It’s been about two and a half years now since I last acted out in any addiction, yet I find I’m still occasionally paying the price for many of my past transgressions and that’s been extremely frustrating. It took a gentle reminder from someone else recently that a few years free from a life of addictions doesn’t necessarily mean it will remove all the pain and anguish from those who directly suffered at the hands of my disease.
The fact is I created a lot of wreckage in my life, especially during all the years I was active in my sex and love addiction. The two people probably harmed the most from this disease were my closest friend in recovery and my sister. Each watched time and time again as I’d push them away and then pull them back. Sadly, at one point neither truly wanted anything to do with me because they were so tired of getting their hearts hurt by my actions.
As part of my process of recovery from this addiction-based life, I began doing a living amends to show them, as well as everyone else, that I wasn’t going to return to that old toxic self anymore. After a year passed of me doing this, I saw my relationship growing closer again with both this friend and my sister. But things weren’t going as smoothly in this process with everyone else that hadn’t been as close to me at one point in time like these two had. One minor incident of selfishness or self-centeredness often landed me right back into a comparison of that old toxic self.
While I could spend weeks, and even months, being completely free of all selfish and self-centered behaviors that once were constant in my active days of addiction, a single incident of either would frequently cause many to judge that I hadn’t changed at all. By the time almost two years had passed with me being free from all these old addictions, I was thankfully given a fresh start and a clean slate when I moved to the Toledo area.
Here, people never knew my former sick addiction-based self or ever suffered at the hands of my disease. That’s been a wonderful blessing in disguise as I’m finally seeing what healthy friendships look like in life. Unfortunately, that’s still not the case though with this closest friend in recovery or my sister. Both at times have copped fast resentments with me when I’ve done even a small behavior that reminds them of that old addiction-based self.
Recently, that happened specifically with this closest friend of mine from recovery. I had gone three weeks without hearing back from him on any of my phone calls and I honestly believed it was completely unrelated to me at all. But when I finally did hear back from him, it actually was my past conduct that was still haunting him. He told me that there had been two minor incidents of my old behaviors over the past year that had resurfaced some of the past wounds I had inflicted upon him. He realized he hadn’t fully healed from all of it and needed more time and space from me to work through the rest of it.
Initially I became very frustrated with him because I truly thought we had worked through all of this. But when that person gently reminded me that the healing process from my past wreckage takes time and that two years of recovery doesn’t necessarily erase two decades of addiction-based damage, I immediately understood. I sincerely have to thank my Higher Power for receiving this gentle reminder, as it’s taught me this very valuable lesson.
I realize now the only thing I can really do is to just give this friend, my sister, and everyone else who suffered at the hands of my addictions, as much time and space as they need to heal. But even more importantly, I know I must keep doing what I’ve been doing in my recovery to stay entirely free from all of my former addictions. And hopefully in time with doing so, all of those who still hurt from any of my past wreckage will find the healing they truly deserve…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
We always have to remember and remind ourselves that not all people recover at the same speed, whether it be someone in recovery or someone we have hurt. My daughter reminded me of that once long ago when I fell back into some old habits..She thought I started drinking and drugging again after 15 yrs or so of sobriety. I don’t think you are beating yourself up over this but just the same Andrew get over it, you will be fine. 🙂
I don’t think I’m actually beating myself up over it either but I do think my writing about it is just part of my coming to acceptance of it all! 🙂 I always feel better after writing anyway and since writing that article I really do feel like I’m over it. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!!!