Is There A Purpose To My Life Anymore? Do I Ultimately Matter?

There are a lot of things I’ve written in this blog since its inception, and I do mean a lot, given I’m well in the 3000+ range of personal testimonies shared from my spiritual journey in life. But, there are many days now where I think about quitting this, especially recently with my website experiencing some major hiccups. I haven’t quit though for one reason only because I find it’s the healthiest way to still express myself, even if I may get redundant at times in my subject material. That being said, whether this is redundant in me saying this or not today, my biggest struggle lately is feeling like there isn’t a purpose to my life anymore and that I don’t ultimately matter in this world.

After 25+ years of being in therapy with many different types of counselors, going through a number of 12 Step programs, being a part of several intensive men’s spiritual groups, going away on dozens of self-empowerment retreats, doing regular meditations, affirmations, and prayers, offering gratitude daily, and doing my best to remain healthy, mind, body, and soul through natural healing and helping others, I still find myself questioning whether any of this has done any bit of good. Why? Because I continue to feel like I have no purpose and that my life doesn’t matter. Even worse, I find myself questioning lately whether God even exists, and if God does, why can’t I feel His presence no matter how hard I try to. And at my deepest level of insecurity, all of this leaves me wondering if I died tomorrow, would anyone really even care in the long run or would I easily be forgotten?

While I’m sure I’ve touched the heart and soul of some at some point or another, I question that now more than not. I know I sure do try to make a difference, but, truth be told, there isn’t a day where I don’t still question this. And although I practice gratitude daily, I wake up on most days feeling unhappy and wishing God would bring me home. Frankly, I’m simply exhausted from trying to find my purpose here and feel like I matter. And believe me I have done A LOT to try to find my purpose or create a purpose.

I honestly don’t know how much the chronic pain I’ve felt for as long as I have makes me think this way. I know prior to developing all this pain, I surely didn’t have this low of self-esteem. So, maybe I’m just blocked from seeing the truth? Maybe my chronic pain creates an illusion that I don’t matter when I truly do and maybe it prevents me from fully seeing the purpose of my continued existence? Maybe it also prevents me from really feeling the presence of God as well? I don’t ultimately know the veracity of any of this, but what I do know is that it really does seem to be out of my control to change any of how I feel, given how hard I’ve tried to over the years.

Nevertheless, while today’s words may indeed sound redundant from past writings, just know I shared them today, not just to be fully transparent to the sheer frustration and hopelessness I feel in my life right now, but also to let all those out there who might be feeling similarly know they aren’t alone. Ultimately, I think everyone matters and we all have a purpose here on Earth, but the hardest part in life is to feel that from within, rather than looking for it outside of ourselves, something my low self-esteem lately has done quite a bit of. Regardless, I pray that all of us feeling this way in this world right now may soon find that sunlight of our souls and shine like we are all truly meant to.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Artur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear: “Daddy, you don’t have to pay for me. I’m under five…”

Silly Joke #2

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.” The Texan lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The lady from Mississippi continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.” Again, the Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman boasted, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.” Yet again, the Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?” The Texas lady replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.” “Charm school!” the first woman cried. “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?” The Texas lady responded, “So that instead of saying, ‘Who gives a shit!” I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?'”

Silly Joke #3

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. “Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.” Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even gratified himself and put it too into the concoction! He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop gratifying yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thought For The Day

Quote #1

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.” (Heath L. Buckmaster)

Quote #2

“Whether a person is gay or transgender or straight, it doesn’t change the fact that they are trying to lead their own life.” (Aya Kamikawa)

Quote #3

“It isn’t about “becoming” another person – I already am who I am – I just want my body to reflect that. It’s not like I’m suddenly changing from the person you’ve always known – this is more about your willingness to see who I’ve always been.” (Cooper Lee Bombardier)

Bonus Quote

Whether you’re transgender or not, most of us get to a point in our lives where we can no longer lie to ourselves.” (Laverne Cox)

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson