Month: May 2015

My Eye Is On The Sparrow

I look for signs of communication from my Higher Power everywhere these days. Not too long ago through I thought the God of my understanding only communicated with me through a message at a church service or maybe through a friend. But I’ve come to believe if God truly is omnipresent, then why can’t God talk to me in plenty of other ways such as through a sparrow in my backyard.

Recently I was sitting in a chair there, contemplating life and questioning how much longer I can endure these health issues I’ve been facing, when I suddenly tuned into a repetitive and very loud chirp nearby. I looked around for its source and noticed high up in the utility pole in the corner of my backyard sat a sparrow.

Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp.

Given my frustration with my pain levels, I began to direct all of it upon this tiny sparrow as I watched it start to quickly build a nest between some wiring and cylinders on the pole. Any bit of peace and serenity I was trying to find out there in my backyard was somehow being eradicated with each and every one of its chirps. That’s when I decided it was becoming an unnecessary extension of my pain and proceeded to call the electrical company to come and remove the nesting that was there. I claimed it was a fire hazard and sure enough they came that very evening and looked at me like it was the most ridiculous call they had ever been sent to. In all honesty, it probably was looking back at this whole experience now. Anyway, the nesting was removed and I was promptly informed it was never a fire hazard in the first place. I was also told I could simply use a leaf blower the next time it happened.

Ironically, or maybe not so ironically, the innocent sparrow immediately returned to rebuilding its nest as soon as the electrical company worker left. Over the next few days I continued to direct my irritation over how I felt with my health upon this sparrow. Again and again I used my leaf blower, just as the power company had suggested, and blew any nesting away that was there. All of this started weighing heavily upon me though on one of those specific days after I had gone up my ladder for the umpteenth time and done that very action.

As I watched the sparrow not give up and hastily start rebuilding its nest yet again, I felt sad, wondering how I’d feel if I were it and my home kept getting destroyed. But even more importantly, as I looked around at all the utility poles nearby, I noticed not one of them had a single nest in it, which made me think there might be a deeper message here coming from my Higher Power than just feeling sad about a bird.

What if this sparrow’s determination to build its nest was a message for me to not give up in my own determination to heal given all the prayers I’ve sent to God lately due to my pain?

What if the message was to just keep on doing what I’ve been doing day after day after day to heal?

Simply put, maybe the nest I’ve been building for a while now is a healthier me. And maybe the main message here was to keep on building this nest like I have been, even when the wind blows, delivering me days of great pain, and knocking me down. I say all this because of how this story ends, at least with the sparrow.

After I came to acceptance that this might be a message my Higher Power was trying to communicate to me, I asked the sparrow to forgive me for my acts of control, sent it love and went back inside. A short time later, I decided to return outside and there sticking in my fence I have to open to enter my backyard was a piece of the bird’s nest. I instantly looked up and saw the bird happily making its nest grow bigger and bigger. That’s when I kneeled down on the ground and once again asked for forgiveness for the pain I had caused it, when suddenly it flew over to the gutter nearby and looked straight down at me. In that moment, while I can’t say that I heard its voice in human words, I felt in my heart a sense of peace and a thank you coming from this little sparrow.

As I watched it then fly back up to attending to its nest and soon to be breeding ground, I was glad I had kept my eye on the sparrow because it was through it that I truly believe God has been watching me…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

How My Faith Was Restored In Sponsorship

While sponsoring someone through the 12 Steps in a recovery program can be quite rewarding in a number of ways, watching one after another relapse, die, or disappear before completing them isn’t. Up until recently, out of the 60+ individuals that I’ve sponsored, not one has ever made it through the entire Big Book 12-Step process. But thankfully, I can say now one of them finally did surpass all of those odds and finish the process with me, of which I am eternally grateful because it restored my faith in sponsorship.

Sadly though, most of those I’ve sponsored prior to him always gave up at the 3rd Step or during their work on the 4th. With the 3rd, it’s all about turning one’s will over to the care of a Higher Power, which often trips a sponsees up, especially when they’ve been running on self-will for so long. So many seems to have issues when the talk of God arises, usually because of the religion that was presented to them as a kid growing up or views immensely pressed upon them from another some time later in life. As with the 4th Step, that’s entirely about facing oneself and taking a hard look at how all their resentments, anger, and misery in life stems back to the very person they see in the mirror every single day. This often proves to be extremely difficult for most, especially when plenty of painful things have happened throughout their lives they want to continue blaming another for.

There is one other area I have also found to be problematic for a sponsee as well and that comes during their work on the 8th and 9th Steps. It’s here labor begins to be put forward to repairing the damage they caused others over the years, which can be overly fearful for someone who created a lot of it from their addiction-fueled behaviors.

So as the years would pass, one by one, with me remaining clean and sober, I’d sponsor person after person, hoping with each that they would be the first to make it through the entire 164 pages of 12 Step work. But none would. And as I lost each of them during the 3rd, 4th, 8th, 9th or some other part of the 12 Step work, I would grow more and more frustrated, asking myself why bother sponsoring someone at all. Which is why I’m so grateful to be writing today’s entry, because one of those sponsees actually defied those odds and completed the 12 Steps with me in a year’s worth of very hard work.

While I would love to mention this man’s name and give him the well-earned praise he truly deserves, I must respect the principle of anonymity in recovery and just say thanks in this way. It is because of this man’s hard work that my faith has been restored and rejuvenated in the sponsorship process. And it is because of this man’s hard work why I will continue doing my absolute best to sponsor one individual after another to find their way through the 12 Steps of recovery. Thank you God for bringing this man into my life and giving me a clear reminder as to why sponsorship is so important in recovery from addiction…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson