Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

There’s a guy who’s one of those that just doesn’t like wearing a seatbelt when he drives, regardless of the risk. He was driving home from work one day when an officer sitting at a regular spot where people routinely run a stoplight noticed he didn’t have his seatbelt on. The driver was summed to pull over and got a ticket for it. Three days later, the same officer sitting at the same spot saw the same driver in the same car pull up to the light and didn’t have his seatbelt on again. He immediately put his lights on and summoned him to pull over. “So, I guess you didn’t learn anything from the last time I pulled you over?” asked the cop. “Well, actually, now I have sir,” I began. “I realize it’s time to find a new way home from work!”

Silly Joke #2

A big city 35-year-old lawyer decided to go duck hunting in a very rural area far from the city limits. His first shot hit and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the city and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes out here! We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'” The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?” The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.” The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take this old codger. He agreed to abide by the strange local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was now on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh pile of horse poop nearby. The lawyer was so angry now and immediately got to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn!” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. I never wanted the duck in the first place. I just wanted a chance to kick a lawyer’s ass for once after the last one took all my money!”

Silly Joke #3

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time…
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh my, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“Well, he died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck, how did that happen if you mind me asking?”
“Well, he wouldn’t eat the mushrooms…”

Bonus Silly Joke

A blond guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken a back because he can’t place where he knows her. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife, which happened to be on the night of his wild and crazy bachelor party, so he says, “I’m so embarrassed right now to ask this, but did you happen to be a stripper at one time and work a bachelor party years ago where celery was used as a flogging tool?” The woman looks noticeably upset now and says sternly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson