Month: September 2013

Heterosexual Men Who Engage In Homosexual Behaviors

Many years ago, when I was single, I began to come across all too often, men who claimed they were heterosexual, yet they regularly engaged in homosexual behaviors.

The first time I came across this was when I placed a personal ad out on some Internet dating website. I can still remember a response I got from this one man who told me his wife was going to be out of town for a few days and was willing to fly me out to where he lived to keep him company during that time. He even went so far as saying she travelled often and he’d be willing to pay for me to come out there on a regular basis. At first I thought this was just an internet sham, but I learned pretty quickly it wasn’t. Within a short period of time, for whatever reasons I don’t know, more of these types of men continued to respond to my personal ad. Some were married to women, some were dating women, and some were just plain single. But with each of them, they maintained the belief they were mostly heterosexual. Many went on to say that while they weren’t gay, they still enjoyed the occasional comfort of being with a man sexually. Some said they were bi-sexual but mostly straight. And others were actually honest and said they were essentially hiding out in their heterosexual marriages or relationships out of fear.

I found I was more inquisitive with the men who were married or dating a woman, as compared to the rest who were completely single. It wasn’t until many years later, when I began to treat my sex and love addiction, that I learned the reason for this was due to the “high” I was getting out of the act of chasing after someone already involved with someone else, especially with a woman. Most of those “involved” people always had very interesting comments when I brought up the subject of infidelity to them. There were those who said it wasn’t cheating because they weren’t sleeping around with any other woman. Others said they had an agreement with their wife or girlfriend, which I found usually wasn’t true. And some even went so far as saying their wife or girlfriend didn’t please them sexually anymore and that they found a man could do it better.

For a long time, I really thought all of this was bogus because those conversations only ever happened online and I never met any of those people in person. But all of that changed when I met a man in AA back in 2009 who was actively married to a woman at that point in time for around 30 years. And like so many of those online conversations had played out, this man truly claimed he was heterosexual yet he enjoyed engaging in gay sex. And unfortunately, I took the bait and succumbed to my first sexual relationship with someone like this. More often than not, it was one sided with me being the one to do the pleasing, which I found out later is a ploy that many heterosexual men do to maintain somewhere in their brains that they are still straight. There were a few other men from my past that I pursued very similar to this and through those toxic connections and from other research I did in recovery meetings, I learned that there really are not any black and white answers as to why heterosexual men engage in homosexual behaviors. For some it stemmed back to a molestation that affected their attractions in life and kept them re-enacting it over and over again. Others learned to like sex no matter who it was with. And of course there were those who were just afraid to admit they were “homosexual” or “gay”, so they stayed in their heterosexual relationships in fear but acted out on the side.

Regardless of what the reasons really are for each man who claims they are heterosexual but still engages in homosexual behaviors probably doesn’t matter. I believe what really matters is the pain and hurt these men are causing their wives, girlfriends, the single gay men they pursue, and even themselves. Wives give up years of their lives in marriage to these men who are doing nothing more than cheating on them. Girlfriends are often just puppets to keep up an illusion for these men. Openly gay men like myself who become involved with men like this often get hurt because of the many false promises made by these men that never come to fruition. And worst of all, they hurt themselves deep in their hearts and souls through all their deceptive acts as they continue to maintain their “heterosexuality” while sleeping with other men.

Thankfully God has helped me to figure out and accept who I am today, which is homosexual. There was a time though that I was just like many of those men I described above and that was only because of my inner fears, but God helped me to overcome them. And while that is just my story, there are many other men out there in this world who are still writing their own story in the sexuality department.

If you are a man who considers yourself heterosexual on any level but at the same time, is perusing any type of sex from another man online, at bookstores, at rest stops, parks, bars, or any other venue, it might be best for you to do what I did. Instead of continuing to hurt others, including yourself, seek support to figure out who you really are and ask God for guidance to get you there. In doing so, you will be able to come to your own inner truth on what your sexuality really is. And whether you find its heterosexual or homosexual doesn’t really matter, it’s your coming to acceptance in life of whatever it is, that does.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

What Happens When You Put A Relationship As A Higher Priority Than Your Higher Power And Recovery?

In the past few months, three of my friends who had a number of years of sobriety under their belt have all relapsed. In each of their cases, what led to this was them getting involved in a new intimate relationship with someone who became a higher priority to them then their Higher Power and recovery was.

The original 12 Steps were written by Dr. Bob Smith and Bill Wilson to guide people in their recovery to a Higher Power that could save them from the disease of alcohol addiction and the constant relapsing. Since then, many other 12 Step programs have emerged over the years using this same principle because it was found in all the other addictions as well that people couldn’t find sobriety when trying to do it on their own. When anyone is active in any addiction, their higher power generally becomes themselves or the “substance” of their addiction. For the three friends of mine who recently relapsed, and for many others like them, something was placed in front of their Higher Power, and their recovery, with more importance. Usually this happens after getting several years of sobriety under the belt where a person is more comfortable being sober and feels they don’t have to do as much work in their recovery.

Unfortunately, getting comfortable in recovery also becomes rocky ground when a new intimate relationship enters the equation. There’s a “high” that’s experienced from that new connection, and often that seems more alluring then continuing to do the hard work they’ve been doing for years in their recovery to stay close to their Higher Power. So initially what happens for these people is that they start skipping meetings. Then they stop hanging out with the fellowship. Soon they forget about their prayer and meditation time. And then the day comes when too many negative things happen to them and the desire creeps back in to numb their frustration with that substance from their former addiction. The other side of the coin is true as well when the day comes where the person has an abundance of good things happen to them and the desire to celebrate with that substance from their former addiction returns. While in either case they may resist the first, second, or even third round of temptation, eventually many succumb to it as they had developed too distant of a connection to their Higher Power and lost their defense against relapsing.

This is the reason why there’s an unwritten suggestion in all of the 12 Step meetings I’ve attended throughout the years that newcomers should refrain from getting involved in any intimate relationships during their first year of recovery. That’s because of the fact that during the first year of anyone’s recovery, what’s being built within them is that defense against picking back up whatever the substance of their addiction is. So if the focus for the newcomer is mostly on building an intimate relationship, they never get the chance to find that connection to their Higher Power and often relapse quite quickly when things go haywire in their lives.

A few years ago, while I wasn’t a newcomer, I was one of those people who let a relationship come in front of my connection to God. I had become obsessed with an intimate relationship I was having with someone who was very toxic and wasn’t able to draw a sober breath on most days. Little by little, I had stopped praying, meditating, going to meetings, and hanging out with healthy people, all of which was weakening my defense against a relapse. And one day, after more than 14 years of sobriety, during a particularly stressful moment with this man, I grabbed a cold beer on a table in front of him and almost drank it. Thankfully I didn’t, but my connection to my Higher Power and my recovery was that weak that I almost did. Sadly, it took me several more years of treading water with temptation before I eliminated all of those toxic intimate relationships and focused on putting my Higher Power and my recovery first again.

Intimate relationships are probably the number one cause of people with short or long term sobriety, relapsing. It’s often due to them making those relationships be a higher priority then their Higher Power and their recovery. The longer they place that relationship first and their Higher Power and recovery second, not only will they eventually lose that relationship, they stand a good chance on losing themselves back into their disease of addiction.

If you are in a relationship right now and are either new to recovery, or been around for awhile, take a moment, breathe, and then ask yourself where your connection to your Higher Power and your recovery is on your priority scale. If most of your time is being dedicated to that relationship, and only a small amount of time is focused on your Higher Power and recovery, please realize you are putting yourself at risk for a relapse. Realign your priorities to make your Higher Power and your recovery be first in your life and know in doing so, you’ll have the best defense necessary to never relapse again.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Downfalls of Paparazzi And Gossip

Recently in the news I noticed an article that said British actor Benedict Cumberbatch was on the set of the BBC series Sherlock and held up a sign for the paparazzi camped outside. His sign read, “Go photograph Egypt and show the world something important.” While I’m not anyone famous at this point in my life, and a I don’t have any paparazzi following me around to know what it feels like, I have a pretty good idea and I can understand Benedict’s point that he was trying to make.

Doesn’t the world have more important things going on in it right now than following someone who people consider “famous”  just to get a headline that is often just the spreading of gossip or the reporting of potential news oddities about them? Unfortunately, there are many in this world who enjoy that gossip and it’s those people who thrive on the Paparazzi’s news.

One of the definitions of the word “gossip” that I found online is the “casual or unconstrained conversation or report about other people, usually involving details that are not confirmed as being true.” In much easier terms, gossip is often the exaggeration or complete fabrication of factual information about someone.

It’s hard to not miss some of these news headlines as they are everywhere these days. They talk about the latest celebrity relationships on the rocks. They talk about someone famous who’s just beginning a new romance. They talk about a star who is arrested and might have a potential alcohol or drug problem, or maybe even a mental imbalance. And of course, there’s even those many headlines these days about some famous person’s baby that is on the way or was just born.

Frankly, I don’t understand why so many people really care about this type of news. On the grand scheme of things, why do any of those things matter to people? Don’t we all have those same exact news going on around us all the time in our own lives with our friends and families? Why is it so important to see what’s possibly happening in the personal lives of all these famous people? Regardless of the reasons, I have noticed that for those people who like what the paparazzi report on, they are generally also guilty themselves of gossiping in their own lives. At one time in my life, I was guilty of this and did spread a lot of my own gossip. The more I think about it, I probably did pay a lot more attention in those periods of my life to the stuff the paparazzi was reporting on.

Thankfully, I am doing everything I can now, on every level, to not be a part of gossip. I have seen the destruction it creates. It often hurts and can destroy the lives of others. When I used to gossip, I would sensationalize something that I heard or saw and add my own spin to it. I did this for the sole purpose of trying to be the center of attention, or to avoid bringing any negative attention to the drama I had back then in my own life. Sadly, this moved me in the exact opposite direction from being a spiritually God-centered, and unconditionally loving person. And unfortunately there are too many people in this world who still thrive on gossip regardless of the potential of this happening within them. Because of this, I don’t think things such as the paparazzi, those news tabloids, or any of those reality shows about famous people are going away anytime soon. It wasn’t until I began to see how much I was hurting people when I spread gossip or even more importantly when I was on the receiving end of it, that I made the decision to start moving away from all forms of it.

If you really want to see this world become a better place to live in, there is one thing you can do, if you haven’t already. Stop reading, watching, spreading, or being a part of any type of gossip. Ignore the gossip the paparazzi reports on and what you might hear even closer to home from your friends or family. Whether or not there is factual based information in what you are seeing or hearing, it often hurts and destroys the people it’s about. Ask yourself what it might feel like, or what it has felt like, when any gossip is about you? It usually doesn’t feel very good and often evokes a lot of negative feelings inside. The one thing I do know is that if you remove yourself from all forms of gossip, then you and this world will become a lot brighter because of it. I know I did…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson