If there was one thing I would like to have in life right now it’s a few more close friends and lately, I haven’t had much success in bringing that to fruition. I know I’ve discussed this very topic quite recently in fact, but given an incident that took place about a week ago with someone I thought I was closer to than I actually was, I felt it was rather important to revisit it again.
The reminder of this lack of closeness in my friendships came lately when a friend arrived in town that I had been talking to over the phone for most days over the past year. I was very excited to finally get some face-to-face time with him after such a prolonged period of so many in-depth phone conversations. When I inquired about whether I could have a few hours of alone time with him, apart from his family and partner, I was told he’d see what he could do and I was given a specific day to set aside. Unfortunately, he never did get back to me about those few hours I requested and when that day arrived I had set aside, I found myself feeling a little sad and hurt that we weren’t going to have any alone time. After telling him how I felt, he did put some time aside later that evening to meet with me and it was then I discovered once again that I was feeling far closer to another person than they were with me.
Sadly, this is such a repeated pattern of behavior with me over the years. I’ve honestly found myself feeling closer to a number of individuals plenty of times that I had spent considerable effort getting to know. But inevitably that has always seemed to be one-sided, meaning I’ve felt that way with them, but not them with me. It’s hard because I usually have seen the potential closeness I could have with them, yet most of the time I’m the only one doing the bulk of the work in trying to grow that friendship. And what I have at most with them instead has actually been just a casual friendship.
The fact is I think I’m likable guy and I do my absolute best these days to be there more for the needs of my friends than for myself. Unfortunately, that still hasn’t been enough to cultivate any new close friendships in recent years, which has led to a very lonely existence at times for me. Sure, I know a ton of people in the rooms of recovery from addiction and am friendly with all of them. But, what I’m looking for is something much deeper than casual friendliness.
I long to have a few connections with those who go out of there way to spend time with me, like I do with them, who treasure a spiritual connection, who maintain integrity, and are ok with truly being open and vulnerable when we hang out or communicate with each other over the phone.
Regardless, I’m still grateful for my spiritual teacher, my long standing friend from Massachusetts, and my partner, who each continue to go out of their way to really show they are there for me more than not. So while I long for having more of that with a few others in life as well, I’m going to continue trusting in God that maybe right now the only close friendships I’m meant to be working on are the ones I already have, which of course does include myself and my Higher Power… J
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson