It really is sometimes quite difficult being gay and in a same-sex relationship, even in this day and age. Even though there are a lot more laws in place to protect people like me, even though a bunch of states have legalized marriage, and even though there are many more supporters of gay rights, I still have a lot of fear about what it means to me to be fully out of the closet.
I believe that coming out of the closet will look and feel different for each and every individual who ends up going through this process. Initially, when I did so, it came in the form of a declaration to my family that I was attracted more to a man than a woman. But over the years since then I have come to feel that there are many more stages to this process, some of which I know I went through, and some of which I know I still haven’t.
When this process began as I told my parents I was attracted to men, I had to overcome an incredible amount of fear to do so. My biggest worry back then was their rejection. I’ve seen over the years how many other mothers and fathers completely disowned their children because of their sexual preference and thankfully I never had to go through that. My father completely accepted me when I told him, and while my mother never totally embraced that part of me, she did do her best to continue loving me as her only son.
As the years went on after this initial coming out process, I would go through the various other stages of stepping out of that closet. Some of that would include going to a gay bar, joining a gay bowling league, going on a gay date, and getting into a gay relationship. Each of those actions involved me walking through additional fear and taking several more steps outside of that closet. But the biggest challenge to my coming out process began when I tried to intermix with other heterosexual people as a homosexual. That’s when the rejections began popping up everywhere.
There were multiple “not welcomed” stamps given to me from various churches. There were many “I can’t be your friend” stamps handed to me by people I thought were close. There were even jobs that let me go because of my sexuality preference. Each of these things led me in the complete opposite direction of where I was headed with my sexuality and soon I found myself going back into that closet.
First I started saying I was bi-sexual because I saw how that seemed to gain more acceptance by society. Next, I started dating women again even though I felt little to no connection with them. Then I began going to the same type of churches that had denied me entrance as a member. And finally, I began hanging out with those very people who felt begin gay was a sin.
I thank God that I eventually woke up and saw what I was doing to myself. I realized I had almost fully denied who I was. That’s when I began to start my coming out process all over again by taking a few steps out of the closet once again. I walked away from those people who were around me that had racism towards gay people. I avoided those churches and places of employment that held very right wing stances towards homosexuals. And I began surrounding myself with all those who were in support and love of all walks of life including gay people such as me.
Over the past two years since then, life has definitely changed for me. I’m not afraid anymore to be in a relationship with a gay man. I don’t let others try to convince me that being gay is a sin because it’s not; only man ever said it was. And I embrace everyone equally as I would want the same of myself. In other words, I practice what I preach. Unfortunately there are still two obstacles I face to walking fully out of that closet and they deal with public affection and telling brand new friends about my sexual preference.
With public affection, it’s still rare to see two men walking around holding hands or even kissing in most places in this world. Often when it does happen, it’s only in very “gay-based” areas or it’s received with jeers and taunts or even a bashing. My fear of this leads me to withhold my love and affection for my partner, even if a romantic moment should strike me when we’re out and about. Thus, on some level, I’m still in the closet with who I am because of this.
In regards to the new friends who enter my life, especially in the recovery from addictions world, I have occasionally found myself talking in third person terms about my partner using words such as “they, them, or their” instead of him or he. When I share at meetings, I usually don’t discuss anything about my personal relationship either. Most of this stems from the massive loss of friendships I’ve had over the years with people who haven’t been able to accept me for who I am. Thus here too, I’m still in the closet with who I am.
So on some level I know I’ve been in and out of the closet for years and I truly hope to one day be able to walk away from it for good. I pray for a world that doesn’t allow religious views to lead everyone to believe that being gay is wrong and a sin. I pray for a world that doesn’t look down upon two men or two women walking hand in hand together. And I pray for a world that becomes filled with a lot more love and light so that all of us who are gay can step fully out of that closet once and for all. Until then, I will continue to do my best to overcome my fears and strive for a life where I don’t find myself stepping in and out of the closet anymore.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
