I used to do the One Two Shuffle for a very long time when it came to the 12 Steps. What I mean by that is the dance I once did with myself over and over again with Step 1 and 2, solely because my lack of willingness kept preventing me from going beyond them.
When it came to Step 1, I never had much difficulty admitting I was powerless over alcohol, drugs, or any of my other addictions, or even admitting that my life had become unmanageable from them as well. I think that’s because the pain they created within me when I did them left enough bad memories to last a lifetime. Each of those terrible memories has consistently been a great catalyst to helping me continue practicing this step perfectly.
When it came to Step 2, it wasn’t much of a stretch for me to practice it either. I think I’ve always believed there was some type of a Higher Power out there who could restore me to sanity, especially from a life of addiction. That’s mostly due to the fact I grew up with such a religious background. So while I may have always believed there was something greater than myself out there who could help me, my problem was with what came next in the 12 Steps and that was Step 3.
In Step 3, we’re asked to make a decision to turn our will and life over to the Higher Power we found in Step 2. The issue I kept facing in this was two-fold. First, I didn’t know whether my Higher Power was unconditionally loving or of the punishing variety. So the idea of turning my will and life over to a harsh God never seemed all that appealing to me. Thus I became afraid for quite a while that if I did, I’d be reprimanded for all the bad things I had done in my addiction-fueled life. And second, there were some parts of my addictive personality I just didn’t want to give up because I liked their short-term benefits too much. In the process, these two things only caused me to lack enough willingness necessary to go beyond the first two steps.
So I ended up spending the first 12 years in sobriety, and maybe even a few more, learning that One Two Shuffle pretty well because of this deficiency in willingness. Unfortunately, that greatly hindered my growth in recovery until I was able to find more of it. While I might have practiced those first two steps with such proficiency, the ten others I avoided for years and years were the ones that eventually would help me find the recovery I desperately needed.
The bottom line is that I grew sicker in sobriety before I got better because of doing that One Two Shuffle more than not. I know now that Bill Wilson didn’t create Two Step Recovery, he created Twelve Step recovery, but I allowed my ego to convince me otherwise until my pain became great enough. And when it did, I finally found enough willingness to move forward in the steps. I also no longer had the desire to engage in any part of my addictive personality. But most importantly, I discovered an unconditionally loving Higher Power who led me back onto a path of recovery that thankfully I’m still on today…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson