Month: March 2015

Put The Bat Down Andrew!

Sometimes I beat myself up way too much. Sadly, quite often I don’t even realizing when I’m doing it either. And it always seems to stem out of an action that I’ve deemed I could have done better in.

I at least know where this pattern began. It started in my childhood with my many attempts at over pleasing my parents, especially my mother. Due to their alcoholism and mental imbalances, rarely were my sister and I given any unconditional praise for something we did. Instead “B’s” in school could have been “A’s”, silver medals from swim competitions could have been gold, chores done inside or outside our house could have been done better, etc. This constant striving to improve eventually became a pattern of constant efforts to reach perfection and each time I didn’t reach that, I’d beat myself up with an imaginary bat. Unfortunately, there are times I’m still doing this today, most of which seem to be occurring in my recovery from my sex and love addiction.

A good example is one that came a few weeks ago when I was on the computer with a friend of mine. We were having a friendly chat online when they suddenly sent a flirtatious sexual comment my way. And although that comment was harmless in itself, it immediately triggered me into old wants and desires to act out in my sex and love addiction. Ultimately, I then found myself throughout our remaining dialogue walking on the fringe of old behaviors that if kept up would have definitely landed me in a total relapse. Thankfully that didn’t happen, mostly because I shifted the topic of conversation to a much healthier level by the time it ended. But when my dreams that night became filled with sexual thoughts of this person, I woke up feeling guilty and immediately picked up that imaginary bat. I spent the majority of the morning that day beating myself up until my sponsor from that program of recovery gave me a gentle reminder that I needed to put the bat down and be more gentle with myself.

For someone that’s lived the bulk of their life constantly carrying their trusted bat, that’s been a very hard thing to do. In some cases, it’s almost become second nature for me to beat myself up when I haven’t navigated through a situation with the perfection my mind thinks should have been present. It appears that my brain still hasn’t come to acceptance that the perfection it’s constantly trying to obtain is actually totally unobtainable and always will be. That’s probably why it’s so hard for me to put the bat down once I’ve picked it up and started the pummeling of myself.

In reference to my online conversation with that friend, it took me having to shift my thoughts to ones that were more positive about what I did do versus what I didn’t to put the bat down. I had to remind myself I didn’t go even remotely close to engaging in my old cyber sex chatting I once did with voracious regularity. I had to remind myself that my dreams were just that, my dreams, and out of my control. And lastly, I had to remind myself that I’m human and have been trying my damnedest to stay healthy in recovery.

I understand that it’s going to take some more time to fully remove this pattern of picking up that imaginary bat and beating myself with it. I think the key is in reminding myself how far I’ve already come when I used to self-flagellate myself throughout much of every single day. I’m a lot healthier now than I ever used to be and I truly am doing my best to remain that way. So hopefully the next time when something like this happens, I can remind myself to put the bat down as soon as I pick it up. Because nothing good has ever or will ever come out of beating myself up…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

That Bitter Morass Of Self-Pity

Self-pity is probably something many have struggled with at various times throughout their life. But for an alcoholic or addict of any kind, it’s something that often seems to plague us, especially when our disease is active or when we are early on in our recovery from it. In fact, an excerpt from Bill’s story in the Alcoholics Anonymous Book sums this up quite nicely and it reads as follows:

“No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.”

While these words speak specifically to Bill’s problem with alcohol, I can more than attest to how they apply to all other addictions and various other life circumstances as well, given that many of the things I ever succumbed to always led to self-pity and depression becoming my most trusted companions.

Even after I became clean and sober from alcohol and drugs, Bill’s words continued to ring true to me for years and years. But that’s mostly because I kept trying to handle my life through self-will and control. And the more I kept trying to handle my life through self-will and control, the more I came into the recovery meeting rooms talking about how miserable I was and how bad my depression was getting. And the more I came into the recovery rooms talking about how miserable I was and how bad my depression was getting, the more it seemed to draw in willing participants who would cosign my sob stories. And the more I seemed to draw in willing participants who would cosign my sob stories, the more it enabled me to remain sitting in my steaming pile of crap. And the more I was enabled to remain sitting in my steaming pile of crap, the more I grew self-piteous and depressed. In short, I never got better, not one bit. I only grew worse.

You know that old saying that misery loves company? Well it’s true, as I consistently surrounded myself with those living in their own steaming piles of crap solely because it made me feel better in a very sick way. But eventually, living this way never panned out. Instead, it only led me to the brink of suicide and landed me on heavy-duty medications.

The only solution I found that’s been able to keep me away from living a life of self-pity has been the 12 Steps. It’s through them I was able to discover a Higher Power who helped me to find a lot more gratitude in life. Now I don’t come into the recovery meetings with self-pity and sob stories. I come into them with experience, strength, and hope to offer others.

So my point is this. It’s pretty easy to live in misery especially given how you’ll most likely always find someone who will sit in it with you. But whether you’re an active addict, a recovering one, or even not one at all, it’s truly quite unhealthy for you to keep living that way. Find a support group and begin to do the work there as to why you continue to live in that bitter morass of self-pity because in the long run, you’ll probably feel a whole heck of a lot better…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Cancelling Plans At The Last Minute For A Better Option

Have you ever had someone cancel plans on you at the last minute because a better option arose for them? I have, more times than I can count. But sadly, I’ve also been the one who’s done the cancelling as well, except I never knew how that felt until it kept happening to me.

Sometimes I think that’s the way the Universe operates. We do a particular thing that in our minds is quite harmless, but yet we fail to realize on some level the harm that was actually done through our action. And the only way we ever get to see that is by having it done to us.

For years, I cancelled plans at the last minute on someone for any number of reasons that included things such as getting invited to a party, spending time with someone I had the hot’s for, or receiving tickets to some special event. In my mind, I always justified that action thinking the other person would understand and I could just reschedule. Unfortunately, most of them did reschedule and rarely did any tell me how it felt inside each time I did it to them. Because of that, I never learned the lesson.

Except the tide eventually turned on me for a good number of years when I started having this same behavior happen to me. When various individuals in my life whom I really wanted to spend time with began cancelling plans at the last minute on me, especially during weekends, leaving me with nothing to do but watch television and be alone, it’s when I truly began to understand the harm I had caused others who I had done the same thing to.

My ego was always the sole reason why I justified that action of cancelling on another at the last minute. And with it in charge, I never once thought about how those people I had plans with might not have had anyone else to spend time with. I never thought about the lonely evenings they could have endured because of it. I never thought about how much they probably were looking forward to it in week’s prior. The fact is, I never thought about them at all, I only thought about myself, and my own needs, wants, and desires.

A friend posed a question on Facebook recently that asked what everyone’s definition of love is. I said that I believe love is when someone else’s needs, wants, and desires become far more important than my own. Applying this definition to the case of cancelling plans on another at the last minute, it’s my belief that I’m as far from demonstrating that as I could be by doing this.

So I’m really trying to live today with that age-old adage that says to do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. Because ultimately it never felt good on any level when someone cancelled plans on me at the last minute, thus why should I ever do it to anyone else? I’m just glad I totally see this now…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson