Month: February 2014

The Plight Of A Functioning Addict

On some level, I believe everyone has some form of an addiction. While many like myself have taken steps to face this reality, the sad truth is that not everyone does. But, an even more dangerous place to be in, is when a person isn’t even aware at all they are addicted to something.

For clarification purposes only, an addiction is an over-dependence on a particular substance, thing, or activity and there are infinite numbers of them on this planet that a person can become hooked on. They range from alcohol and drugs, to hoarding items, to consuming chocolate or ice cream or chips, to working out, to cleaning, to gambling, to having sex, to falling in love, to buying clothes, and well you get the point.

I should know because I’ve discovered and become a slave to many of them. There was a time though where I wasn’t even aware of it. During those days, I spent my life becoming consumed by each of them, except I still managed to earn a living, to maintain my friendships, to keep my appointments, and to live a normal semblance of life. At some inevitable point though, the addiction always took over where it became my first and foremost concern in life. That was when I began to truly see that I was addicted to whatever it was at the time. Unfortunately, the damage is already done by then, and that’s why addictions can be so deadly.

Recently, I met an acquaintance of my partner who was completely unaware of his own sexual addiction. During a 45-minute conversation, 80% of it was focused solely on his sexual escapades. In fact, it started from the onset when my partner and I randomly stopped by his house to say hello given that we were in his neighborhood. One of the first things he said to us upon opening his front door was that he initially thought the knock on it was from one of his weekly sexual rendezvous’. By the time we left, I learned more about this man’s history of having orgies, going to rest stops and xxx stores, and placing sexual ads out on craigslist, then I wanted to. The strange part about it all was how comfortable he was in talking about it. When I had asked him about whether he ever desired to have a monogamous partner, he basically told me that probably would never happen because of how much he enjoys his random sexual encounters.

From all appearances, this man’s life has been functioning just fine for years doing what he’s doing. What he doesn’t realize though, is that there will come a day when it won’t. And when that day arrives, he may not even attribute what’s happening to him as a direct result of living in this addiction for so long.

People, who become addicted to something such as sex, don’t realize the poisonous seeds that are being planted within them each time they engage in their addiction. It’s easy to correlate something such as getting some type of cancer when a person has been smoking for years with no problems. But there are some addictions that a person can function in for great lengths of time with no problems, and even when some appear, it’s hard to correlate a connection. Many rarely think of anxiety, depression, and chronic physical pain issues as the result of an addiction. The truth is, they can be the end result of them just as much as cancer can be for a chronic smoker or becoming completely in debt from gambling.

I’m very thankful that all the addictions I’ve been a prisoner to are all now in remission and I believe they will remain that way as long as I keep my devotion to serving God. Today, some might say though that I still have one addiction active, and that’s to God. I can’t disagree with them on that notion, but what I can say is that if this is an addiction, it seems to be reversing all the damage the other ones did to me throughout the years. I take that as a good sign that it’s ok to live with this one for the rest of my life.

So if you should ever find yourself being questioned by others because of some over-dependence they think you have on a particular substance, thing, or activity; unless it’s to God, you may want to take it as a warning sign. You may have become a functioning addict on some level. If you choose to ignore this, please understand that it will only end up leading you to damaging more of your mind, body, and soul. But face it now, and there’s a good chance that you will find complete recovery from it and be able to live out a much happier and spiritual based life down the road.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Unhealthiness Of A Codependent Friendship

Upon first glance, I know that the idea of two best friends hanging out all the time with each may seem beautiful. But when one of them develops romantic feelings for the other, while the other knows they never will, it creates a serious imbalance within that connection. What makes matters even worse for that connection is when the person who doesn’t feel that romantic incline is also codependent and doesn’t like to be alone.

I spent four years of my life dealing with this very thing, and in the long run, it only caused great pain and strife, especially for that person who fell in love with me. Recently, I met two friends whose connection with each other is strikingly similar to the one I had for those four years. They like to spend the majority of their free time alone with each other. They have a movie night together at least once a week. They always do their grocery shopping together on Saturdays. They often cook meals for each other and have those intimate dinners. And there’s a lot more they like to do platonically with each other as well. While all of this may seem harmless, it’s that underlying codependency that creates the imbalance in this type of relationship.

In my case, for the longest time I never wanted to be alone. When I met someone who felt the same and shared similar interests, I quickly latched on. We were initially inseparable, spending the majority of our free moments with each other. I truly treasured this relationship and its closeness. What I didn’t know was that this friend was falling in love with me the whole time. By the time I did, they had become completely smitten with me. At that point, I had become overly dependent on them for various reasons that included my loneliness and state of mental and emotional health.

For a time, none of that seemed to matter and the both of us were like two peas in a pod. The friend who was so taken with me said it was better to have a close friendship with me then nothing at all. And of course, I agreed because deep down I was so insecure and didn’t want to lose all the focus and attention they gave me. But then other friends starting coming into my life where each shifted my attention away from this friend. Some of those new friends included romantic and sexual interests. When each of them began taking some of that regular time away from being with this friend, the imbalances of this codependent connection began to rear their ugly head.

Constant arguing, guilt trips, jealousy, self-pity, anxiety, depression, and even rage all started fueling that relationship. I made matters even worse by eventually trying to force myself to be sexual with that friend who was in love with me. I thought somehow it might make me feel the same way as they did. All that did was reconfirm that I didn’t feel that at all and probably never would. The result of all of those codependent behaviors was a complete imploding to that connection and now I have no ties to that former best friend at all.

There are days that I still wish somehow we could be friends because I remember how good it was early on between the two of us. But I also remember all too well those many anger-filled days where the two of us fought like cats and dogs. That alone, along with being much freer of codependent behaviors these days prevents me from ever going back.

I thank God for helping me to have great compassion today for anyone who ends up being in this type of codependent relationship. I learned an important lesson in life and saw how hard it was to break free from them. I gained the understanding that I was always in them because of my own deep insecurities inside. While I may have loved this former friend on a soul perspective, and still do today, it’s the unspiritual way that connection was built, that made it fragile and weak. Because it wasn’t formed on spiritual principles, it never had the legs to last an eternity.

It’s my hope that my two new friends, who are currently engaging in this type of codependent relationship, will see all of this sooner than later. I want to save them the pain and hardship that I know both my former friend and myself went through as our connection dissolved permanently. But like everything else in this world, sometimes we just have to go through those painful things on our own to figure it out.

So if you should ever find yourself in this type of relationship, I hope you will understand now that there really is a high level of unhealthiness to it. If you truly care about each other, you may want to take more time apart than together, so that things don’t fall apart when others come into the picture down the road. Trust that God will sustain your relationship if it’s meant to, and please know that the two most important relationships to work on in life are the ones you develop with God and yourself…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Call Me Before You Pick Back Up!”

“CALL ME BEFORE YOU PICK BACK UP!”

This is a common statement that most sponsors and people who have some time in recovery will say to a newcomer in any of the 12-Step programs. Unfortunately, it’s rarely done. Instead, what happens all too often is the exact opposite.

For any individual who is on the fence with the idea of relapsing back into their addiction, it’s sad to say, but in most cases, they’ve already gone ahead and done it in their minds. And the time it takes for them to follow through with the physical action of doing it isn’t far behind.

So why is this?

It’s actually quite simple. They haven’t had enough pain yet.

As Bill Wilson once said it, pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. When a person starts to find recovery from whatever their addiction is, it’s usually because they are already in great pain from doing it. The real scary part for them though is when that pain begins to feel even greater as they start their step work with their sponsor. Doing step work is no different than any other toxin or poison removal based process. As that person gets into the meat and guts of the steps, those toxins and poisons begin seeping out. When this happens, it can create the illusion that the pain is far worse than when they were using their addiction as a crutch. But what they don’t realize is that all the pain they’re feeling is coming from the healing process.

It’s really unfortunate how many give up at this stage. Instead of calling their sponsor for help and guidance, they begin to think about using their addiction to deal with this perception of increased pain. And as I said earlier, when a person reaches this stage in their mind, most will go back out.

I have found the only thing that has kept me from relapsing back into any of my addictions is a much closer relationship to God. The original twelve steps that Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith created was geared for this specific reason. They mentioned God in six of the twelve steps, as they understood long ago that there was no human power than could ever prevent a person from relapsing.

So in many ways, telling a newcomer to call if they’re thinking about picking back up can really just be lip-sync. While it does offer support to them on some level, a better approach is to begin working immediately on helping that newcomer grow closer to their Higher Power. As it truly is that Higher Power who will be able to prevent them from picking back up. And it’s only that Higher Power, and not a phone call to anyone in recovery, that will ultimately give them enough strength to working through all of their pain, once and for all.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson