I’m far from perfect and I don’t ever claim that I am in any way, shape, or form. But I definitely do my best today to follow when Bill Wilson said in Alcoholics Anonymous that it’s all about progress, not perfection.
As I kid I constantly tried to achieve perfection in just about everything I did because I wanted to make my alcoholic parents happy. I truly believed that if I were perfect in their eyes, they would have loved me a lot more unconditionally. Unfortunately, even when I thought I reached that in various things I did, it still was never good enough for them. There was always something more they cited out that I could do to make it better. And so in turn, I tried harder, and harder, and even harder to reach that state of perfection that might gain their approval. It never happened and this search would go on to become one of the hardest character defects I had to face and work through in my recovery from addictions.
The simple fact is that I finally realized in recent years that I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to reach a level perfection that didn’t exist. Whether it’s been in a job, or any task I’ve taken on, or with my appearance, or in my day-to-day chores, or in any of my relationships, I’ve often drove myself crazy trying to make it all perfect. My recovery and my spiritual walk with God have helped me to see that life is about this perfection though. Instead, they’ve helped me to see that the beauty in life truly comes through all its imperfections and the progress we make in working through them. I believe that’s what Bill Wilson was referring to when he said that recovery was all about progress, not perfection.
Although I remain very diligent and focused in the recovery work from my addiction-prone life, I’m able to say now that I’ve made a tremendous amount of progress within it. I also find I am telling myself more and more lately that what I’m spiritually doing and the accomplishments I’m making are good enough. That’s a big change for someone who usually believed what he was doing wasn’t good enough and that he always needed to try harder.
As a kid I was consistently blinded from seeing all the progress I was making in life as I grew up. None of my awards and achievements meant anything because my focus was always on reaching that imaginary level of perfection. The same held true for most of my adult years as I struggled throughout them to give myself credit for any progress I made anywhere. Looking back, I can see now in both my younger years and my adult years that I’ve made an incredible amount of progress. In other words, I’ve giving myself credit now for the progress I’ve made throughout the years and in doing so, I know it’s helping me to move away from a life that only sought perfection.
Seeking perfection really did nothing more for me than make me miserable and cause me to beat myself up over and over again. While I still try my best to excel in everything I do today, I look for the progress I make as I do it, instead of trying to reach some imaginary state of perfection. Doing so has made me a much happier person and I have to thank Bill Wilson for that. For it is his wise words that once said that recovery was all about progress, not perfection, and now I’m thankfully starting to see that…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson