What is your definition of a true friend? Lately, I’ve had to completely reevaluate what mine is mostly because I’ve been feeling let down quite a bit by many of those I’ve long considered as one.
After doing a little research on the Internet, I came to the conclusion that there are five main traits I believe are crucial to that which makes up a true friend. They are:
1. Level of Listening
The first principle deals with how present a friend is when communicating with you, whether that’s in person or over the phone. Are they occupying themselves with other things such as watching television, surfing the Internet, or texting someone else? Are they paying attention more to others than you? Are the conversations frequently about them? Do they acknowledge what you talk by actively repeating back some of it when you’re done speaking? Do you find there’s a good balance between them sharing and them listening? Ultimately, a true friend will enjoy listening to you instead of it always being about them.
2. Level of Trustworthiness and Sincerity
The second principle deals with how honest and genuine a friend is when communicating with you. Do they let you know when you’re doing a toxic behavior that’s driving them away? Do they talk about you behind your back in a bad way or a good way? Do they tell you one thing and then do another? Do they give you white lies to make you feel better but you find out later that’s not how they really feel? Ultimately, a true friend will be 100% honest and sincere with you about all things instead of lying and only telling you what you want to hear.
3. Level Of Acceptance
The third principle deals with how much a friend embraces who you really are. Do they allow you to truly be yourself? Or do they try to change various parts of you? Are they constantly telling you to stop doing certain things inherent to your unique personality only because it irks them? Are they negative towards who you are more than not? Do they project their own anger on how you are with any type of regular occurrence? Ultimately, a true friend will fully accept you for who you are, and as I often say, including “warts and all”.
4. Level of Dependability
The fourth principle deals with how reliable a friend is with you. Do you make plans with them only to find them often being cancelled? Do they reschedule if they have to cancel? Do they call you back in a timely fashion or do they take days, weeks, or sometimes never to return your call? Are they there for you when you really need them, especially during a crisis or emergency? Ultimately, a true friend will follow through on the plans they made with you and be there for you when truly need them.
5. Level of Presence
The fifth and final principle deals with how often a friend actually spends time with you. Do they only seem to connect with you through text messages or Facebook? Do they frequently use texting as a mode to respond even when you leave them a voicemail to call you? Do they seem to only make plans with you if you are the one to initiate them? Do they usually tell you they have been too busy to connect with you? Do they always seem to have some excuse or prior plans that prevent them from connecting with you? Ultimately, a true friend will make the time for you with some type of regularity and when they haven’t heard from you in a while, they will reach out to you.
For a very long time I wasn’t really a true friend to anyone because I didn’t practice any of these principles very well at all. But today I can safely say I practice each of them as best as I can every single day. Unfortunately, I see now that many of the people I’ve considered to be a true friend really aren’t because they haven’t been practicing them just like I once didn’t. Hence I’ve been doing some serious housecleaning throughout my life to ascertain who is a true friend and who is not. Thankfully, I’ve identified a few who are and I’m very grateful to my Higher Power for each of them.
My bottom line is this. We all probably refer to many people as our friends, but how much of them are actually a true friend? I realize now I was exerting a tremendous amount of effort to connect with people who honestly weren’t a true friend at all, but I’m ok with that. At least now I know and can define each of them as more of a casual friend or acquaintance. So while these may be the principles I define as to what a true friend is for me, I would like to end this entry by asking the very same of you.
What is your definition of a true friend?
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
You’ve given an interesting set of criteria, and I’m not sure I’d argue with much of it.
The one we could *discuss* would be level of presence. I have a friend I’ve known for nearly 40 years. The last 10, we’ve only been in each others’ physical presence maybe once every 18 months or so. His schedule rarely coincides with our visits to Ohio, and his life situation has him restricted in some ways. But there is rarely a week that goes by without an email, or a call, or a FB message. And when we are in each others’ presence, it is as if we have never been apart. That, and he absolutely accepts my partner as “part of me,” and is gracious to include topics which might well be anathema to my friend, but are things that my partner finds fascinating. That level of acceptance is a true gift, when one can find it.
The other side of the “list” however, is when it becomes a check-off or criteria list – as in, “why aren’t you doing items in category 1 and 2, huh?” I recognize that my life can crowd people out, at times, and I try not to resent their absence, but celebrate their presence when I get to see them. So it’s never a question of “Why won’t you come see me?”, but “Wow, we might be able to get together this summer or fall!”
I agree that it’s not meant to be a checklist. But when the majority of them are not being met OR when the presence side of it does not include FB, email or a phone call for weeks and months, that’s when I start to question just how close someone really is or not. In the case of the people I once called a true friend back in Massachusetts, I could leave several voicemails and never hear back from them or it might take them more than a month or even two just to get a quick call back. That to me does not show ANY type of presence don’t you think?