Each time we talk, my spiritual teacher reminds me to have patience with my health and healing processes and to continue to maintain what I’ve been doing daily to support them. Having high levels of physical pain though, day in and day out with little to no relief, truly has challenged my ability to do that. While I continue to do my best to follow her guidance, the hardest battle I’m facing, as of late, is actually not this. It’s my fear that I’m slowly losing my faith in God.
Four years ago, I began pledging my entire will and life over to the care of God when my life had gotten completely out of control. Since then, I’ve made an incredible leap forward from where I once used to be. The addictive-based life I once lived regularly is no longer and I feel so much better on a spiritual, mental, and emotional basis these days. While all of that reflects the positive work that God has been doing to transform me, I truly am struggling lately to understand why these physical pains haven’t left me yet.
The fact is having physical pain wears a person down the more it stays present. It affects a person’s thinking, reasoning, rationalizing, and ability to live life to its fullest. In my case, it’s done all of the above and it’s also eliminated my capacity to do most of the things I once enjoyed in life. For the past 48 months, I’ve tried my absolute best to maintain a belief that all of this pain is temporary and that God will deliver me out of it.
During that time, there was a 12-month period where I lost that belief and instead sought out doctors, science, and medicine to fix me. The only thing that path ended up doing for me was cause higher levels of physical pain and a trip to the mental institution for a few days. When all of that occurred, I took it as a sign that I was meant to endure this suffering for whatever the reason. Since then, I’ve done just that and have gotten through all of those difficult days by keeping my faith alive that God would end my physical pains soon.
Over the past five months or so, I have had little to no physical relief and on some days I question my sanity. Sometimes I even think of my mother and father and how they ended their life tragically because they couldn’t handle their own pain. I know that’s not what I want, but my ego plagues me to do something because of this pain. The difficulty is that I have exhausted every avenue to end this pain and my spiritual teacher says that all I can do is have patience and maintain.
I wish I could say her words were reassuring and comforting, but in a body that hurts so bad on most days, it’s often not. The only thing that truly keeps me going is the faith I have in God that I won’t be left in this physical state of being for the rest of my life. But the more this physical pain persists day in and day out, the more I question my faith.
They say that all people experience a time on their spiritual journey that is meant to test the endurance of their faith. If that’s the case, I often wonder if my parents didn’t pass that test. Regardless, I still want to, just as much as I want to maintain my faith in God that my physical pain will end soon. But I know the more they remain, the harder it’s becoming to believe this.
So the only thing I know to do whenever I feel like this is to pray…
I pray to You God that You still have a beautiful plan for me. I pray that plan still involves a life for me here on Earth that’s free of these physical pains. I pray You strengthen me enough so that I don’t lose my faith in You like my parents did. Please know that I love You God and all I truly want is to live my life to the fullest where I can dedicate even more of it to You. May Thy Will, Not Mine Be Done…. Amen.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Andrew, I understand and know what physical pain is like as well as mental pain caused from the physical, you are not alone. I do not have the answer to your physical pain but what I do have is an insight of your talking about your pain and your faith in your HP. What I heard you say is that with you putting your life in your HP hands that your addictive life style is no longer and because your pain that you pray to be removed has not been removed and because of this your faith that your HP will heal your pain is hard to trust and maybe trust that there is a HP at all. What I hear from your words is that you have experienced the power of your God in your life and know that your HP exist, that you did not change your addictive actions by your own will. I hear that because of your pain not being removed like you want now you question your HP will in your life. I understand your thinking, as I have had such thoughts myself about a HP will in my life for different reasons. What I have learned for me is that I have a soul which is on a spiritual journey and will live on past the journey of my physical body which will deteriorate and die some day. My body will do what ever it will but I cannot stop or change that I will die some day but what I can do is learn what it is for me to accept what ever condition my body is in and seek peace and serenity through my HP until that day comes. I have not seen any promises from any HP that our physical bodies will be born without defect and last in perfect shape forever. My thought for you is to learn what acceptance is for you if your body continues to be in this pain for the rest of your life and what is it you can do if this is true. make two list of what your actions and thoughts can be, one of the most positive and one of the not so positive. I believe that the more positive is Gods will and the not so positive is my will. I have learned in the 3rd step that “will” refers to our thoughts and feelings and “lives” refers to our actions. My prayer fro you is that you keep your faith in your HP and that you will continue to seek peace and serenity no matter where your physical pain level is, as you are a gift to me and many people in this life.
Andrew,
Keep your chin up. We all are impatient when we are waiting for the final outcome. Whether it be healing, health, happiness or wealth. You have maintained a balance in your life and you continue to do so. Your spirituality has flourished when others have not. Keep on keeping on as your spiritual guide has told you. You have made it to the finish line, which is the one thing you have struggled and faought to get too. You must wait for the final price or reward. The “Blue Ribbon”, no more pain. It will happen and when it does, you will be out of the racing gate faster, better, and MOST improved as ever before. I love you and will be here for you always.
Chris