There is a thing that often occurs with many newcomers to any addiction recovery program and that is dreams about relapsing. Newfound sobriety for many often generates this type of dream as one gets used to being clean and sober from whatever their addiction was. Early on, 27 years ago, I had many of those relapsing dreams. As the years went on though, they became grossly infrequent, until they became non-existent at all, that is until last week, when I had one of them out of the clear blue.
In my dream, I was actually dating a woman of all things and faking my attraction to her. I kept trying to convince myself I could find her attractive if I just tried hard enough and decided that consuming a beer was part of that solution. I ironically did this very thing quite a bit back in my college years to deal with a part of me I wasn’t ready to face then. Regardless, after I consumed that first beer in my drinking dream, that old euphoric sensation returned and I suddenly said to myself, “I remember this awesome feeling!” I basked in that moment in my dream until I started feeling dizzy, something that frequently happened to me back in my drinking and drugging days, and something I most assuredly didn’t like. I then began to wrestle with my ego in the dream, telling myself it wasn’t a relapse, as it had been just one drink. I decided I wouldn’t tell anyone and would just continue on with my long-term sobriety. Guilt consumed me in the dream though, so I went to bed to sleep it off. When I awoke, I didn’t realize I was still asleep, as I was having one of those dreams within a dream, like the movie Inception portrayed. I felt incredibly guilty and realized what I had done and knew I had blown my sobriety, but yet I maintained the notion I just wasn’t going to tell anyone. I then abruptly woke up for real this time, laying in my bed at home, and noticed I was sweating bullets and my heart was racing fastidiously. It was then I quickly realized with much thankfulness it was only a dream.
The relief I felt for the rest of that day was most definitely appreciative, as the notion of relapsing after 27 years made me feel so incredibly sick to my stomach, especially when I saw how fast I returned to chronic lying. The good news though is that I didn’t actually relapse. And the better news is how the drinking dream provided me a beautiful reminder why I stopped drinking and drugging in the first place. That abhorrence was still there even after one drink in my dream, so I know it would still exist in real life as well if I ever gave in to temptation.
Sadly, many newcomers to sobriety and recovery who have these type of relapse dreams, often don’t feel guilty upon waking and wish they could go back into their dream. Some even propel themselves back into their actual addiction all over again after having a dream like this. These types of individuals just weren’t ready for long-term sobriety and recovery unfortunately, which is why I’m so appreciative of having the drinking dream I did.
My life was once filled with an incredible sense of fakery when drinking and drugging and many other things had the best of me, including lying on a regular basis. I’m thankful to say I’m not that guy anymore in my recovering life from addiction. But I’m far more thankful I can say 27 years later I’m still clean and sober and even more dedicated to remaining clean and sober after waking from that drinking dream.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
