To my BFF,
It’s been several months now since we last spoke. I know we both agreed at that point in time the best thing for our 17-year friendship was to leave the ball in your court, as you were dealing with issues surrounding me that you didn’t know how to get beyond. At first that seemed relatively easy for me to do given the pain I’ve felt over what’s happened between us these past nine months. But with Thanksgiving being a mere two days away, your silence has been becoming more and more difficult to bear.
But how could it not be since Thanksgiving and the holiday season in general holds so many beautiful memories of happiness and joy spent with each other? The thought of this one potentially passing without hearing from you at all has truly been doing a number on my heart and soul.
You see, I’ve never been that good at maintaining any friendships in life mostly because I was more concerned with my own needs, wants, and desires than anyone else’s. Somehow though you managed to stick by my side for all these years, even when I probably didn’t deserve it. I really have to thank God for that except now that I’ve moved far away from you, it seems as if that action alone has apparently done too much of a number on you too. And it’s one that I’ve been wondering lately if it will become the final nail in the coffin for our friendship.
I’m not God and never claimed to be, thus I cannot answer this question. But looking back, I sure did try to play God more than not throughout most of the years we spent together, of which I’m convinced took a huge toll on you. I know I championed far too many selfish, self-centered, dishonest, and fear based actions over our years as friends because I lost count of the number of times I had to say I’m sorry to you. I clearly see now how I damaged the cement that bound our friendship together time and time again. And although I’ve tried my best repair each of those cracks in recent years with you, I’ve had to accept that it may be too little too late.
To be totally honest, when I first started writing this letter, I wasn’t sure where it was heading, but now I do. I want to admit openly to you and myself that I screwed up and may have lost the best friend I ever had. Ironically, given your limited access to the Internet and the fact you’ve never even been on my blog, I’m not sure if you’ll ever see this, which may be exactly what God intends for this.
So this is my formal amends to you my friend, as you more than deserve it. For all those times I ignored you just to engage in one of my addictions, for all those times I said very nasty things to you because I wasn’t getting my way, for all those times I tried to control everything we did together, for all those times I roped you into needless drama between me and someone else, for all those times I tried to direct your life and make decisions for you based upon what I thought was best, for all those times I tried to manipulate you into doing what I wanted, and for all those times I was never there for you when you really needed your best friend, I’m sorry. I was wrong…in so many ways.
I let my selfishness, self-centeredness, dishonesty, and fear destroy a friendship that I believe God forged together long ago. I was ultimately afraid there might come a day when my past transgressions would come to a head and now it’s here.
While I may be driving on a much healthier road today with my Higher Power in the driver’s seat, I accept the fact that my past addiction-based actions have their consequences. Whether the loss of our friendship ends up being one of them or not, I believe only God knows and only time will tell.
Regardless, please just know I truly am sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you over the years. And whether I hear from you or not this Thanksgiving, this holiday season, or some day down the road, I wish you the very best in life my friend. I miss you and love you, now and forever. You are my brother and always will be, in this life and the next.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson