I walked into my AA home group a week ago on Monday morning and did what everyone else usually does when they arrive, I began to greet everyone with a handshake or a hug, depending on what each person was open to. Normally this action is a great way to feel connected to the bond that comes from being in recovery. But when I approached an individual I’ve known for over a year and went to give them my usual greeting with them, I was quite taken aback at what they said to me.
“You’re so negative lately! You haven’t been the same as you were a year ago!”
I was shocked to hear these words, especially given how I rarely express any negativity during AA meetings and only once have I done anything social with this person outside of the meetings. And while I may have been a little down about my health on the day I was social with them, the word “negative” doesn’t really describe how I acted there either, as that’s something I’ve worked truly hard to remove from my everyday being. This is why I decided to inquire why they would say such a thing. I honestly wished I hadn’t though, because what came out of their mouth was only another verbal dagger.
“I just don’t feel very good energy coming from you when I’m around you…”
Unfortunately, I truly took this to heart given how hard I’ve been working on myself. On some level, it really caused me to second guess everything I’ve been doing to have a healthier recovery and a healthier spiritual life in general. But thankfully, my AA sponsor was present at the meeting that day and was open to taking a few minutes to talk with me before the meeting actually began.
He immediately reminded me of something during our brief conversation that I continue to battle with these days and that’s to realize when people say not so nice things to others such as what was said to me, that it’s really not about the people they are saying it to, it’s about themselves. Even so, I proceeded to ask him if he felt I’d been negative more than not over the past year because I’m constantly looking to improve myself and spiritually grow in life. I was grateful to hear that he didn’t feel that way and would tell me if he ever did.
Taking a hard look at myself since then, the only truth I could come up with in regards to this individual is that I have felt down and blue within more than not for close to a year now. All of that is directly related to my health issues and nothing more, but regardless I have done my absolute best to contain it and speak of nothing but experience, strength, and hope when I share at any meeting including my home group.
Thus I came to the very same conclusion that my sponsor reminded me of after all this introspection and that’s that sometimes people say the harshest of things, never realizing it’s not about the person they’re saying the words to, it’s about themselves. But even more important, I think the darkness in this world was trying to strike me down even more that day, because I was already feeling quite low to start with by the time I arrived at my meeting. Regardless, I blessed this person with love, forgiveness, and peace a number of times since then and feel a lot better now because of it.
Overall I ultimately believe it’s situations like this that continue to give me clear reminders why it’s so important to have a good sponsor in any addiction recovery program. We all get in our heads plenty of times and often end up taking things far too personal. But it’s our sponsors that are there to help unravel that mess if that should happen and thankfully my sponsor did just that by tapping into the unconditional love of my Higher Power to help me fight the darkness that came my way that day…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson