Do you ever question why you are here? Ever wonder if you are doing what you feel you were brought here to do? These are the questions I’ve been asking my Higher Power a lot lately and trying to discern any guidance and direction hasn’t been easy.
There are those spiritual schools of thought who would probably say that it’s our job to go out there and find those answers ourselves, while there are the other spiritual schools of thought who would say it’s our job to be still and wait patiently for them to come. I’ve been a student of both at various times throughout my life, but lately I seem to definitely be one in the latter.
Waiting for guidance and direction though has without a doubt been the most challenging thing I’ve ever had to face in life. For what seems like an eternity ago, I prayed to God to cleanse my life from the poisons and toxicities I inherited in my genes and engaged in for far too many years. Since then, the results of those prayers haven’t been the ones I expected or hoped for. Instead, it feels as if I’ve been in a holding pattern now for several years, watching my mind, body, and soul go through many changes, some quite wonderful, with many others extremely painful. More than not though, I’ve had so many moments where the best I’ve been able to do is continue praying, alongside my daily practices of meditating, writing, and working my 12 Step recovery program.
So what is a person to do when those prayers go unanswered far longer than expected? Well, that’s precisely what my ego often tries to tell me. In the past, I’ve always given up on that “being still” mentality every time this has happened and instead forged some other path on my own. Unfortunately, none of those paths ever ended well, some were dead-ends, while the others were filled with nothing but thorns and brambles. Yet somehow, my ego was always satisfied that it was in charge and making decisions, even if they were poor ones.
But I’m different now, albeit more spiritually sound and because of this, I’ve been fighting all of my ego’s desire to take charge once again on just about every single day. It’s relentless though, as it keeps attempting to tell me that God has totally forgotten about me. “Take a look at how much pain you’re in! This isn’t working. Do something! Anything!” is the words I continue to hear from it on most days. Yet I haven’t done anything other than remain patient and trust that God is still with me and within me, guiding me out of the darkness, even when my ego is convinced that’s not so. I guess that’s a lot what remaining faithful is about in this spiritual school of thought.
The fact remains though that being still, even when everything looks so bleak is never easy. To keep on serving the God of my understanding through all my thoughts, words, and actions when I struggle to see the light on many of days is truly difficult. But, in the long run, I honestly believe that if I remain on this path, as hard as it is, that God will deliver me into a much better state of being. When that is, I don’t know. But I’m convinced that on the other side of this, I’ll finally start receiving some answers as to why I’m here and what I was brought here to do.
For now though, the thought I leave you all with is this. Maybe, just maybe, when we feel we have the absence of any clear guidance and direction in our lives and our prayers have seemingly gone unanswered, it’s a message to remind us that we’re already doing what we’re supposed to be doing and to keep on doing it until our Higher Power shows us the next step…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson