How often have you unconditionally helped at least three people throughout the course of any given day? This is a question I was asked recently, which led me to begin reflecting at the end of each night on whether I have or haven’t. I’m grateful to say that at least for today I have and even then some.
It began early this morning by having a somewhat lengthy phone conversation with someone in my recovery circles. There had been a few difficulties the previous night between the two of us that had temporarily strained our connection. In all likelihood, my former ego-based, self-centered persona would not have cared much about their feelings nor would I have owned any part in what actually caused the tension. Instead, I practiced the 10th step during that phone call by owning my side of the street, as well as learning from them how I could improve my communication skills in the future. I also actively listened to their current fears and struggles in life to demonstrate I was there more for them than for myself.
Not too long after that conversation I attended an AA meeting and participated in the topic for the day, which was all about handling one’s sex conduct in recovery. Most people normally shy away from sharing about topics such as this, like I used to. But nowadays I don’t. Given the lengthy addiction history and recovery I have these days with my sex conduct, I took the opportunity to share some of my own experience, strength, and hope with it hoping only to help those who might be still having difficulties in this part of their recovery.
Later that afternoon I met with one of my sponsees where I enjoyed spending about an hour going over their step work. That’s a far cry from how selfish I was back in the day when I rarely looked forward to meeting with any sponsee unless I was attracted to them. Now, I don’t sponsor people I have any sexual allure towards to and with those I do end up sponsoring, it’s solely for my desire to see each of them get well and nothing else.
As the evening set in, I attended a men’s group where I not only chaired the meeting for the entire night, I also helped to facilitate another man’s work on himself in an area he was truly struggling with. In many of these types of past men’s groups I was part of, I usually spent more time focusing on doing my own work than helping with someone else’s.
On my way home from that meeting I continued to help other unconditionally when I received a phone call from a new friend of mine who needed some help with their own sex and love addiction issues. I spent a good half hour doing my best to once again pass on my own experience, strength, and hope in that part of my recovery. And my desire to help others for today didn’t end there either.
Because last but not least, I’m taking my final waking moments of the day to write this entry while it’s fresh in my mind, with the only hope that it too might help another.
So while I definitely surpassed the goal of helping at least three people today unconditionally, tomorrow is brand new opportunity to do it again. I think I’m going to keep practicing this exercise because in the long run, I believe it’s only going to help me become even more selfless and spiritual in life.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Unconditionally helping others in my experience as I look back over my life has been my open heart attracting people toward me. This came to my mind as I read the post that no matter what position I held while working or where I was during the day people were coming to me and asking about this or that or for direction. I remember when I was working on a job of over 5000 people and there was a man who was having a mental break down, it was pay day and he went to the bar to cash his check which was at least 6 or 7 hundred dollars he cam back to the job and started emptying his pockets of everything out in the road behind the building by the lake and said he was going to kill himself and started walking toward the lake. The men around came and got me and told me what was happening, I was like why are the coming to me I have never handled anything like this in my life, long story short I did the best I could and with the help of other people got the man out of the water and into the hospital. This happened many times throughout my life, never kept track of who or how many times in a day and I think that is because it was unconditional with not expecting anything in return. I thank God for the gifts and talents and skills I have to be able to share and help myself and others. I do these things not with pride and ego or looking for praise, but I do these because it feels great and by giving I have received more in return that I can ever give.
I guess at some point I feel that’s now true with me as well. There was a time though that I was at such the opposite side of the spectrum, with a closed heart that is, that I didn’t help anyone but myself. Now people come to me for help and I don’t need to think about doing it because it just happens naturally. And like you, I do enjoy helping others more than myself. It took some work to get there though.
My very blunt reaction to your post’s title initially was, “How the hell do *I* know who I’ve helped? It’s not like I’m keeping score!”
Don’t get me wrong – my *goal* in life is always to be helpful…to bring a smile or some peace to the people around me. I know that it happens. But if I start counting, or if I (or someone else) set some kind of a threshold that says “At least three is expected, two is a failure, and four is great,” then it feels (to me at least) that I’m trying to quantify my goodness and righteousness.
The danger I see (again, for myself) is for pride and ego to do as the rich young ruler did in the Christian scriptures – “See how I have kept all the commandments, even from my youth!”
My daily challenge is to remain right-sized – so humility (or lack thereof) is my measuring stick. I have to be reminded, as Martin Luther once said, that I’m both saint and sinner. And, as as a fellow named Clancy Immuslen once said, no matter how hard I try, I will always end up at “human” – sometimes mean, hurtful or cross, and sometimes so sweet and wonderful that I could replace maple syrup on waffles…
And yet I know – because others have told me, especially this week – that I have been helpful. Thanks from someone new in recovery with whom I’ve talked. A grateful comment from a coworker after using some special talents and abilities at work to make things less bad for others. A gift of irreverence and humor that helps at work (where I am known as the team “court jester”), at church and in recovery. I get a wonderfully warm feeling when I hear from others that I’ve brightened the day or smoothed the road ahead for them.
That, for me, is the very best reward.
The main reason why I wrote this article is solely for the fact that I never helped anyone for the longest of time, except myself. Sometimes I also get caught up in thinking I’m not doing a damn bit of good for anyone here on this planet and so I write articles like this as a way to pick myself back up, dust off the negativity, and remind myself I’m doing just fine, compared to the old self-centered self of me.