I consider myself pretty blessed in that I met my current partner on the Internet almost three years ago now and we’re still happily together to this day. I say that only because the Internet and it’s various chat rooms and dating sites were often my breeding ground for many fantasy-based relationships that I used to fall prey to quite often.
Feeling lonely inside was definitely the sole reason why I originally started chatting with anyone on the Internet in the first place. Ironically I wasn’t physically alone though when this behavior started, as I was in a monogamous relationship at the time. My loneliness was actually to do with the fact that I didn’t love myself at all and truthfully, I didn’t like myself much either. For a while, I sought that approval from that former partner, except it eventually stopped working. But instead of searching for it within, I found those chat sites and dating rooms on the Web and proceeded to look for it there. It didn’t take me that long to find it either nor did much time even pass before I got completely hooked on them as well.
It was easy to initially buy into anything people said to me via those Internet sites whether it was through an instant message or an email. Why? Because I’d often see an extremely attractive picture of any one of these individuals and I’d read the few sentences they had written about themselves in their profile, where the combination of both would lead me to create this fantasy in my brain that told me they were exactly what I was missing in my life. What I didn’t know back then was the only thing that was missing in my life was a loving relationship with my Higher Power and myself. Sadly, it would take me almost 15 more years to figure this out. But before I did, I immersed myself in this Internet fantasy world with far too many people.
I honestly lost count of the amount of individuals I created these fantasies with online over those 15 years. Sadly, most were never who they claimed to be. They were either married or in some type of an open relationship, or they would lie about important aspects of themselves just to paint a better picture for me to see. And the majority would mostly only want some type of a sexual conversation for a short period of time solely to stimulate themselves for self-gratification purposes. While that wasn’t any of what I originally was looking for, the more I lived in this sex and love addiction based fantasy world, the more I became willing to settle for less and less. While it started with me solely seeking external approval from these people online, it eventually ended with me taking my clothes off like a prostitute would, but one who wasn’t getting paid for it. It also included me engaging in cyber sex or phone sex with many of these people I met online, as that became a way of temporarily making myself feel more wanted and less lonely. But ironically, I felt even less wanted and lonelier after each time of doing this.
It really is truly amazing how time and time again my ego believed each of the people I met online were going to be my knight in shining armor. Some of them I ultimately even met in person because I had allowed my fantasy of them to take over any good sense of rationality. Most of them usually just wanted an in-person hookup though, but the few that didn’t, who wanted more of a serious relationship, were consistently the exact opposite of the fantasy I’d created of them.
Thankfully, I would finally discover Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) where I learned not only about this addiction I had succumbed to, but also that I had to heal a lot more parts of myself before I could ever successfully love and be loved by another. I spent about 11 months being completely celibate doing just that and by the end of it, I made the decision to respond to someone who had found my personal ad online. This was very unusual for me because it was normally me doing the searching. This individual is now the partner I referred to in the beginning of this article and to this day, I have had no desire to return any of my old Internet behaviors since being in this relationship. I truly believe the only reason why is that I don’t feel that loneliness inside anymore like I once did. That’s much in part because the 12 Steps and my Higher Power have helped me to learn how to love myself so much more unconditionally then I ever used to.
So if you should happen to feel as lonely and empty inside like I once regularly did, please take a moment, breathe, and know there’s a good chance you’re never going to be happy with anyone else either, especially from someone you might find on the Internet. While your ego will try to convince you that this cyber person is the perfect relationship for you to pursue, the reality is that in most cases, it’s probably just an illusion and a fantasy-based relationship your mind is trying to create. Try working on having a more loving relationship with your Higher Power and yourself instead, and know in doing so, you’ll eventually attract the person you truly are meant to be with…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson