What qualities do you look for in a person when dating? What are the things you want to see in a person you hope to eventually have a full-fledged relationship with? These questions often pose great difficulty for many when asked and how each person answers them is usually quite unique. In my case, it took almost 40 years to figure out that my answers to them were directly proportional to where my spirituality was.
When I first met my partner online several years ago, my spirituality had grown enough to recognize that what is inside someone is far more important than what is on the outside. But several decades ago, that was so far from my reality.
Back then when I first became clean and sober from alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes, the only dating quality I actually looked for was in someone’s physical appearance. Not much would alter from that over the course of the next decade with the only exception being that I made sure not to date an active smoker, alcoholic or a drug addict. But qualities such as what one’s spiritual beliefs were, how they treated others, and how they spent their free time didn’t really matter to me mostly because I was so focused on the sexual component of a relationship. What’s interesting to note though is that I didn’t fully know what my own spiritual beliefs were nor did I generally treat others well at all for most of that time. I also spent most of that time period on the Internet looking at porn or at the most risqué pictures of personal ads. So I think it’s completely true when people say that we are only capable of successfully dating those who mirror the qualities we have within our own selves at any moment in time. And for the longest time, that’s solely why my biggest concern and quality sought for in another to go out with was how hot they looked to me.
It wasn’t until 2007 when I began working on my recovery with the 12 Steps did any of the qualities I sought for in a mate change. At first it was a pretty rocky road because my carnal desires consistently seemed to win out. But as time progressed with the spiritual work I did on myself, I noticed the more I became healthier within, the more I looked for healthier qualities within another to date. Thus the more I improved my relationship to my Higher Power, the more I looked for that in a potential partner. The more I began treating people with the love and respect they deserved, the more I looked for that in another as well. And when I finally stopped engaging in sex and love addiction based behaviors, I found I no longer was attracted to those who were still engaging in any of them.
Unfortunately, when I met my current partner online towards the end of 2011, I wasn’t totally free from the grips of my sex and love addiction yet. Ironically, unbeknown to me at the time, neither was he. But as I continued to be diligent on living spiritually and as close to my Higher Power as possible, I freed myself from all of those toxic behaviors and my partner’s indiscretions finally came to light. Since then, the two of us have been walking a much brighter spiritual path together. Nowadays I find the main quality I look for in him rests at a much higher vibration as compared to what I once looked for long ago.
So while I may have been extremely shallow for the longest of time by only focusing in on how someone fit my physical type, the main quality I care most about these days in a person I want to spend my life with is the amount of love and light they emanate from within. I think the only reason why that is comes right on down to the fact that’s what I work the most on within myself as well. I’m grateful that both my partner and I continue to place great importance on this aspect within each of our own selves, as I believe the spiritual success and longevity of our relationship truly depends upon it.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
It’s strange to hear you discuss this – mostly because for years (even in sobriety) I did not find myself attractive at all, and didn’t think anyone else would. It was quite a revelation to find online sites devoted exclusively to men who found men who looked like me attractive. It’s one of the reasons I waited so long to come out – because I felt it didn’t matter. Closeted ‘straight’ or openly gay, I was pretty sure I was going to be going home alone no matter what.
My desire has been for someone who I’m comfortable being with, and yet comfortable being apart-from as well. In that way, my partner and are better-suited than anyone with whom I’ve had a relationship so far. It’s not perfect – but who is? I’ve learned more about bicycles and motorcycles and model airplanes and the Ozarks than I could have imagined. He’s learned more about recovery and writing and musical theater and science-fiction TV than he ever thought he would. And there’s more yet to learn.
As for sheer physicality, I am reminded of two quotes, the first from my first sponsor: “The pretty ones are usually the sickest ones, kiddo – that’s how God evens the scales…” The second one is about sexual compatibility, from sci-fi author Spider Robinson: “I see ten fingers, and a mouth – anything else is gravy.”
Thanks for your comments! By the way, maybe I’m a little slow tonight, but I’m not sure what your quote means at the end of your comments?
The quote was originally intended to point out that body shape, size, endowment, etc, are not really a requirement for sexual compatibility. In the story, a heavy-set woman is contemplating marrying an alien, and the alien is protesting, saying that they don’t know if they are sexually compatible. She replies, “I see ten fingers, and a mouth – anything else is gravy.”
Thanks for the explanation my friend. Makes total sense now. 🙂