I spent years believing my bouts of depression were solely due to an incurable chemical imbalance within me that required an anti-depressant to manage them for the rest of my life. Thankfully, that’s no longer the case as I have found that much of the reason I had that was largely being caused by the way I was choosing to live my life.
It’s unfortunate, but one of the first things that most doctors, especially psychiatrists, do these days when a person walks into their office and says they are feeling down is prescribe them a pill, which usually ends up being an anti-depressant. While there are those who absolutely may need one of these due to how unstable they’ve become, there are plenty of others who just don’t want to deal with what’s going on within themselves or in their lives so they take a pill instead to cover it up. According to some recent statistics I found, more than ten percent of American citizens claim they have a chemical imbalance that requires them to be on a mood stabilizing drug. Sadly, those statistics also say that this percentage is rapidly increasing each year. What’s ironic is that just over a few decades ago, none of these anti-depressants existed, suicide rates were much lower, and people weren’t regularly saying they had chemical imbalances. So what’s changed?
The simple fact is that more and more people are looking for a pill these days to take away all those moments where they are feeling down. What most don’t realize is that while their depressed mood is probably resulting from a chemical balance, the depression their experiencing because of it is just their body’s way of forcing them to deal with the issues they’ve been avoiding. It took a lot of therapy and spiritual work on myself to figure this out.
When I became sober after years of being actively addicted to alcohol and drugs, I also began facing the fact that I was a homosexual. While I initially tried to face all those issues, it became too overwhelming so I slid into other addictions to suppress all of it. Within a short period of time, my body responded with its first bout of debilitating depression that forced me to face those issues I was trying to avoid. It also required me to be put on an antidepressant for awhile because I had grown to unstable from those addictions. Through therapy and time, I began to feel much better so I took myself off of the antidepressant. I also stopped the therapy and working on myself as well once life felt like it was returning back to normal. For awhile my life seemed pretty good, but then the day came when my father committed suicide.
When that happened I chose to bottle up his death, tuck it away, and instead went back to other addictions, as that seemed the easiest way to distract myself from dealing with it. But once again, my body responded to that action after a period of time by delivering me another debilitating bout of depression. This forced me once again to face the issue I was avoiding, which was my father’s untimely death. I also had to go back on an anti-depressant because I had grown too unstable once more from my addictive behaviors. Like before, I worked through the issue in therapy until eventually I started feeling better where I then came off of the antidepressant. More than nine years would pass before another serious bout of depression would return and looking back I can see now why that was.
During all those years I never completely stopped working on myself. Instead of going into a full blown addictive mode which always preceded my bouts of serious depression, I stayed with therapy and delved into some issues I knew I needed to work through. But as the years went on, more issues happened in my life including my mother’s tragic death, the end of a seven year relationship, the loss of a business, and a move to a new area. I started avoiding dealing with bits and pieces of those things and began to slowly pull away from some of the work I was doing on myself. Eventually, I stopped all of that work and that addictive side took completely over. And sure enough, that led to another debilitating bout of depression where I was placed back on an antidepressant. Since then I have gone back to working on all those issues I had avoided during that nine year period and then some.
I see things a lot more clearly now and I understand why I’ve had those bouts of serious depression in my life. Consistently whenever bad things happened to me, I covered them up with addictions or other avoidances, and grew apart from any spiritual connection to my Higher Power. The more I stayed in those addictions and the more I avoided dealing with those issues, the more I created a chemical imbalance. And the more I created a chemical imbalance, the more I dealt with depression. But every time I faced my issues and worked through them, and every time I drew closer to my Higher Power, I didn’t have any of those bouts of serious depression. Until I realized all of this, I stayed in this vicious cycle and it looked simply like this:
1. I felt good.
2. Something bad happened.
3. I avoided dealing with it through addictions or other distractions.
4. I grew farther apart from my Higher Power.
5. My depression and anxiety rose until it took over my life.
6. That made me not want to do the addictions or distractions.
7. My mood then became so unstable I had to be put on antidepressants.
8. I started working on dealing with the bad thing that had happened.
9. I grew closer to my Higher Power through that work.
10. I began to feel better.
11. I took myself off of the antidepressants.
Thankfully, I’m not in this cycle anymore as I am dealing with all the bad things as they happen now. I’m not avoiding any of my issues, I’m doing everything I can to have a close relationship to my Higher Power now, and I’m working constantly on myself. I’m also grateful to say I haven’t been on any medications nor have I dealt with any bouts of serious depression for almost two years. But I know all of this is contingent upon me continuing that work both on myself and with my relationship to my Higher Power.
While doctors will probably continue believing that everyone has these bouts of serious depression solely due to chemical imbalances, I am able to see today how my own actions directly led me to having the both of them.
If you are wondering why you get depressed, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and start thinking about those issues in your life that you may be avoiding dealing with instead of just saying you have a chemical imbalance. Some, if not all of your depression, may indeed be due to your own actions and avoidances of issues. Once you start working through them and getting closer to a Higher Power, you will probably find your depression lessening. Keep this up for good, and you may just find that your depression will leave you once and for all…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
