What do you do when no one’s watching you? This is a question I began pondering years ago when I started realizing at various recovery meetings that a great speaker is not always indicative of whom a person really is in life. In fact, the reality I discovered more than not is that how a person presents themselves to the world is often quite far from the person they truly are when no one’s watching them. Of course I must say that this was true of me as well for a very long time, but more on that in a minute.
When I first went to Alcoholics Anonymous to find recovery from my addiction-prone life, I looked for others to guide my way to healing and to living more spiritually. I latched on to several people early on who blew me away each time I heard them speak at the meetings I attended. But soon I learned that just because they looked good and sounded well each time they spoke, it didn’t necessarily equate to who they truly were behind the scenes. Many of those I drew close to because of how great their recovery program appeared to me were actually backstabbing, gossiping, abusive, dishonest, and engaging in other addictions outside those meetings rooms. Sadly, I was oblivious at the time to the actuality that I was no better.
While I could stand at any podium and fully appear to know what I was talking about, most never knew how spiritually sick I was when I wasn’t being in the spotlight. Like many of those I idolized early on in recovery, I too carried my fair share of toxic character defects that I never revealed when speaking in any of those recovery meetings I attended. And while I swayed many people listening to me then to believe I was healthy and spiritually centered, I can honestly say today that I definitely wasn’t.
But I believe all charades will always be exposed over time the more one engages in them, as both those who I once idolized, and my façade as well, were eventually uncovered. Most of the ones I had looked up to in recovery relapsed or got in trouble with the law, where I ended up landing in a mental hospital and even attempted suicide.
Thankfully, I can genuinely say the person I am today whether I’m out and about in the world or at home behind closed doors are now the same. Unfortunately it took my ego getting smashed a whole heck of a lot to get here, but I’m glad it happened. I’m not a charlatan, a fake, or a fraud anymore and that actually feels pretty good to be able to say that now because it wasn’t that long ago when I couldn’t.
So I encourage you to ask yourself the same question I began with today.
What do you do when no one’s watching you???
If you’re conning the world like I once used to do, know the only thing you’re really doing is increasing your spiritual sickness. But if not, and you’re sincerely the same person whether you’re out and about or even when no one’s watching you, then know you’re probably well on your way to spiritual enlightenment…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
