Month: December 2013

I believe everyone deep down in this world wants to feel desired by another in their lifetime. Ultimately, I have always thought that this is the main driving force why two people start dating and eventually become an item. Sadly though, what happens all too often with those couples is that their desire starts to wane for each other somewhere down the road. And the sole reason why this ever happens is that one or both of them begins making less of an effort to show their desire for the other as they once did.

When two people meet and begin dating, there’s an electricity that starts surging through that new connection when the two find out they like each other. That electricity feels quite a bit like having an over abundance of energy and it often drives each person in that new connection to make a tremendous effort to show their desire for one another. Some call this the romance phase, others may call it a courting phase, but it’s during this time that their desire for each other is shown quite regularly. I want to be sure I say this right off the bat that the desire I’m referring to at this time is not necessarily about sex either. What I’m really talking about are those surprise gifts that are often exchanged, the long phone calls that are often had, the constant attention and affection that is often given, and the winks, the holding of hands and the sense of touch that is often shared. All of these things are at a very high level during the first phase of most new relationships. Unfortunately though, these things have the tendency to not last long for many couples. That’s because their behaviors often change, and not for the better either, once that electricity starts to wear off and the over abundance of energy begins to level out.

So when that initial romance and courting phase of a relationship is over, it’s then that many will become settled in their relationship and stop placing consistent effort to show how much they still desire their partner. That leads to those surprise gifts for each other happening less and less, those long phone calls with each other becoming shorter and shorter, that attention and affection being shown to each other in tinier and tinier amounts, and those winks, the holding of hands, and that sense of touch occurring more and more infrequently.

Inevitably, all of this leads the person feeling less desired to question their other half on why they aren’t receiving the attention they once used to get from them. There is a downside of that action though in that it usually is met with a self defense reaction from their partner. What I mean by that is the other partner often defends themselves by saying nothing’s changed and they still feel the same about them. They’ll further state that they still love them, and that it should be enough if they are in the same house together, or on the same couch near each other, or sleeping in the same bed next to each other. If this questioning happens repeatedly, the one partner who’s being questioned will begin to feel like they can’t do anything right and that’s when anger can become a common emotion within them. If they stay angry, instead of looking at how they can bring back some of the desire they once showed the other person, it will only lead them to pull even further back from showing it.

The other partner on the other hand, the one who is feeling less and less desired, is going to grow tired of trying to ask for it. If they choose to stay in that relationship, even when the other partner seems to be making no changes for the better, they will frequently search for something else to fill that void. The sad thing is that this is when those people can become seriously addicted to various things such as alcohol, drugs, porn, overeating, over-shopping, and smoking. Eventually though, one of two things will ultimately happen to every one of the relationships that get to this stage.

The first and more likely to happen is total infidelity. The partner who wants to feel desired again often cheats on the other just to feel desired again. The other partner who is constantly being accused of not showing it enough often cheats as a way of getting back at their partner for constantly nagging them about what they’re not doing right. But what they are really both doing in this action is self-sabotaging it because they aren’t willing to work together to bring the desire back. And it’s that action that will lead to the second thing, the complete demise of their relationship, where one or both believe it’s better to be single and start over. The sad thing is that this pattern usually just repeats itself again in future relationships.

I have a lot of experience with this topic as I’ve been on both the receiving end of partners showing me less and less desire, and on the giving end of me offering less and less of it as well. To put it bluntly, it sucks being on the receiving end of it, especially when I’ve still tried to demonstrate the same level of desire for a partner since the beginning. Being in that position always made me feel like I was being used and taken advantage of. And for all the other times where I was on the side of the coin, it was usually because I took my partner for granted and placed my desire into things I thought was more deserving of it. All in all though, I really was just being selfish and self-centered when I did that.

Today, I believe the only solution to preventing this downward spiral of desire is to put my partner’s needs ahead of my own. In doing so, that’s when it becomes natural for me to want to show my desire for my partner through all those special and unique ways without being asked. Granted, I’ve learned it takes more work in a relationship to show this when that initial electricity and overabundance of energy calms down. But, since my goal is to have a lifelong monogamous relationship with my partner, it’s clear how important it is to keep this up long after that romance and courting phase ends and really indefinitely.

So the next time you find yourself in a relationship being asked by your partner to show them more desire, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and try to remember those things you once did during that romance and courting phase of your relationship. If you’re not regularly doing those things anymore and want to see this relationship last, you might want to put more effort back into doing them again before you find yourself single and alone. But if you happen to be the one who is not feeling desired anymore by your partner and you’ve already exhausted many efforts to try to rekindle it, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and realize it may be time to move on to someone else who can show you the desire that God knows you deserve…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Are you a cheapskate? Do people think of you as stingy? I know I was, solely because so many used to tell me so. But there were other terms that might have fit better and “Freddy The Freeloader” would probably be my favorite.

Have you ever had someone in your life that would only seem to be available to go out and do something that cost money when you were paying?

That’s Freddy The Freeloader.

Have you ever noticed how that same person always has the money to do things for themselves though?

That’s Freddy The Freeloader.

Have you ever noticed how that person fails to ask if you want anything when they are going to get themselves something to eat or drink?

That’s Freddy The Freeloader.

Have you ever noticed how you can treat that same person to many coffees and meals but you have to ask to receive even one coffee or meal from them in return?

That’s Freddy The Freeloader. And all of these examples are how I lived my life for a very long time.

When I used to live paycheck to paycheck and didn’t have much money to my name, I hoarded what money I had. I rarely, if ever, took anyone out for anything. I justified that principle through my lack of money, even though I really did have enough to do small things here and there for others. Instead, I protected what money I had and used it solely on things for myself. But I sure was quick to allow others during those times to treat me to coffees, dinners, movies, and even vacations as soon as they said they would pay. I would graciously say thank you afterwards and then go right back to a state of stinginess. For the numerous times that people did things for me that cost them rather expensive amounts of money, I would always tell myself I didn’t have a few bucks to buy them a single thing.

I lived my life this way the whole time I survived paycheck to paycheck. Ironically though when I began to come into greater sums of money in my life, none of this behavior changed. I remained that Freddy The Freeloader character and still claimed that I didn’t have enough money on too many occasions. I continued to expect others to pay for me or I just wouldn’t go participate in things with others that cost me money. I remained cheap and rarely offered to treat anyone to anything and even if I did, there was usually an angle to it.

The worst part about me being the Freddy The Freeloader character was that I always had enough money to do what I wanted to do with it and I didn’t hide that fact. Many saw how I took myself out to the places I wanted to and even treated certain people to things because I was wanting things from them like sex or companionship. But the idea of me just doing something nice for someone without being asked and without any hidden agenda was next to nonexistent.

I’ve realized today that any money I have is really not my money, it’s my Higher Power’s money. When I die, none of that money is going to go with me wherever I go. While I do know it’s important to make sure my bills and monthly obligations are being paid, I try to share what money I have left over these days. I am trying more and more to ask God to guide me in my use of money for a better purpose. Sometimes it involves randomly treating friends and even strangers to things at various places. Sometimes it involves buying a gift for someone just for the sake of it. And sometimes it involves donating it for the greater good. What’s even more interesting is that the more I’ve done these things, the more my Higher Power seems to provide me the money I need to keep going.  But all in all, I have done a lot to shed that Freddy The Freeloader image and I thank my Higher Power for that.

I truly hope you’re not a Freddy The Freeloader type of person like I once was. It only drives people away from wanting to be around you. I lost many friends because of being tight in all the wrong situations and places. So the next time you find yourself with a few dollars in your pocket, take a moment, breathe, and try to do something nice for someone else with it, without any hidden agenda, and without them having to ask you for it. Know in doing so that you’ll not only draw your friends in closer, but that you’ll also be taking one step into the Light and one more away from being the selfish and self-centered person that Freddy The Freeloader really is inside.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson