Month: April 2020

When You’re Stripped Away To Nothing But You…

What happens when everything feels stripped away from what you thought you were and you’re left with nothing but yourself in a mostly stay-at-home quarantined state due to a pandemic? In my case, something that’s made me feel exceptionally uncomfortable and extremely depressed.

Prior to the onslaught of the COVID-19 virus, I was doing my best to live out the underlying purpose of the 12th Step. Averaging somewhere between 20 and 30 hours a week in addiction recovery work, I very much enjoyed doing my best to “carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.” But since this pandemic has forced many of us to stay at home more than not, I’ve been averaging at the most a few hours of addiction recovery work in any given week now. While I’ve had regular communications and meetings via digital platforms, it just hasn’t felt the same. This forced isolation has truly left me feeling totally directionless, frustrated, and questioning the point of my very existence. Part of that is because I also haven’t had a paying job in a very long time and any attempt I’ve sought for even part-time employment that I could handle with my health issues hasn’t worked out. But, I chose to accept that this is what my Higher Power wanted, for me to give back for a while, and so I have, which is why I’ve done my best to live and breathe the 12 Steps. Essentially, 12 Step recovery work has become my entire life, my only purpose, and the very reason on most days to keep on going.

As this COVID-19 pandemic grew worse though, my 12 Step work began drying up, leaving me feeling stripped of the only purpose I feel God has given me over the past decade and keeping me mostly at home. And even though I know remaining at home has been helping to keep others healthy and safe, I haven’t been feeling all that healthy and safe. I’ve actually felt tempted to give in to former addictions, chiefly late at night, just to cope, and my mental health feels like it’s beginning to waver now as well. Even the way I’ve been looking at myself seems to be suffering again, as I’ve found myself criticizing the way I look and picking apart every little blemish. All this because I’ve been feeling stripped away to nothing.

The fact is, if I can’t do my normal recovery work right now, what am I supposed to do? I can only clean my house so much and household projects have only gone so far. While I don’t foresee this pandemic lasting indefinitely, it’s really made me wonder, are all these negative feelings I’ve been having about myself been there all the time below the radar so to speak? Is this forced stay-at-home quarantine only revealing what has always been there within me? If that’s the case, I have no idea how to overcome any of these newly surfaced feelings about myself. Basically, I’ve come to realize I don’t have enough self-love for myself. Up until this pandemic, my only solution in creating self-love was in my doing, not in my being.

Thich Nat Hahn once said “We have a tendency to think in terms of doing and not in terms of being. We think that when we are not doing anything, we are wasting our time. But that is not true. Our time is first of all for us to be. To be what? To be alive, to be peaceful, to be joyful, to be loving. And that is what the world needs most.”

So, is it possible to just exist, to just stay home and still be happy and love myself? Yes and I know that being on this hamster wheel of constantly feeling like I have to do something has been getting me nowhere but leaving me feeling angry and empty.

In the end, I want to be ok with this feeling of being stripped away to nothing, which means learning how to love myself a lot more and learning how to love myself as God loves me, as I know in doing so I’ll be able to be at peace no matter what comes my way that forces me to stay home or be alone, like a pandemic or anything else…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her clothing purchases. “Cash, check, or charge?” she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” the cashier inquired. “No,” she replied. “But my husband, Jeff, refused to come clothes shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

Silly Joke #2

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation that will pay him more as he hasn’t been able to cover his expenses. There is a total hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave as he’s been the best leader their church has ever seen. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City suddenly stands up and proclaims: “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: “If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!” More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, then stands and announces with a smile, “If the preacher stays, I will give him sex,” There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: “Oh my, Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, ”Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said…… ‘Screw the Preacher!’”

Silly Joke #3

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?” So the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one. This one right here.” Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, “How did you know this is the cow to be bred?” “That’s simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains. Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?” “I guess it’s for you to hang your pants on,” she tells him as she walks away.

Bonus Silly Joke

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?” 

He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and may be interested in possibly doing some business.”

“Very well, my son”, the nun answers. “Please follow me.”

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. Another door is in front of him, while the door he just came through locks behind him. As he opens the second door, he suddenly finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.
NOW REPENT AND GO IN PEACE!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thought For The Day

Quote #1

“Stop pointing fingers and placing blame on others. Your life can only change to the degree that you accept responsibility for it.” (Dr. Steve Maraboli)

Quote #2

“Clean up your own backyard before you barge into someone else’s. If you point a finger make sure that the other four are not pointing right at you. Practice what you preach because karma has a way of finding the ones it missed.” (Cecille F Critica)

Quote #3

“Every time you judge someone, you reveal a part of yourself that needs healing.” (Unknown)

Bonus Quote

“If you’re so busy pointing fingers and finding fault in what you think others do wrong, you are being an obnoxious hypocrite who is blind to your own flaws and faults, so before you decide to climb you righteous high horse, you best make sure you are totally perfect.” (Mirbin Kramsapi)

Peace, love, light, and joy
Andrew Arthur Dawson