What qualities do you look for in a person when dating? What are the things you want to see in a person you hope to eventually have a full-fledged relationship with? These questions often pose great difficulty for many when asked and how each person answers them is usually quite unique. In my case, it took almost 40 years to figure out that my answers to them were directly proportional to where my spirituality was.
When I first met my partner online several years ago, my spirituality had grown enough to recognize that what is inside someone is far more important than what is on the outside. But several decades ago, that was so far from my reality.
Back then when I first became clean and sober from alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes, the only dating quality I actually looked for was in someone’s physical appearance. Not much would alter from that over the course of the next decade with the only exception being that I made sure not to date an active smoker, alcoholic or a drug addict. But qualities such as what one’s spiritual beliefs were, how they treated others, and how they spent their free time didn’t really matter to me mostly because I was so focused on the sexual component of a relationship. What’s interesting to note though is that I didn’t fully know what my own spiritual beliefs were nor did I generally treat others well at all for most of that time. I also spent most of that time period on the Internet looking at porn or at the most risqué pictures of personal ads. So I think it’s completely true when people say that we are only capable of successfully dating those who mirror the qualities we have within our own selves at any moment in time. And for the longest time, that’s solely why my biggest concern and quality sought for in another to go out with was how hot they looked to me.
It wasn’t until 2007 when I began working on my recovery with the 12 Steps did any of the qualities I sought for in a mate change. At first it was a pretty rocky road because my carnal desires consistently seemed to win out. But as time progressed with the spiritual work I did on myself, I noticed the more I became healthier within, the more I looked for healthier qualities within another to date. Thus the more I improved my relationship to my Higher Power, the more I looked for that in a potential partner. The more I began treating people with the love and respect they deserved, the more I looked for that in another as well. And when I finally stopped engaging in sex and love addiction based behaviors, I found I no longer was attracted to those who were still engaging in any of them.
Unfortunately, when I met my current partner online towards the end of 2011, I wasn’t totally free from the grips of my sex and love addiction yet. Ironically, unbeknown to me at the time, neither was he. But as I continued to be diligent on living spiritually and as close to my Higher Power as possible, I freed myself from all of those toxic behaviors and my partner’s indiscretions finally came to light. Since then, the two of us have been walking a much brighter spiritual path together. Nowadays I find the main quality I look for in him rests at a much higher vibration as compared to what I once looked for long ago.
So while I may have been extremely shallow for the longest of time by only focusing in on how someone fit my physical type, the main quality I care most about these days in a person I want to spend my life with is the amount of love and light they emanate from within. I think the only reason why that is comes right on down to the fact that’s what I work the most on within myself as well. I’m grateful that both my partner and I continue to place great importance on this aspect within each of our own selves, as I believe the spiritual success and longevity of our relationship truly depends upon it.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson