Month: July 2014

Lately, it seems as if the topic of monogamy has been coming up in the conversations I’ve been having with others. I’m also noticing that when it has, the definition of monogamy seems to differ for each and every individual. In my case, I’ve come to believe the definition of one’s monogamy is directly related to their spirituality.

According to the dictionary, the definition of monogamy is “The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.” While that may seem like a pretty cut and dry definition, I allowed my ego to tell me over the course of three monogamous relationships that it was open for much greater interpretation. As my spirituality has evolved though, so has my understanding of what monogamy really means.

The first time I was in a monogamous relationship was from the winter of 1995 to the winter of 1997. During that time my Higher Power was far from in charge of guiding my life. In fact, my addictions were. When the newness of that relationship wore off, in other words “the romance phase”, I began looking for a “fix” elsewhere. I made fast friendships with those I was attracted to and poured my heart out to many of them when things weren’t going well in my relationship. I flirted with them as well, and even went so far as sexually hitting on them without crossing the physical barrier. In my mind, this was completely harmless given that I hadn’t done any physical contact with any of them. Eventually, that relationship crumbled when I broke up for one of those friends I had been lusting over.

The second time I was in a monogamous relationship was from the summer of 1998 to the spring of 2000. During that time, my Higher Power had a slightly larger percentage of guiding my life. I had found a place of worship and regularly attended it at the time. I also joined a spiritual men’s organization to help me grow. But like before, when the newness wore off of that relationship, I started watching porn on the Internet, I went out to bars and flirted with others, and I started bringing back into my life various people I lusted over. Once again, I thought it was completely harmless given there was no physical contact with anyone. And just like my first relationship, this one eventually crumbled too with me breaking up to go be with another friend I was lusting over.

The third time I landed in a monogamous relationship was one I thought would never end. It began late in the summer of 2000 right around the same time I discovered the power of prayer and meditation. Also at that time, I stepped up my activity in that spiritual men’s group, with my therapy visits, as well as going to a new place of worship that I became a Deacon at. When that initial gushy-gushy phase ended, I made a choice to stick with the spiritual things that were working for me and I found my love growing even deeper for that partner. Several years went by where I fully believed I’d spend my life with that partner. But everything changed when we bought a business together in a remote area that took me away from almost all of the spiritual work I was doing on a daily basis. Within a short period of time, I started relying less on my Higher Power to guide my life, and more on myself. Sadly, that’s when I started going back to my old behaviors of having flirtatious friendships with others I was attracted to, of staring at porn for hours on end, and gratifying myself with many fantasies of other people who weren’t my partner. In the spring of 2007, I left that partner for the same reason why I left the previous two, to sleep with one of the friends I had lusted over.

I’d go on and date several others over the course of the next 5 years. With each of them though, I drifted completely away from even the cut and dry definition the dictionary gives of monogamy. The only reason why is that I allowed my addiction filled life to take complete control and with it came a very strong ego that did what it wanted and had justifications for everything. One of those told me that because the person lived long distance I could occupy my time in between seeing them with whatever sexual things I wanted to do.

In the spring of 2012, this warped personal definition of monogamy would completely change. At that time, I gave my entire will and life over to my Higher Power and since then, I truly have. I spend several hours each day now doing my own tailored spiritual routine, and I also ask my Higher Power every morning to guide ALL of my thoughts words, and actions.

I have a new monogamous relationship again and my spirit has been very clear on what the definition of monogamy needs to be. It doesn’t fall under “when the partner’s away, I can play.” Neither does it fall under “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” Being monogamous means being with my partner mind, body, and soul. In other words, no porn, no friendships I’m lusting over or flirting with, no sexual fantasizing of others, no online or on the phone sex chats, and no going to bars alone either.

While everyone probably has his or her own definition of what monogamy is, my Higher Power has clearly shown me in my spirit over the years what it wasn’t. I know as long as I keep placing my Higher Power first in my life, I’ll be able to stay away from those things my ego once said were ok. In doing so, I’m positive I’ll remain monogamous, as I allow my spirit to continuing defining it for me from now on…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Have you ever dreamed so big that you wondered whether it might be too lofty and impossible to obtain? I have, but I also believe in that age-old saying, “If you build it, they will come.” The only difficulty I’ve had in continuing to believe that though deals with how my ego keeps getting in the way, but more on that in a bit.

It’s definitely true that my dream is pretty big and it’s something I’ve been slowly working on for the past 18 months. That dream is to eventually have millions of people following and healing from my words I write daily in this spiritual blog, www.thetwelfthstep.com. Whether that ever happens or not is truly up to God, as I know the most I can do is what I’m already doing, and that’s to keep on writing.

Writing is without a doubt one of my greatest passions in life right now. I consistently feel so much better after composing any one of these articles. It makes me feel like I’m actually accomplishing something in life, especially at the moment, because it’s really the only job I have. And although this job is not paying me financially in any way, I continue to do it solely for my love of writing and for my dream with it.

I’ve always been told to dream big because doing so acts can act as a motivational tool. In my case, it certainly has. Writing each and every day for the past year and half has definitely pushed me beyond my limits and motivated me on a daily basis. What began as just a homework assignment to journal a few of my spiritual walks in life has turned into something so much larger, one I’m still unsure of where’s it fully heading.

Quite often I find myself getting frustrated though at the fact the statistics on my blog are showing very little traffic. My spiritual teacher consistently has to remind me that while it’s good to have my dream, my focus should be on continuing to write from my heart and not for my ego.

She’s right you know. Every time my frustration has arisen, it’s always been related to my ego wanting to be recognized for all the hard work I’ve been putting into this blog. But why do I need to be recognized? The fact is I don’t. I didn’t begin this blog for that reason and I haven’t written hundreds of thousands of words just to become someone important in this world. I’ve written all of them because it’s been helping me to heal from a life of spiritual sickness. While I don’t believe it’s being egotistical to have the dream I do, writing for that reason alone positively would be.

So do I still hope for my dream to come true one day with this spiritual blog having many more followers. Absolutely. But I know the only thing I’m meant to do right now is to keep building it one article at a time and for each of my words to come from my heart and not the ego. As only then do I believe I’m staying on the spiritual journey I’m meant to be on, which is the one where God can work is His mysterious ways to make big dreams like mine one day come true…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Recently, it’s been brought to my attention that an individual has been talking quite negatively about me behind my back, both inside and outside the recovery rooms. There is a term for this, it’s called backstabbing, and it’s a serious character defect. Thankfully my Higher Power helped me to part ways with it several years ago, but unfortunately, there are many others, such as this individual, who haven’t.

“The sick don’t know their sick” is a phrase that first comes to mind anytime I hear that someone is backstabbing another, whether it’s a person in recovery or not. I say that only because of my own past personal experiences in doing it. For years, I went to meetings and talked a good game. In other words, I said all the right things about what to do in recovery and truly believed I was doing them. I honestly thought my recovery was top notch. The problem is that it wasn’t. I was filled with so many character defects that I was completely oblivious to how sick I still was. And regrettably, backstabbing others was one of those defects that caused me to remain sick.

I never thought talking negatively another person behind their back, was a bad thing to do. Often, I wasn’t even aware I was doing it, which is the case with many sick people like I was back then. In my mind, I was always just venting my opinions about those people, thinking it was completely harmless. But it wasn’t. Often my backstabbing comments reached those people and hurt them immensely. Even worse, a few of them were newcomers who relapsed because of it. I’m grateful that my relationship with my Higher Power today is strong enough to not let that happen to me because of this individual’s words. But just as important, I know my recovery program is much more solid today because the words being said aren’t causing me to be angry and react. In the past though, they definitely would have.

Another reason why I believe I’m not getting angry or reacting to this person’s backstabbing of me is that I know what’s being said isn’t true. The fact is that most people who get angry and react when someone is backstabbing them is because there is some truth to what’s being said of them. I should know because much of what was said of me behind my back in the past was true, I just didn’t want to look in the mirror to see that truth.

It’s unfortunate that this individual doesn’t see just how sick they still are, as much as it was for me all those years I was the same exact way. But a simple truth in all of this is that most people who backstab another are only jealous of them in some way. There’s something in those people they’re talking negatively about, that they want within themselves. My first sponsor always told me that when people start talking negatively behind your back, it means your recovery is working and theirs isn’t. I am so thankful I remembered her words as it’s helped me to have compassion for this individual.

So if you think it’s healthy to talk negatively behind someone’s back, it’s not. Please understand the only thing you’re really doing when you’re backstabbing another is hurting your own recovery and possibly theirs. It’s a serious character defect that can only be eliminated through a spiritual transformation by your Higher Power and thankfully, mine has done that for me. Hopefully this person will allow their Higher Power to one day soon do the same for them as well. Until then, I will continue sending them love, forgiveness, and peace as I know that is what my Higher Power would want of me…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson