Welcome to another Grateful Heart Monday, where gratitude gets expressed at the start of every week, which for today is for a realization I didn’t want to face, but most certainly needed to, that being that my very own actions have led to my partner’s heart becoming more closed than open and us being more apart than together now.
I find it so ironic sometimes how the Universe often reveals things we need to see to spiritually grow in the oddest of ways. In this case, ever since a new connection came into my life who I’m helping to open their heart, I’ve been seeing more and more how I’ve done the exact opposite with my partner. To help someone open their heart, it doesn’t come through force, control, yelling, demanding, lecturing, or anything of the sort. While I have steered completely away from doing any of those things in this new connection, which have led to many beautiful God moments, I haven’t done the same with my partner for a very long time. Instead, I’ve been trying to force my partner’s heart open through countless actions that came off as controlling, yelling, and demanding. I’m not proud to admit this to the world because it’s quite humbling and ego shattering.
To be a good spiritual teacher and leader in this world, something I desperately hope to become one day for God, I know that great change will never come through any sort of force whatsoever. Opening the heart center especially takes a certain delicate operation, one that involves embracing, being patient, praising, uplifting, and letting the other know how proud you are of them. Doing those things for another most certainly will help their heart center open and offering such things is definitely a sign of a great teacher, something I know now I’ve failed miserably in with my other half.
I honestly don’t know if my relationship with my partner can heal from all the massive brokenness we have now. While some of that brokenness is indeed his responsibility as well, 12 Step recovery has most assuredly taught me to always own my side of the street. I see so clearly now how my very own words and actions have led to my partner’s heart being more closed than open. Helping this new individual in my life where I’ve done the exact opposite has certainly shown me that. Why I couldn’t see this and practice this long ago when my partner started pulling back when he first began struggling with various aspects of his life that had nothing to do with me, I don’t know. What I do know is that when he did begin to pull back all those years ago, instead of doing what I am doing now in my life to embrace another’s heart so delicately, I came at it with such force that it was nothing more than me being a scolding parent, which is truly no different than the controlling mother I once had.
I have great sadness over this new realization, yet immense gratitude as well, at least to know now how I hold a lot of responsibility in all this, in this brokenness my partner and I have. The only thing I know I can do know is practice restraint, to give space, and to not engage in any force anymore trying to get what my heart so desperately wants in life, which is simply just to feel loved, something I feel so very devoid of in life and have for a long time.
So, on this Grateful Heart Monday, I’m thankful in a very humbling way that the Universe has shown me a truth about myself and my relationship with my partner, a truth I pray and hope to never repeat again with him or anyone else…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
