There are times I truly struggle being a sponsor of others in recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction. The one I’m facing as of late is that I can’t force a person to do the work, as that only ends up making me feel like I’m chasing after their recovery.
I believe a fine line exists between helping a person do the recovery work necessary to heal and controlling them into doing it. I’ve had to take a few of my own steps back with some of those I’ve sponsored over the years, because it really felt at times as if I was trying to do their recovery work for them. The fact is it’s not my place to ever chase after anyone’s recovery.
When a person becomes willing to do the work that’s critical to recovering from any addiction is ultimately up to them. I resisted this work for a very long time and that was extremely evident with the first sponsor I had in sobriety. He gave me plenty of suggestions, guidance, and direction that could have helped me immensely on my spiritual path in life, except I rarely listened to any of them. The truth was that I wasn’t ready to do that work, as I was still having too much fun, or so I thought, from living in all my character defects. Even more important is that my pain hadn’t become great enough yet from existing that way. That sponsor eventually let me go and for good reason, because I’m sure there were a number of other potential sponsees out there who were willing to take his suggestions. Thankfully, I would find enough willingness many more years later to follow another sponsor’s guidance in recovery.
Now that I’m on the other side of the coin sponsoring various individuals myself, I have to remember this important principle. I can NEVER drive any person’s recovery from addiction. Neither can that person’s partner, husband, wife, boss, friend, or anyone else for that matter. They are the one’s who have to want it. When they don’t, it becomes rather apparent because they stop calling regularly, they stop asking for time availability to meet with them, and they start making excuses as to why they aren’t doing the work.
Unfortunately, I’ve tried many times quite unsuccessfully to motivate sponsees into doing their recovery work when they get this way. But all that’s done is lead them even further away from wanting to do it with the excuse that I’m being too controlling of them. On some level, they were right and I’ve taken note.
Now I fully see that as a sponsor, I can never force anyone into doing the work, as it only ends up with me feeling like I’m chasing after their recovery. It’s totally in their court and each must find enough willingness on their own to take the suggestions, guidance, and direction I have to offer from my own experience, strength, and hope. Until they do, I will continue working with my Higher Power to help those who are reaching out and wanting to do whatever’s necessary to get better and live a life free from addiction.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
We were having this discussion tonight at our men’s meeting. My own experience is that (a) I have never inspired anyone to take action in recovery; the only thing that moves us off dead center is pain. I believe in the gift of desperation, 100%. It does say “if you want what we have, AND are willing to go to any lengths, then you are ready to take certain steps.” The converse, of course, is “If you do NOT want what we have, OR you are not willing to go to any lengths to get it, they you are NOT ready. Go get ready. Go get done. Have it YOUR way.”
And it bites – because I’ve had to bury two sponsees who wouldn’t or couldn’t “get done,” and I’ve been alienated from dozens of people whom I told to get-willing-or-go-get-done, and they’re out there working on their story.
I feel your pain.
It is a sad reality but the truth that pain seems to be the only thing that motivates an addict to find recovery. But in all truthfulness, isn’t that true with all change in life addict or not?