Month: September 2021

The Truly Transparent Me…Sharing From The Depths Of My Pain

Most people aren’t fully transparent in this world, usually out of fear of being judged. Today I want to show you what being truly transparent looks like by sharing from the depths of my pain.

Many of you may not know what it’s like to walk around for years on end in severe chronic pain. In fact, you might even go about your ways, oblivious to those around you who may be suffering incredibly all the time like me. And even if you do know of someone’s suffering and try to understand, it’s very hard to, unless you’ve suffered in pain for a long time too. And sadly, when people don’t quite understand, it’s precisely when they begin judging, something I’ve been a recipient quite a bit of in recent years when it comes to my health.

Many have insinuated I relish in self-pity and like living in my pain. I don’t. The truth is that if I could have one wish, one prayer, one hope to come true, it would to be free of this burden once and for all. Regardless, I do my best to put a smile on my face each day, to keep my faith in God, and find some sort of solace in this never-ending sea of frustration over how I feel inside from the very moment I wake up every morning. As when you’re in constant pain like I am, the sky always seems gray and everyone feels like a million miles away. Especially God. I doubt God far too much now. Does that make me agnostic? This pain has really made me question the existence of God.

Have I done something wrong? What more can I do? Is God mad at me? Is God waiting on me to do something? Am I supposed to keep waiting on God? These are all questions I ask myself frequently now and if I hear one more person tell me in response to them that when God feels distant, it’s not God who’s moved, it’s me, I think I’m going to scream!

People have had so many suggestions on how I should be handling what I’m going through and I’ve tried so many of them to no avail, which has led me to accept that removing this is totally out of my control. Yet, my ego still desperately tries to find a solution and so do some of my friends. They google this or that online, hoping to understand and find an answer. I know they mean well, but when you’ve tried so many things with no success over the course of 11 years, you already know google and the world in general isn’t going to have the answer.

All of this has led to me feeling like I’ve been running a never-ending marathon; one in fact I don’t want to run anymore. It’s why painkillers often beckon my ego, painkillers like medical marijuana. For an addict like me, I just can’t go there. Because I know deep down where it’s going to eventually take me, because it’s taken me there before. Because anything I’ve ever taken over the years to numb my pain has never been enough to fully silence it. And each time I’ve gotten any bit of relief from any painkiller I’ve taken, I’ve always only wanted more of it, creating another vicious cycle of addiction.

The path I embarked upon many years ago now was to be free of living my life in this way. It was to stop numbing myself with one thing after another, including drugs, medications, people, and a number of other things as well. That’s why for as bad as this feels inside, I have chosen to not numb it with anything. Why God hasn’t freed me from this after all this time, I don’t know. People suggest that if God hasn’t healed me by now, He probably won’t. Others say it’s dumb to have faith in God instead of medicine. What they don’t understand is that the last time I placed my faith in medicine, I tried to kill myself. Because numbing myself with medicine felt like giving up to me.

I’m quite sure some of you reading this are probably shaking your head right now, thinking you know better than I do. Like I just need some anti-depressant or some other pill, and all will be well. There is no pill that is going to fix this and until you’ve walked a day in my shoes, you’ll never be able to understand that. Nevertheless, my mother once said I hadn’t kicked hard enough in this swim race I had finished last in, at the young age of 12. But you know what? I was kicking hard enough then and I’m still kicking hard enough now by doing my best to keep my faith in God and in this healing path I remain devoted to.

So, this is the real me, the truly transparent me. One that most rarely post about themselves on social media. While my present world doesn’t make sense to me anymore and I often feel invisible because of this sea of chronic pain inside me, I still believe in God and cling to my faith that He has a beautiful plan for me, in this life…even as my pain continues to scream at me, always trying to make me believe otherwise…always trying to make me give up…while I keeping praying that I don’t…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Four priests board a train for an overnight journey to an annual church council conference. They are all sharing a private room together. Shortly into the trip, one priest says, “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another’s worst sin we struggle with the most. I suggest we do a confession right now.” They look nervously at each other but all nod OK. The first priest says, “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind to get it out of my system.” The other three look at each other nervously as the next priest slowly says, “Well……with me, it’s gambling. Once a year, I take my collar off and remove a considerable amount of money from the collections. I then head to the casino and typically spend it all on the blackjack tables to get it out of my system.” The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says, “This is really difficult, as I think my sin is worse than both of yours. I take off my collar once a year and hire a prostitute. I usually spend all night with her to get it out of my system.” They all look at the fourth priest now who hasn’t gone yet. He doesn’t say anything. The first speaks, “Come now, we’ve all told our worst sin, now it’s your turn.” The fourth priest then looks at the others and starts hesitantly, “Well, once a year, I take off my collar and totally gossip about the juiciest confession I’ve heard and well, honestly, I can’t wait to get off this train!”

Silly Joke #2

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?” “I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.” “Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!” “That’s right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”

Silly Joke #3

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three other doctors are there on the scene already!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he eventually finds a house and silently breaks into it, hoping to find money or guns, but only finds a young couple asleep in their bed. He immediately orders the guy out of the bed and ties him up in a chair. He then ties the girl up on the bed, after which he leans in and kisses her on the neck, then quickly gets up, and immediately goes to the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Honey, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. I don’t want him to get angry because he’ll probably kill us both if he does. Be strong, honey. We’ll make it through this! I love you!” The wife then responds, “Dear, he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, We will make it through this! And I love you, too!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thought For The Day

Today’s quotes are good ones surrounding yesterday’s article that was about when mistakes are made and finding forgiveness for them, something I believe our world needs a lot more of right now…

“Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.” (Najwa Zebian)

“Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn’t make you weak; it sets you free.” (Dave Willis)

“When you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you take away their power.” (Unknown)

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.” (Brynt H. McGill)

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson