I really struggle making friends. The most common thing people seem to always say about me is that I’m too aggressive in pursuance of their friendship. Others have often said I divulge too much about my life too quickly as well. Ironically, when I was the complete reverse of this many, many years ago, people said I should open up more and try harder. I’ve come to accept these days that the people who do want to be my friend are the ones who accept me just as I am.
The main reason why I’m talking about this subject today is due to a social group that my partner and I dined with recently. We met up with this group one evening to share a meal, as they regularly get together each month to break bread with each other. Five or so couples were present that night, only one of which we knew and they were the ones who had invited us to join them.
I was excited that night to meet some people who possibly might become new friends of my partner and I, as we continue to look for couples to spend time and develop healthy friendships with. While we dined that evening, I spent a good period of it talking to one couple that sat near me I have never met before. They were very friendly and I truly enjoyed the conversations we had. By the time the night was over, I felt comfortable enough to give them my contact information and suggest that maybe we get together sometime to hang out. I even offered them an invite to an Oscar party I was having a week or so later. After we all parted ways, I looked forward to connecting with them again, as well as with the rest of the group in subsequent months.
Like most people seem to do these days, when I got home, I found them on Facebook and sent them a friend request. Four weeks passed after that with no response to that request or to the brief messages I had sent to each saying hello. I asked one of my friends who knew them, if I possibly had offended them somehow without even knowing it. What I learned later was what I always seem to learn.
I was too aggressive.
I divulged too much.
They weren’t comfortable with my forwardness.
Etc. Etc.
I’ve heard this before and I’m sure I will continue to hear this time and time again. I’ve jumped back and forth throughout my life trying to make friends by putting effort into opening up and getting to know others, but keep getting these types of responses. Then I get frustrated because of it and go in the exact opposite direction by remaining more silent than not at various get-togethers where people end up saying they still aren’t comfortable with me because I didn’t try hard enough to socialize.
To be perfectly frank, I am who I am. I can’t keep trying to change to fit what other people want me to be. In doing so, I’m just being a chameleon and not authentic. I’m a firm believer that if my Higher Power wants a couple or anyone for that matter to be a friend in my life, they will be there with me just being me. And being me these days is one who does open up a lot more than not, who does share about his life quite openly, who does send friendship requests to people he newly meets, and who does extend an invitation to hang out with new people when it seems like things are going well in getting to know them.
Case in point, on my partner and I’s recent vacation, we met a couple early on named Cathy and Mike who took to us very well. We all opened up quite a bit with each other over the course of four days or so and shared a ton of laughter with each other as well. By the time we parted ways as they headed home first, a decent friendship was forged and possibly a future trip on the horizon to each other’s places.
So while one couple, or maybe more didn’t take to my forwardness so well on that night at the group dinner, I know there are others in this world that still do. I know I’m a good person and deserve healthy friendships and I know that I am who I am. I’m an extrovert with a good heart and a very open life. I write about it, speak about it, and that’s just me.
I look at it this way. If a couple or anyone doesn’t want to be a part of my life or my partner’s, it’s their loss and it’s our gain to spend more time developing connections with those who do.
So if you are someone like me who has been rejected a lot in life, just be yourself and live in your heart, and the friendships you’re meant to have will come in your life when they’re meant to. Let the ones go who can’t accept you for you, because in the end, you truly don’t want friendships like them anyway…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Perhaps God was saving you from something he didn’t feel was healthy for you. We both know He works on mysterious ways. Often what we are denied turns out to be an act of Grace and avails us for what is destined for us.
Spike, yes, I think you are onto something my friend. Writing this article helped me to shape my thoughts to see that. I’m glad you are able to see that as well! 🙂
In my past (and, heavens knows, my present!), my tendency toward over-sharing seems to come from fear of not being liked or accepted. When I ask God to tamp-down those fears, and focus on what is common between myself and new acquaintances, it seems to go better and I don’t tend to bury others with who or what *I* am in the process.
” I’ve jumped back and forth throughout my life trying to make friends by putting effort into opening up and getting to know others, but keep getting these types of responses. Then I get frustrated because of it and go in the exact opposite direction by remaining more silent than not at various get-togethers where people end up saying they still aren’t comfortable with me because I didn’t try hard enough to socialize.”
isn’t there some middle ground? I’ve known you for some time now, and from day 1 I’ve told you to be more gentle on yourself. i’m wondering if some of that isn’t also applicable to interactions with others. there’s no denying you’re very intense and we love you for it.
so let’s look at this from the other people’s perspective. when someone shares *ANYTHING* about themselves, it also makes others reflect upon themselves and they might not really like what they see. The other thing that sharing does is it makes people feel the need to share something and they may feel they don’t have anything to contribute, though we know that’s not the case. But, these are their feelings and they are entitled to them, right?
I’ve been on both sides of this coin. on the side of “gee, this person is too eager, too aggressive, to forward, too whatever…” and I now know that the feeling of discomfort I was feeling was not towards them, but towards me. I didn’t feel that I was good enough, strong enough, smart enough, not _____ enough to be friends with these people. On the flip side, I’ve also been the guy who comes across as sharing a bit too much or being too intense.
Sometimes people are not ready to look at themselves in the way that we, people in recovery look at themselves. One of the things I’m trying to teach my son is that the most important part of conversation is listening to what the others have to say. I do that because I’m not necessarily good at it either, so it’s good practice for me, too. I often remind myself to let others talk and meet their level of share / intensity / comfort. And when I am able to do that is when I make stronger connections with them.
so that’s my thought for this article : there’s gotta be a middle ground where at first we can share some, but not everything, listen to what others have to say and then make a connection. once the connection is made, there will be plenty of time to share more, be more intense and have a deeper level of intimacy.
Lionel, wow, you surely had a lot on this topic! Thanks so much for your reflection on it. I do believe that there is a gray area, and I think I’m going to take some time to listen even more to others rather than share so openly, maybe then they will feel a little more comfortable with my openness in life, if it’s coming from them asking rather than me divulging outright so much. 🙂