Four years ago when I was facing the worst of an active sex and love addiction, it was suggested that if I wanted to find freedom from that disease that I cut out anyone from my life who I find triggering. In other words, I needed to distance myself from all those who I felt sparked me into acting out in the addiction. But the most frustrating part about that action was that I had no idea who I found triggering and who I didn’t. So I did the most extreme thing possible, which was to cut everyone out of my life whom I found attractive at the time. While that decision did help me to create a strong foundation for my recovery from this addiction, it also led to me causing some harm to people who considered me a friend. Thankfully though, the Universe has been having some of them resurface in my life recently in strange ways, thus giving me the chance to make amends on the fly.
The first of those came through two missed calls from the same number on a Friday afternoon. I had been on the phone talking with someone when I saw an incoming call from Virginia. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the opportunity to connect over and see who it was, but a few minutes later a second call from the same number came in again. Usually when something like this happens, I assume it’s important, so I promptly ended the one call and called back the other. At first, the individual who answered on the other end apologized and said it had been a mistake. They told me they had my number from long ago and were trying to dial someone else, but somehow it kept calling me instead. When I asked who it was, I learned it was a friend who I used to talk with on many-a-nights long ago during the depths of my sex and love addiction. They were someone I found attractive but other than random flirtation, there had never been a part of my worst “acting out” behaviors. Yet they had gotten caught in the crossfire of my disease and my subsequent cut and run action. After realizing who it was, I immediately took the opportunity to make an amends with them. I owned up to the fear I was going through at the time and how my disease had caused me to be selfish and self-seeking with them more than not. When my amends was complete, my old friend forgave me and said thank you for be so honest. And in the end, the twenty-minute conversation proved to be healing for the both of us.
The second person to resurface from my addiction-laden past was actually someone who was hurt even worse by my cut and run action. They had been a much closer friend, someone who I spent time with in person, had played cards with, done dinners out with, and even attended church together. And while I was attracted to them as well, they had never been a part of my worst “acting out” behaviors either. What I didn’t know was that this individual had been reading my blog and staying connected with me from afar. But upon reading one of my musings one day where I had written about my lack of friendships in life, they left me a comment saying they still cared about me. I had no doubt in my mind at that precise moment that my Higher Power wanted me to contact this person and I did just that a day later. We ended having a truly blessed conversation that lasted for quite a while over the phone. During it, I took the time to make another amends, citing out my fears and the selfish and self-seeking behaviors I had once done with such regularity that I knew had affected them. And like my other recent on the fly amends, this one went very well too. They forgave me and we agreed to start reconnecting again.
So as I reflect on both of these amends that I made on the fly, I feel blessed because I believe that both random resurfacings are signs of how much I’ve healed and spiritually grown from this disease. And while I’m sure there will be plenty more that resurface over time to make amends with, I’m grateful to my Higher Power for showing me how far I’ve come since April 23rd, 2012, which was the date I began my journey to freedom from a terrible sex and love addiction.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
