It’s pretty easy to try to blame the source of one’s pain on those closest to you or on things around you. For as long as I’ve been dealing with the difficult health issues I have, I’ve occasionally and regrettably lashed out at my partner and others closest to my heart, and even with the region I’m currently living in too. Most recently, in the midst of doing this behavior, I opted to go visit a close high school friend named Karen whose family lives in Austin, Texas, solely in the hopes that my health might improve drastically by getting away from Toledo, the Midwest, and my partner. It was pretty obvious in the first 24 hours away though that what’s been going on within me has nothing to do with anyone or anything but me.
While at times my stress levels may indeed be higher due to where I live or tensions with my partner, I accept now that neither are major contributors to any of my health issues. For as much as alcohol or drugs or sex or love or any of the other things I once addictively fell prey to numbed various parts of my psyche that I didn’t like about myself, a small vacation taken many miles away merely did the same as well.
On some level, I’m actually thankful to discover this, as it quickly eliminated the many projections my ego has been giving me lately, especially during these COVID times. The saying “You are wherever you go” feels so apropos right about now with that stark realization. While my ego truly wanted to go to Austin and suddenly experience miraculous levels of relief and healing, that didn’t happen, thus crushing my ego’s last ditched effort to remain in control.
The reality I see now is that my health and healing really is out of my control. I’ve done the very best I can over the years to heal myself by desperately seeking answers and working so very hard to find the source of all my pain. Along the way I’ve attempted to fix all the brokenness and unhealthiness from my past and still have come up short in the physical healing department. Ultimately, I accept now it really is in God’s hands and maybe always was. I just needed to give my ego a last hurrah by going on this trip alone so it could see the ultimate truth.
So, while I’m blessed to have been a guest in Karen’s home for a few days in Austin and did experience some wonderful times, the biggest blessing quite possibly received on this trip was the crushing blow given to my ego when its final attempt to try to fix me failed. I see now the only thing that’s going to fix me is to keep trusting in God, as it’s God and not my ego that delivered me from a life of addiction hell, and it’s God who will do the same with my health when the time is right.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson