Do you have any friends currently a part of your life that you’re attracted to, consider beautiful or handsome, or are “your type”? I do, and it’s one my greatest challenges I still face in life given the fact I’m a recovering sex and love addict.
My sobriety and recovery program for this addiction began on April 23rd, 2012. At that point in time, fear of relapsing back into this disease and fear of all the damage it caused me plagued my every pore. So I did what many often do when they first come to any type of recovery program for an addiction, I removed as many triggers as I could from my life that might have jeopardized my ability to actually recover. One of those triggers was the fact I had a number of friends a part of my life that I still had some sort of a sexual allure towards. While some of them had been a part of my life for quite a while, others were only more recent. But in either case, my addictive thinking at the time couldn’t really differentiate between who was healthy for me and who wasn’t. Thus, I made the decision to totally remove this trigger by ridding myself of anyone who fit that bill, except of course for the man I was dating.
A year and a half would pass before I would make any type of changes to this “monk-type” living. By then, I started to realize it would be virtually impossible to avoid being around anyone I found sexual allure towards the rest of my life. The same held true for me in my recovery for alcoholism when I discovered I couldn’t avoid being around alcohol for the rest of my life either. So when those first few individuals came into my life I found that allure towards, I honestly wanted to run as far away as possible. But I realized if I wanted my recovery to grow stronger, I needed to learn how to set healthy boundaries with each of them. This was an action failed to do time and time again in the past when the sex and love addiction was active. So besides the obvious physical monogamy boundaries I needed to set and hold in place, there were a few others that became just as important. Things like not going into any type of intimate venue with someone I had that allure towards or not carrying on highly sexual charged conversations with them either were just a few of these other boundaries I had to establish.
Even though it’s been over two and a half years now since I began setting any of these boundaries, there are still plenty of moments where I seem to have the thinking of a sexually charged teenager. It’s really quite frustrating actually and I truly struggle at times with some of the lustrous thoughts that pop up in my brain from time to time with a few of my friends. But I continue to remain close to my Higher Power day in and day out, which seems to help keep all of my boundaries fully in place.
I’ve learned just how important it is to ensure these boundaries stay in place because I know where it would take me if I didn’t. But sometimes there have been people I have that allure towards who haven’t respected my boundaries and when they haven’t, I’ve had to remove them completely from my life. All in all though, that has thankfully been far and few between.
Most recently I found it quite interesting when I was on the receiving end of someone else setting these types of boundaries for their early recovery from this addiction. I had a friend who needed to place some greater distance from me because it was triggering him due to his own attraction to me. I was ultimately happy for him in the long run not only because of this gentle reminder of where I once was in my recovery, but also because it showed how much he was trying to heal as well.
So while I don’t believe I’m meant to return to my “monk type” living like this friend might be starting to face in his own recovery, I do know I must be vigilant in keeping my healthy boundaries in place with any friend I have sexual allure towards. Recovering from a sex and love addiction can be difficult at times especially with friends you have sexual allure towards, but through the strength of a Higher Power and maintaining those boundaries, it truly can be done one day at a time…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson