Daily Reflection

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. ‘” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Having spent much of my adult life working on all the broken parts of my past, I’ve found myself lately wondering if any of it has done any bit of good because it really seems as if all the things I thought I worked through already have been resurfacing again.

Agnosticism and doubting God even exists, deep insecurity, overly needy, high maintenance, irritable and short-tempered, negative thinking, and living in active addiction, each were things I spent countless hours working through over many years in 12 Step recovery, personal therapy, men’s groups, and the like, which by the end of 2014 I was mostly free of. I’d go so far as to say I was feeling extremely confident on my spiritual journey moving into 2015. Sadly, as my health issues began to rapidly intensify after that, many of these issues began to resurface again, which has left me wondering if God has a plan for me to ever prosper again.

Other than a five-day period of incredible relief in late August of 2017, where I felt God’s presence and trusted I was exactly where I was meant to be on this healing path, I’ve had no other moments of major relief. Plenty have said I’m crazy and even dumb for not choosing to take something to cope with it. Some have even suggested that maybe God was talking through them to tell me to medicate. A few even have gone so far as to suggest that maybe God doesn’t exist and that he’s just some “guy in the sky” one creates to cope when they’re in chronic pain. While I didn’t embark upon this path of natural healing initially specifically to grow closer to God, as it was more to just clean up a mind and body I had abused for too many years and lives, it has become the predominant thing I’ve sought now.

Lately though, I have so very little confidence in myself and in God, especially on days when my pain seems to control my words and actions more than not, but somehow, I still cling to a shard of faith, which in of itself I guess doesn’t qualify me for agnosticism yet. Living in pain though, for long periods of time with little to no relief on most days, truly does do a number on one’s faith. If you’ve ever been sick or ailing for long periods of time, then you’ll know what I mean. All of this has made it hard to remember what it feels like to be at peace, to know joy, or even by happy with anything. Yet, I continue to resist the urges of the world telling me to medicate or take things like CBD or medical marijuana because it simply doesn’t feel like the path God wants me to be on or what my soul energy even desires.

So, as people continue to tell me what I’m doing isn’t working and that I really need to change something up, I’m doing my best to keep trusting I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to with my health and healing. While my mind may not want to believe in this anymore, I cling to the promise of Jeremiah 29:11, that God still has a plan for me to prosper, one where my future is filled with hope and light…

Dear God, please help me to keep trusting You still have a plan for me to prosper in this life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Question For The Day

Today’s question is…

Where has your pride and ego led to hurting something important in your life?

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson


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Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to another Grateful Heart Monday, where gratitude remains the sole subject of my writing for the day, which for today is for reconciliation and reconnection with two people in my life.

All too often in our world, ego-lines get drawn, grudges are made, and friendships divide because of it. Two of those happened in my life over the past year. One with a friend named Jason and one with a friend named Mike.

While I believe all conflicts that arise in a friendship have two sides, I’ve come to learn that it is my spiritual journey in 12 Step recovery to always own my part and never point the finger or place blame solely upon the other. Unfortunately, addicts, even those in recovery for a long time like me, still have the tendency to do this from time to time, not wanting to own our own part in some conflict.

When Jason and I had a falling out over a year ago, my ego took over, thinking I knew better for Jason, then Jason knew for Jason. I was wrong for that and eventually realized over the year we didn’t speak that I’d been doing that behavior with him long before the dividing event. After repeated attempts to contact Jason once I understood this, I finally showed up at his job with a peace offering, one of his favorite coffee drinks, and a sincere amends for the part I played in our division. I’m grateful to say that Jason and I are now speaking again and mending the path that was broken, one I feel could have been avoided if I had just kept my ego in check.

As for my friend Mike, while we have struggled from time to time in our differing opinions on several subjects ever since I first met him, the one that became the polarizing event between us was the one that dealt with vaccinated versus unvaccinated people. Sides got drawn because of this intense discussion, which led to three months with not a word spoken between us. In my recovery from addiction, I’ve learned it’s best to at least try to find a higher ground and overcome pride and ego. I did that with Mike by messaging him one day and saying I was open to talk and that our friendship still mattered to me. Thankfully, he did call, and we spent an hour getting honest and open with each other, where the result was our friendship getting a chance to move forward again, rather than not at all.

I honestly believe at the root of every conflict amongst loved ones is pride and ego. Sometimes pride and ego can lead to long periods of silence, silence that can last forever if never addressed. It’s why I’m grateful I overcame my own pride and ego to reach out to two people I do care about and love, to begin the process of healing with two friendships that truly do matter to me.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson