There once was a time where I was that typical guy who enjoyed sitting around with other guys and talking about nothing but sexual things. It never really mattered to me whether they were gay or straight either. I just liked to talk about anything related to sex because I was addicted to it even though I didn’t know it. Back then I was probably the king of sexual innuendos as well, solely because I could never go for more than a minute or two without making one. With that being said, one of the biggest arenas I found this addiction able to flourish was amongst most groups of gay men I hung around.
I can honestly say I have no idea why gay men like to sit around and make sexual references more than not. I can say why I once liked it though. That’s pretty obvious given the fact that I’m now a recovering sex and love addict. Regardless, perhaps the same can also be said of some groups of heterosexual men, but I genuinely never witnessed that happening as much with those I’ve hung around. Maybe I just never spent as much time in those types of situation to find out. Either way, I’ve seen this occurring in most of the groups of gay men I’ve ever spent time with. Case in point recently, I went on a camping trip with a few gay friends where it seemed as if there was a sexual reference being made every few minutes. While this would have suited me just fine a few years ago, I truly struggle with it now. The best comparison I can make as to why that is deals with that of a recovering alcoholic.
For most recovering alcoholics, there’s an age old adage that says if a person hangs around a barbershop long enough they’re eventually going to get a haircut. What that saying really means is that when a sober person hangs around a bar long enough, they’re eventually going to have a drink. Well the same can be said of a person like me who’s a recovering sex and love addict. Spending extended periods of time around people who constantly talk about sex on any level only drives me to do the exact same behavior. And the more I do it, the more I take one step closer to a full relapse back into that addiction. My wake up call to all of this actually came during this camping trip I went on recently.
When I found myself throwing out a sexual innuendo or two and thinking about acting out in some old toxic patterns on this trip, I realized I was in an unhealthy situation for my recovery. I need to point out that it wasn’t the other people that made this trip unhealthy for me; it was the conversations I kept listening to that were, given my sex and love addiction. While I can handle being around sexual banter in limited quantities, having several days of it in a row definitely took its toll on me. I’m just grateful I realized all of this after the weekend ended because if I hadn’t, I might have continued to fall back into more of my old addiction patterns upon returning home and thankfully I didn’t.
My main point is that I truly can’t afford to ever go back to any of those days when I did such things as spend countless hours looking at porn or talking sexually to vast numbers of people 24/7. I’ve made incredible leaps in my spiritual growth since then solely because of my 12 Step recovery work. And it’s that work that led me to a Higher Power who reminds me from time to time what’s healthy for me, and what’s not, like I was clearly reminded of during this camping trip.
While I’m not sure if I’ll ever understand why it is that sexual banter becomes the norm when a group of gay men get together, the fact is it generally does. Simply put, being around that for any extended length of time is not healthy for me, given that I’m a recovering sex and love addict. It’s also not something I consider to be in alignment with my spirituality anymore either. So I’ve decided that the next time I get around any group of men, gay or straight, talking sexually, I’m just going to excuse myself. Because ultimately, that’s the absolute healthiest thing I can do for my recovery and my spiritual growth in life.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
This post made me think about the situation for a minute. I was one of the gay men on the camping trip and had a blast the whole time. There were some down points but I was with good friends and didn’t let it bother me to much. I do understand that you had a addiction with this sort of thing and I see how it could be a problem for you. My whole adult life when I have been around a group of men (straight or gay) I have found that sex talk is a given. Maybe it’s just me but in the past this is what I have found. I am not gonna say I’m guilty for doing it because I don’t think there is something wrong with it. I think it’s human nature. Not everyone has a sex addiction to completely understand where you were going with this. I do understand the analogy though of the barber and the bar. With me being a alcoholic and being around people drinking for a weekend…….I would never put myself in that situation. You knew though who you were going with and that we like to joke and talk about funny sex stuff. Maybe we all have a problem with a sex addiction and we don’t know it. So for you to say you will excuse yourself next time is understandable.
I did know what I was going into and that may be something I think about the next time. I realize that it’s not everyone else that has the issue, it’s me and maybe it wasn’t healthy for me to be in the midst of that for three full days. As you said, you wouldn’t do that with a bar being an alcoholic. Regardless, I care about each of the people I went with and don’t expect them to change for me… I just need to make sure that I keep my time being around any of it very limited, which is no different than an alcoholic can go to a bar and have a soda, but wouldn’t hang there for hours and days on end right?
It is always easy to jump in on the conversation and have fun with the gang. One of the things I am still learning to do is be there in support of my partner. While I do not have the addiction, I should have caught myself and not contributed to the situation. Nonetheless, everyone was having fun and nothing was intended to cause pain or harm. Next time I can speak up and let others know that if my partner walks off and does something different or gets into a phone conversation, etc., it is merely because he is focusing on keeping his boundaries. It has nothing to do with the company he is in, other than it draws him to a place that he still struggles with and knows that he cannot participate.
Thank you for your honesty and your words as they show a lot of insight and spiritual growth…
This was great! Even as a woman, I have a total smut mouth sometimes and it can def take on a life of it’s own if I am not conscious of it. I identified a bunch. Thank you!
Thank you for your comment! I’m grateful you got something out of my article. I just know for me that it’s a slippery slope when I engage in any sexual banter.