Month: October 2014

Flip-Flopping My Way Out Of Self-Made Prisons

Sometimes we as human beings self construct our own prisons around ourselves. Quite often that can happen when we feel there are limitations being put on our life. I’m guilty of this, as I currently feel that way about several things I’m still dealing with in my own life. My spiritual teacher has challenged me though to write about each of them and then produce an affirming statement that flip-flops myself out of each of those self-made prisons. So here goes…

  • Prison One – The biggest prison I feel I’ve constructed around me is one related to having the physical health issues and limitations I’ve been enduring for the past four and a half years. There are so many things I miss doing in life because of these physical limitations such as hiking, biking, walking, running, various sports, going to amusement parks, etc.
  • Flip-Flop One – I am learning how to appreciate my current state of physical health so that I will have plenty of gratitude when my Higher Power restores all of my physical health and I’m being fully physically active once again in every area of my life.
  • Prison Two – The second prison I feel I’ve constructed around me has to do with the meditations I do daily. It’s been more than seven years since I was able to achieve reaching any of the deeper meditative states no matter how hard I try.
  • Flip-Flop Two – I am learning how important it is to not escape what I’m feeling inside, especially when I’m feeling down and out, and I know that once I’ve fully learned that lesson my Higher Power will lead me into meditations that are deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced.
  • Prison Three – A third prison I feel I’ve constructed around me has to do with my lack of close friendships in life. Sometimes I believe that no one really gets me and that’s why I don’t have any close friends. While I may know a number of people in this world on a casual basis, I definitely would like to have a few become deeply spiritual-based friends who treasure me in their life.
  • Flip-Flop Three – I am learning how to have a best friendship with myself first so that I can truly appreciate my own company, as the more I do this, the more I’m able to be a great friend and show unconditional love towards each of the people my Higher Power will be sending into my life to become a life-long spiritual friend.
  • Prison Four – The fourth and final prison I feel I’ve constructed around me has to do with my ongoing lack of employment. It’s been almost five years now since I parted ways with my last job, which was the bed and breakfast I used to own. Since then, I’ve continued to question what my Higher Power wants me to do for a living but I know it’s not to randomly just do anything.
  • Flip-Flop Four – I am learning how to be more selfless and giving in life by working first on my recovery, my writing, and volunteering so that my Higher Power will be able to use me for the job I’ve always been meant to do, which is one I know will bring me great happiness and joy doing.

As I end this exercise, which really was one that channeled the power of positive thinking, I’ve decided to reshape things by stating that I’m not in any type of prisons at all. Instead, I think it’s best for me to say that my Higher Power has me in some temporary waiting areas that are all for the purpose of my spiritual growth. But you know what? I think my number is about to be called in each of these areas and I truly can’t wait to see what’s next!

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“If I Could…”

I have to say I really enjoyed letting my inner child “Andy” write that article last week titled “If I Were…” In fact, I liked it so much I decided to let him do it again a second time, except this one he’s titling ‘If I Could…” But before he takes over, he wants to make sure I remind everyone today how important it is to not forget about that young kid who lives inside each of you, as they deserve a little bit of attention every single day too.

If I could pause time, I’d pause it only in the theater when I have to go to the bathroom because I don’t like having to ever miss any of a movie.

If I could build anything, I’d build my own scariest roller coaster because then I could ride it instantly instead of having to wait in line for over 2 hours to ride it.

If I could travel anywhere instantly, I’d travel to the top of Mount Everest a lot (wearing the right clothes of course) because I sometimes think it’s peak is a little lonely and would like some company more often.

If I could talk to anyone right now, I’d really like to talk to my cat Driggs because I really want to find out what she’s saying with all her weird meows and hisses.

If I could create an infinite amount of any one thing in this world, I’d create total peace because there are far too many wars and violence going on nowadays.

If I could get eliminate any one food, I’d eliminate meatloaf because I think it’s just plain yucky.

If I could get rid of anything physical in this world, I’d get rid of all the alcohol and drugs because that’s what usually seems to make people do bad things and also forget about their inner child like it did with Andrew.

If I could bring back any one person from the dead, I’d bring back Jesus to start preaching again because too many people are using his name these days to do things that are really mean.

If I could create one TV show about anything, I’d create the total reverse of the movie Big because I think it would be cool to see a grumpy and too business-like adult having to learn how to be a kid again.

If I could wish for one thing, I’d wish that everyone had to speak the truth all the time no matter what because all lies seems to cause nothing more than hardship and trouble in the long run.

And…

If I could tell Andrew Arthur Dawson one thing today, I’d tell him how much it’s making me happy to have more of the attention for once. J

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Recovery Without Codependency

I know how critical it is to my recovery from addiction to help the newcomer, but I also know that’s never supposed to be done in a codependent way. Recently, I was faced with this very situation when one of those newcomers was wanting more than I could safely offer.

It all started late on a Thursday night when I found myself checking my Facebook page for any new messages. As I glanced at the top of the page, I saw the red indicator showing there was only one new message. I quickly clicked the icon to see who it was from and soon realized it was someone I had met at one point in a meeting I attended. Their message was brief and said nothing more than how much they appreciated my recovery and would like to chat more about my experience, strength, and hope. I was grateful for their comments and responded with my thanks and a friend request. Within mere minutes of sending it, my request was accepted and I received another message. This time they asked if we could have an actual conversation. Like I’ve done countless times already in my recovery, I gave this person my phone number and told them to call me anytime.

When I received the first phone call from this person that night, I was once again told how much they truly appreciated my recovery. I responded that the credit should be given to my Higher Power, as I usually do when someone tells me this verbally. We then talked for a few more minutes about recovery and as it came to an end, I once again reminded them to call me anytime they needed help. Unfortunately, those words would eventually lead to a jarring reminder of the days when I was extremely codependent with my mother, but more on that in a minute.

I awoke the next morning only to notice I had missed a phone call and also a new message from this very same newcomer. They wanted to know if I was going to be attending my normal home group at noon. I called them back telling them I was and that I hoped to see them there and sure enough I did. Given the fast friendships that can be made in the recovery world, I honestly didn’t think that any of this was out of the norm. When I gave them a cheerful greeting upon seeing them a few hours later at my group, I thanked them for all their kind words and said I was glad they were there like I say to every person I welcome.

As the meeting progressed, my new friend in recovery raised their hand and shared how close they came to a relapse recently. They would go on to tell the story of how it almost happened and I was more than grateful for the reminder of how cunning this disease will always be. When the meeting came to an end, I personally thanked them for their share, told them to keep coming back, and to also put me in their recovery support network in case they felt the urge to drink again. All of this would come full circle again the following morning.

Upon waking the next day, I discovered a slew of missed phone calls and messages on Facebook from this new friend of mine in recovery. I immediately called them back and profusely apologized that I had slept through all of them. Within a matter of minutes I would discover that this person had relapsed yesterday afternoon after the meeting ended and that they had already started drinking again that morning.

If there’s one thing I learned in dealing with my mother’s alcoholism many years ago, it’s that you can’t successfully communicate recovery to anyone while they’re under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In the case of this newcomer, I indicated there were only three things I could recommend. The first was to throw away all their booze. The second was to call their sponsor. And the third was to get to a meeting as soon as possible. The conversation started going around in circles like it always did with my mother when she drank so I started trying to find a way to end it without being rude. That’s when I asked them if I could say a prayer before going and thankfully, they obliged. I felt a lot better after that and truly thought when that call ended that they were going to take my advice. But sadly, they didn’t.

Over the next 24 hours I would get message after message and phone call after phone call asking for help and I ascertained through each of them that they hadn’t stopped drinking yet. I began to lose my patience at some point during all of it and realized I was starting to go beyond the boundaries I set for myself long ago because of my mother’s drinking. That’s when I knew I needed to no longer respond. Sure enough, it wasn’t long after doing it that I got the same type of guilt trip that my mother used to give me.

“I thought you were supposed to help the sick and suffering!” said one of the messages I received. Those words really tugged at my heart because it brought back a lot of the pain I went through towards the end before my mother died from this disease. My old codependency wanted to comfort this person and let them know everything was going to be ok, because that’s truly what they were seeking just like my Mom used to ask of me time and time again. But I’m stronger now in my sobriety, in my spirituality, and on my walk with my Higher Power, and I knew that any more contact with this person wouldn’t help their recovery or my own.

At the end of this whole matter, I warned them to stop calling and messaging me because it was getting out of control and making me feel unsafe, yet they still didn’t stop. My final decision was one I didn’t take lightly and it’s something I wished I could have done long ago with my mother, but I never had the courage. I ended up blocking this person from contacting me on Facebook and over the phone and went on with my life.

The bottom line I learned through all of this experience is that I can’t be codependent in recovery, as it will only damage my own. While I will continue to help as many newcomers as I can, because I know that’s detrimental to my recovery, the reality is that I can only help those who want to help themselves. And that means them taking that First Step. Until they do, there’s nothing more that I, or anyone else can do other than pray for them, which I know I will keep on doing for this newcomer, may God bless their soul.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson