Month: November 2013

The Domino Effect Of Taking Control

When life feels most out of control as based upon the events unfolding around us, doesn’t it seem to be in our human nature to want to grasp some type of control any where we can find it? The problem in doing this though, is that it can create a chain reaction of others wanting to do the very same thing and I was able to see this very clearly the other night from my own actions.

This all began a few nights ago when I attended a men’s group for a self-empowerment type of organization I’ve been a part of since 1999. While I’m obviously not new to this organization, I am a new member to this group as I only started attending it two months earlier. When I arrived the other night, there were several men congregating in the kitchen of the church we meet at bi-weekly. Walking past them, I said hello and went into the room where the actual meeting takes place. As I sat in my seat and waited for the meeting to begin, the clock ticked past the meeting’s 7pm start time. I began to feel myself growing more and more irritated as each minute passed by that it wasn’t getting underway. Fifteen minutes later, the people from the kitchen strolled in and the meeting was able to begin. I could feel the anger seething within me because of it and what happened next was that domino effect of how my attempts at control caused others to want their own control.

For at least the first thirty minutes of that meeting, I held it hostage as I expressed my total dissatisfaction of how some men were waiting for the meeting to begin while the others were socializing in the kitchen. I spent a tremendous amount of energy attempting to discipline the group and create a platform for ensuring it starts the next time promptly at 7pm. What I didn’t realize was how much it was angering all those who had been a part of that group for years and that this was how they have always operated. But even more importantly, what I was completely oblivious to was the fact that I was attempting to exert control on this group for only one reason. That reason was directly related to the fact that I have felt very out of control in my life since my partner’s infidelity was brought to the surface just over a week ago.

So as I sat there and tried to change the meeting to fit my wants and needs, other men began to speak up out of irritation and anger because of it. One man even went so far as to say that he would leave the group if it was going to become as rigid as I was trying to make it. I can honestly say now that I don’t blame that man for feeling the way he did as he expressed his anger. Having been a member of that group for a very long time, he showed me in his own way how my attempts at control were not really about the group, they were more about what I was trying to avoid inside. You see, the whole time I held that group hostage and attempted to change and control it, I wasn’t focusing on the fact that my life has felt so very out of control since I discovered my partner’s indiscretion. Essentially, my efforts to control that group were merely my ego’s attempts to distract me from the pain I felt inside from his cheating on me. I basically took my lack of control in one situation and tried to replace it with control somewhere else. In the process of doing so, I took control away from others thus giving them a charge. This in turn motivated them to do exactly what I was doing, which was to take back control of their lives in some way.

This is why controlling anything doesn’t work. Doing so does nothing more than driving one person after another to seek control down the line somewhere else in their lives. And the end result for everyone involved is a world filled with a lot more anger and irritation and a lot less love and light.

I learned a very valuable lesson with all of this the other night and I’m grateful to God because of it. I know my ego right now feels like things are totally out of control because of not only my partner’s infidelity, but also because of my chronic physical pain. But I also know now in trying to grab control somewhere else in my life, that it will only end up causing someone else to have that same exact desire. Ending this domino effect begins with this awareness. The real work though is to make sure the next time the ego feels out of control that the only action taken is practicing acceptance…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“How Am I Going To Make It Through This???”

Last night I attended an AA meeting where a woman led it with a very distressful event currently taking place in her life. From what I gathered, a water main in her house had burst and been unable to be shut off for a considerable amount of time due to a domino effect of complications. Between having to throw away many belongings and being forced for the next few months to stay in a local hotel, she and her partner were quite overwhelmed. Because of this, she asked for the topic of the meeting to be on how people remain sane and sober through those big difficulties and tragedies that come in life.

Based upon her topic, it’s sad to say but up until a few years ago, I wouldn’t have had any experience, strength or hope to contribute to that meeting last night. As for over two decades, whenever any tragic thing took place in my life, I just numbed myself from dealing with it through some type of addiction. And when you spend over two decades of your life numbing yourself from just about everything and anything, it’s pretty shocking to the system when you start walking through a tragedy without any type of crutch. It really is true what people say though in that it gets easier the more you practice doing it, and the more I’ve done it, the more I’ve learned some valuable lessons that have helped me to remain sane and sober through even the worst things that can happen in life.

The first lesson I learned is that no matter how bad one’s tragedy ever is, something good will ALWAYS come of it. Being molested, my father’s suicide, my mother’s terminal fall down the stairs, the breakup of a long-term relationship, and the short sale of the bed and breakfast I once owned have all, in their own way, eventually led me to a much happier and healthier life. Take the case of that breakup from a former partner and that short sale of the bed and breakfast as an example. At the time I was losing either of them, I also had no recovery, no real friends, felt completely empty and alone, and didn’t love myself at all. All of that forced me to seek out help, which I did through the rooms or Alcoholics Anonymous and therapy. Today, I can look back and see how both that ex-partner and that bed and breakfast weren’t healthy for me, but at the time I was losing them, it actually felt as if it were the end of the world. And now I have a very strong recovery, some solid friends, I don’t feel completely empty and alone anymore, and I love myself so much more. I know it’s hard to see how anything good will ever come of something so tragic when we’re going through it. But I’ve learned that if I walk through that darkness, there is a wonderful and beautiful clearing on the other side as long as I don’t numb myself through its healing process.

A second and just as important lesson I learned is to be as grateful as possible for what I still have while going through any of life’s calamities. I do my best today to look for everything I can have gratitude for when I’m in the middle of that darkness that comes in life’s greatest challenges. A good example of this is how I am dealing with the latest difficulty in my life, that being my partner’s infidelity. I am extremely grateful that he has the willingness to work through this and has also admitted his wrong. He has taken some serious steps to getting the help he needs and showing me he wants this to still work. I know if I choose to focus in on the negative side of this experience, it will get me nowhere in the healing process and instead will keep me in the victim role. Thus, staying grateful and looking for what I still have will make things a lot easier to get through it.

A final lesson I learned is to get out of myself and help someone else during any of life’s greatest challenges. Doing that has always led me to feeling so much better. Ironically, I believe that God has us go through these difficult life experiences so that we may grow stronger and help someone else get through them down the road. So now when I’m actively going through one of these misfortunes, I get out of myself by doing something like going to a meeting and sharing some of my experience, strength, and hope about one of the previous ones I’ve found healing from already.

I can assure you that each of these lessons can and will help you get through any of life’s tribulations. So if something as tragic as your house completely flooding should occur, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and know that something good will come of this. In that woman’s case who led the AA meeting, thankfully she did have insurance which is covering everything. Who knows, maybe their repairs of her house will fix something that could have become an even greater tragedy? And hopefully she can see that the free hotel stay for two months is a luxury and not a curse. But most importantly, I know she’ll find those two months going by much quicker until she gets back in her home, by reaching out and helping others through tragedies she’s already healed from in life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Solomon Northrup And 12 Years A Slave

Every now and then a movie will come along that really gives me great sadness when it depicts how poorly people have treated each other in this world throughout its history. This was especially true of 12 Years A Slave when I saw it the other day in the theater.

Based upon the true story of a man named Solomon Northrup, who was a free black man kidnapped and sold into slavery on a visit to Washington, D.C. in 1841, 12 Years A Slave was very painful to watch. While I studied rather intensely the history of the black culture in the United States through several courses in college, never did I see back then such a realistic depiction of the horrors that came with slavery as I did in this movie. The film was so superbly directed by Steve McQueen and acted by Chiwetel Ejiofor playing Solomon, that it made it one of those rare movies where I felt as if I were watching a documentary.

While Northrup was one of the few people who escaped a life of slavery and lived to tell about it, 12 Years A Slave showed how so many others never did. As I watched the movie, I was truly horrified at the beatings, rapes, and gross mistreatments that black men and women went through during those days. It depicted a period in United States history that I find to be rather shameful on our part. Watching some of those horrific beatings and rapes take place made me feel sick to my stomach at how people of the same color as me once thought that this was acceptable. Not too long ago in this country, black men and women were thought of and treated as animals even though they had hearts and souls just like me. It baffles me how the hearts of these slave owners were so cold and ruthless as they beat their slaves senseless, constantly used the “N” word, and kept all of them so deeply oppressed. Thankfully, our country woke up and abolished slavery, but the sad reality is that minorities, like blacks, still aren’t being treated equally in this country.

How many times do you think minority based people are on the receiving end of police brutality these days?

How many times do you think minority based people are refused service at various places of business these days?

How many times do you think minority based people are passed over for promotions even though they were more than qualified these days?

The answer to each of them is a lot more than you think.

While America may have evolved to a country being run by a black man, there are still tremendous examples of gross mistreatment of minorities going on all around us every single day. We may not have slavery anymore, but many Caucasians still do their best to oppress minorities, like black men and women. Many Caucasians still try to retain some status of being the dominant race in this country. But in all reality, we are all equal. We always were in God’s eyes, but the fear of many white men and women led them away from that to practicing things such as slavery.

I’m thankful today I’m doing my best to treat EVERYONE equally no matter what their race, sex, age, disability, language, nationality, religion, or sexual orientation. I wish that could be said true for everyone else in this world, but many are still living in the shadows and darkness where they don’t treat minorities equally. Hopefully, movies like 12 Years a Slave will do a lot more than just entertain people. Maybe it will help to move the hearts of many of those still practicing racism and start leading them far away from any of that type of behavior.

Regardless, I’m just grateful that I don’t try to oppress people like the slave owners once did. I’m also grateful that God has given me a compassionate heart for all types of people. The bottom line is that there is no difference between any of us in this world when it comes right down to it. We all are brothers and sisters to each other as well as children of God. We all have have hearts and souls worthy and deserving of giving and receiving love equally to each other. And if you are practicing anything else in your life than this, then you are no different than some of those slave owners who were depicted in 12 Years a Slave…Now that’s some food for thought isn’t it?

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson