Month: April 2014

It’s Not A Choice!

One of the first things I generally hear from those who hold an anti-homosexual stance in life is that it’s a choice people make to be gay. Sadly, there is a world of ignorance surrounding this stance.

First and foremost, it’s important to note that there are some people out there in this world who are truly bi-sexual. For them it really can be a choice on which sex they choose to be with. I must admit that if I were bi-sexual, I would probably choose to be with a woman because of the wide prejudice that still exists toward gay people.

Secondly, I also need to state that there are some individuals who do engage in homosexual relationships and behaviors because of deep-seated mental and emotional issues and traumas. I have seen this especially with those who have endured incest, molestation, and rape during there adolescent years. I once knew of a man who was extremely attracted to women, except a priest molested him very early on in life. While he did his best to maintain his marriage and raise a family of several children, a part of him continued to relive that molestation by re-creating the same experience with other men secretly throughout life. But there are plenty of other individuals in this world who are just like me, that were born with an attraction to the same sex and where it’s actually not a choice.

The earliest memory I have of my homosexuality was when I was walking around my Kindergarten class at five years old and shouting “I love boys” over and over again. While I can’t remember for the love of God why I was motivated to do that, I can still clearly see myself doing it. Not too long after that, in third grade, I remember a time when another class came into my own to watch a presentation. During it, I stared at another boy from that class almost the entire time. By the time I hit the fifth grade, I had met my father’s best friend whom he played racquetball with regularly. During the summers, we attended pool parties at his house and I found myself on one of those occasions changing in the same room as him. While I remember looking at him and being nervous he would catch me staring, I really didn’t want to look away.

Eventually, I hit puberty and began to pay even more attention to the guys I found attractive. I did my best to fit in with everyone else though because I saw in society that a man was supposed to be with a woman. So I began doing just that by causally going out on a movie date with a girl my own age. Unbeknownst to her, I was more interested though in spending time with an adult male diving coach on my swim team. I spent many occasions after practice talking to and admiring him. Unfortunately, the same man took advantage of me one day when we were alone by molesting me. This regrettably became my first same sex experience which did nothing but drive me further into the closet with an unhealthy idea of what intimacy was all about.

After an unsuccessful attempt to come out to my parents towards the end of high school, I went on to date many other women because that is what I was told I was supposed to do. I forced myself to be intimate with women and never felt much of a connection with any of them. In many ways, the sexual intimacy I had with a woman felt no different than when I was molested. It was rather empty and void of any real loving connection. Thankfully, I met someone in college who also was struggling with his sexuality. My relationship with him began to help me see I wasn’t so abnormal.

When I finally got sober from alcohol and drugs, I went into therapy to discuss my sexuality because I wanted to figure out whom I really was inside. I joined a gay bowling league and went to various gay-based social outings and through them I met my first partner. It was then I fully came out of the closet and accepted that my being gay was truly not a choice.

Being gay was something that was a part of me from as early on as I can remember. It was something that I avoided for years and years because of the people in society who held those anti-gay stances. Thankfully, I’m not afraid anymore to be open about my sexuality. I believe that God created me this way, not to maintain a vow of celibacy, but to be with one man who I can love with all my heart, mind, and soul. I accept who I am now and I know it’s not a choice. I’m just grateful I’m able to understand this today.

I want to finish this entry by stating something I’ve come learn from not only myself, but from many other gay people as well. If we truly had a choice in life, why would we want to choose to be gay when there is still so much persecution of us, where we still have to hide who we are more than not, and where we still have to fight to get equal rights? But alas, it’s not a choice; it’s just who we are and how God made us. I’m thankful I can accept that today, and I hope someday you will too…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Trouble With The 4th Step

I’ve seen more people relapse back into their addictions doing their work on the 4th Step than any of the other work that comes from doing the 12 Steps. Often it seems to become that Achilles heal for so many individuals hoping to find a better way of life in recovery. The trouble with the 4th Step is simply this, it involves a lot of writing that essentially forces a person to hold up the mirror and take a much harder look at themselves and the life they’ve been living.

By the time someone finds 12 Step recovery, that mirror is usually broken just as much as the person is from their addiction based life. It’s probably been a while since they have even taken a hard, long, look at themselves in any mirror for that matter. Common characteristics within each of them regularly include low self-esteem, sadness, high anger and resentments, and a ton of fear. As they begin to navigate through early recovery, most will find a sponsor, make some friends, join a group, and start doing the work on the first three steps. Compared to the terrible lows they experienced in the final days, weeks, and even months of their addiction, life at this point often seems a whole lot better. Many refer to this period as the pink cloud stage. But then comes that dreaded 4th Step.

The work that’s done in the 4th Step is challenging because it re-opens things that have been closed off or buried deeply within people for years. On some level, it can feel as if a person is reliving past pains, wounds, and traumas. Suddenly that pink cloud phase completely disappears and the person is thrust into many of the same feelings they experienced daily during their days of active addiction. This especially comes true during the portion of the 4th Step when a person does the turnarounds on each of their resentments. It’s when they have to see how they were selfish, self-centered, dishonest, or fear-based in each of them. In other words, they get to see how they were the cause of all of them. Add in the parts of the 4th Step work that deal with the fear and sex inventories, and many very quickly find their ego telling them that how much better they felt during their active addiction days.

The first time I did a full 4th Step, I remember feeling angry more than not. I also remember how sensitive I was to everyone around me, and everything people said to me. I constantly wanted to quit and go back to alcohol and drugs to numb the imbalance I felt inside. I snapped at people daily because of it. I threw my step work notebook across the room a bunch of times. I also second-guessed the process with my sponsor constantly, but through prayer and strength from my Higher Power, I continued to trudge through it. By the time I finished my 4th Step, some of those pink clouds reappeared in the form of feeling relief and accomplishment. And what I didn’t know was how much poison was able to come out of me from doing all that work.

Looking back many years later, I realize now why so many people have trouble with the 4th Step. Many don’t want to face the damage and destruction they’ve done to themselves or anyone else. They don’t want to feel the anger, irritability, sadness, and fear that can come up when doing the work. Instead, it becomes easier for far too many to just to give up and relapse back into their addiction.

I thank God that I never did.

No one told me that the work on the 4th Step was going to be easy and truthfully it was everything but. And while my work on it was arduous and difficult in every way, it was well worth it and crucial to my recovery.

So if you find yourself at that dreaded 4th Step and find your life feeling unmanageable again, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and know those feelings are only temporary. Keep doing the work and get through this critical step and I can promise you that you’ll feel a whole lot better and even more importantly, your stand a lot less of a chance of relapsing as well.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Families And Loved Ones Of Recovering Alcoholics And Drug Addicts

I often hear people get upset in recovery meetings when they share about how their family and loved ones are not embracing them, even though they’ve been quite sober from their former alcohol and/or drug addictions for a while. Why that happens can actually be due to a number of reasons.

First and foremost, alcoholics and drug addicts have probably done many countless things that hurt those around them, especially family and loved ones. Those pains and wounds don’t just go away after a short period of time where a person remains clean and sober. Case in point, it took a friend of mine in recovery two years of remaining that way from alcohol and drugs before his family finally welcomed him back with open arms. Often, as it was in his case, there was one relapse after another time and time again with many false promises that each time was the last. Gaining trust back from loved ones usually takes at least a year, if not more, of continuous sobriety to see any major changes for the better. For some, it could even take many more years if the damage done by them was much greater. Sadly, I have even heard of some who never were embraced again by members of their family or loved ones because of the destruction created from their alcohol or drug addiction.

Another reason why families and loved ones often struggle to embrace a recovering alcoholic or drug addict can be understood through a silly slogan I heard long ago in an AA meeting.

“Just because the “alcohol” is removed from the alcoholic, there still remains the “ic” within them.”

Ending the process of consuming alcohol or taking drugs is just the beginning of a person’s recovery. Unfortunately, for someone like I once was, many can become “dry drunks” or “dry addicts”. What that means is that they still demonstrate their toxic behaviors that are no different from when they were active in their alcohol or drug addiction. I spent 12 years almost entirely this way being consumed in selfishness, self-centeredness, dishonesty, and fear. The point of 12-Step recovery is to remove all of that “ic” and toxicity by working those steps. I avoided doing that for years and watched as my family and loved ones continued to keep their distance from me.

There is still one more reason I’d like to bring up as to why families and loved ones may not embrace a person who has been clean and sober for a while. It is somewhat tied to the second reason I’ve shared already but warrants further attention. Many recovering alcoholics and drug addicts pick up other addictions after gaining various lengths of sobriety. Some start consuming caffeine in large amounts, which just creates constant mood swings. Others chase after people to have sex with and become addicted to that. There are those who start gambling and find comfort in that compulsion. I’ve seen many pick up cigarettes or start chain-smoking way beyond their casual smoking days in the past. I’ve even watched as people start seeking comfort in food, shopping, and so many other things where each becomes an addiction in itself. And what happens then is they become the exact same person they were during their active drinking and drugging days.

What the family afterwards is truly seeking from the recovering alcoholic or drug addict is unconditional love and time to heal. Those wounds can heal and forgiveness can happen, but it takes time, patience, and prayer on both parts. My sister and I are just beginning to bond again with each other and I have almost 19 years of continuous sobriety from alcohol and drugs! I realized a few years ago that I needed to remove all addictions out of my life and seek a much closer relationship to the God of my understanding for my sister and any other loved ones to embrace me fully again. I’m finding that’s now happening but it took a lot of hard work.

So if you are a former alcoholic or drug addict who’s struggling to be embraced by your family or loved ones, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and have a closer look at your life. Has not much time passed since you’ve been clean and sober? Are you still demonstrating old behaviors on any level? Have you succumbed to any other addictions? If you can answer yes to any of these, you may want to address them immediately. Until you do, your family most likely is not going to embrace you with open arms. But if you do, there’s a good chance they will, and you’ll probably end up feeling much brighter in life because of it.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson