I wrote in yesterday’s posting about several important things to consider when one begins working on their 8th Step. I decided after posting it, that it might be best to add a few more words on the 9th Step as well. For those who don’t know what the 9th Step is, it reads as follows:
“Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
As I mentioned back in a much earlier posting, making an amends is not about saying “I’m sorry” and moving on. It’s also not really about you at all. What the 9th Step is truly about is the addict humbling themselves as they own where they were selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid in front of whoever it was they harmed. It’s about helping those we harmed to find healing from the pain we caused them.
As also previously mentioned in an earlier posting, there are times when it’s actually not healthy to make a direct amends. Using an example from my own life, I had an affair with a married man many years ago. His wife never knew about any of what when on between him and I. She was never of his “extra-curricular” activities with me, as he liked to once call them. Through much prayer and reflection, I realized it would have caused her great harm and pain if I had made an amends to her, even though I was definitely willing to make it. Sometimes, there are situations like this where it’s best to just let the direct amends go for good and perform a “living amends” instead.
A “living amends” is simply when a person begins to live their life in a way where they’re not repeating the same harmful behaviors that once affected others on a daily basis. In the case of this affair I once had with that man, I no longer live my life to where behaviors such as that are acceptable on any level. Regardless of the fact that I’m currently in a relationship, my belief system today would never support an affair with a married man, even if I were single. Thankfully, my hard work in recovery has gotten me to this point and it’s involved a lot of “living amends”, as well as a large number of direct ones too. Making some of them weren’t easy, especially when I had caused someone great harm during my active addiction-based years.
Many recovering addicts like myself frequently experience less-than-welcomed gestures during our attempts to make some direct amends. This is all part of the process and is really quite a humbling experience. It is extremely important to note that I never argued back at someone who showed their anger or hatred towards me, because my only job on this step was to own the harm I had done. I learned that the more humble I made myself during each of these amends, the greater the peace I would experience later. The less humbling I made myself, the more my ego took over control and all that did was lead me to avoid making those amends at all.
The ego is a funny thing in that it really doesn’t want to be humbled…ever. It also likes to try to convince a person that an amends doesn’t have to be made when a person can’t be found. But in today’s day in age with the Internet, many of those people that are owed an amends can be found quite easy actually. In those few cases when someone truly seems to be off the grid, a little prayer to one’s Higher Power can often help to locate that person. There was a time when I prayed to mine to find someone so that I could make my amends to them, and not too long after, I ran into that person on a commercial street one day and got the opportunity to do so.
There are a few final points I’d like to make on the 9th Step. It’s important to note that making a direct amends should not take place over a phone, and definitely not through an e-mail or text message either. None of those are all that humbling and they definitely don’t help to smash the ego of the addict. And if one of those amends is with a deceased person, that doesn’t mean the person can avoid making it either. The amends I made with my mother came long after her death and it was done on a beach after I had written a letter to her. I burned that letter that day and felt so much better after completing that amends. Even though my mother wasn’t alive for me to humble myself in front of her, my action of doing the amends anyway was critical to my recovery. It showed my willingness and it showed my ego that it wasn’t in charge anymore.
So if you happen to be someone who’s on your 9th Step and is beginning to make those amends, please remember that this step is far greater than just saying I’m sorry and moving on. It’s a lot more about humbling yourself and it’s definitely about living a new life where the ego is no longer in charge. It involves searching as hard as possible to locate all of those you caused pain and it’s truly about having enough willingness to make an amends, even when a person isn’t alive anymore. And please remember one final thing.
The 9th Step isn’t as much about healing you…
It’s really more about healing everyone else that you hurt, as they deserve that as much as a healthier you…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson