Just over a week ago now I lost another sponsee to a drug overdose. This was the fifth person I have worked with over the years in the 12 Steps who lost their life in this way and if I include them in the grand tally of all those I’ve known who’ve lost their lives to drug addiction, the total is probably well over 100 at this point.
Reports say that the war on drugs is better this year with a 5% decrease in overdoses. Personally, I think it’s extremely misleading to tell the public something like this, because for someone who’s deep in the trenches of alcohol and drug addiction, doing their best to save souls, I’ve seen anything but a decrease in recent times with this disease.
Yet, for as much as I’m grieving another big loss in my life due to addiction, I’m at least thankful that I’m still clean and sober. I must say though that the night I found out that another sponsee (and close friend at that) had died from an overdose, I really questioned whether I wanted to give up as well. For a moment there, or maybe several long moments, I actually thought about picking up alcohol, drugs, sex, etc., and just saying “F#$k it”.
Nevertheless, I ask myself what more can I do on this war with addiction. I say addiction in general, because I fight this war on multiple fronts and have seen the devastation other addictions do to people as well that destroy their families, their health, and frankly their souls. In the very same week this latest sponsee passed away, two other sponsees from my other 12 Step program let me know they relapsed as well. It surely is frustrating to give it your all and help another suffering individual who’s deeply struggling with an addiction when all you seem to hear about is relapses. But, as I’m so often reminded, what matters the most is this.
I’M STILL CLEAN AND SOBER.
Although I think that darkness/Devil/Satan, etc. would like to see it otherwise. The fact is I’m always one drink, one drug, one random sexual act, and so on, away from being right back on the other side of this disease and most likely becoming a stat myself. As they always say in my world of recovery, I may have another relapse, but there’s a good chance I may not ever have another recovery in me again. I’m not willing to take that chance and I must keep fighting the good fight, doing the best I can to keep spreading my message of experience, strength, and hope to those who want it, those who know that 12 Step recovery is something you do for the rest of your life and not just until you feel better. Because our addictions are always doing push-ups around the corner, waiting for us to re-engage.
My sponsee may not have another chance at recovery, but if you’re reading this and are still engaging in some type of addiction that’s robbing your life of any type of joy, you still have a chance. Don’t give up. I surely haven’t, even though I’ve gone through so much and endured incredible amounts of pain through it all. As Elton John once said, “I’m still standing” and with some recovery work, so can you.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Grief can lead to a great amount of conflict inside. I can very much relate to that turmoil. However, when I found out I can find strength in that turmoil it was amazing. You are finding strength in ways you could never see before. LOOK AT THAT. It was so hard for me but when I actually could SEE the strength in it and I could see the magnitude of functioning After when, in fact, I Definitely should not have been functioning ….I realized I could Do it. I WAS doing it.
With grief it is hard to accept even the fact that life moves forward. I had felt I was standing still. Like everything turned to ice around me and was so foreign. For me life Stopped. However, NOW I know, in that standing still….in that literal HELL….somehow life and Me moved forward. I could have definitely CHOSEN to stay stuck…lost in my grief..Fortunately, I have other children that need me. We had lost so much time already because of my physical illness. I just had gotten well enough to get them back. I had to push forward or loose them again too. OR loose my mind…that’s always an option…I would actually be excused in sooo many ways with all my stuff…
I just choose. Every day. I choose to live. I choose sanity. I choose serenity. I choose to put things aside I cannot deal with at the moment and do the best I can. I choose to only focus and fixate on things that bring me joy. No matter how ridiculous or small it is to anyone around me. I don’t entertain or even remember most of the negativity in my life anymore. Even trauma. It is soo unimportant. Imagine that? I never would have been able to…logically or illogically before this ultimate trauma for me.
I choose. It’s not perfect. I fall in grief. I have gut wrenching moments I have to squelch. I’ve had so many moments “I feel I’m going to die from heartache ” . I have slamming reality that hits me and sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I choose. I accept the rush of emotions. I have now somehow learned to command it. Except for 3x a year now that Feel out of control unless I just leave. Go away. So I take a trip out of town to indulge the fight or flight that is so overwhelming . Hopefully that will get softer over time also.
I don’t think my way is right or wrong. Most times I do not even understand what is happening. Grief is grief in all of its steps and bouncing. There is not compare, just relate. For me, though, I know I have to choose. I have to constantly and consciously make a decision on how I deal with my grief. It smacks me, blind sides me, and comes from Every angle- all of the time. Even right after I did all that work to put makeup on. And BOOM. DEAL. Or, when my child is having a memorable event. BAMB. DEAL. I have to decide: Who do you make this about? I have to choose. It’s in all of this confusion and gut wrenching, deep heartache I’ve learned to function and somehow be true to myself and the honesty I hold myself accountable to. It is so hard. So hard. All we can do is our best with a heart willing to grow. It’s the best I can think to do in my pain so I can be the best “me” to give to those I love so much. Those that need “me”, whatever it is I can give. I see how important that is. Oh, so small in my mind. But so important. My perspective is that I am just grateful for every moment because it is That much more special now.
Thank you for a nice detailed response to today’s article. To summarize, I believe what you are saying is to simply keep moving forward doing the best we can to focus on the good, the joy, and to not wallow in the misery or pain that life often deals us. It’s tough because the mind often wants to do that. So, a constant battle or choice right?