“More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.” (p. 73, 4th edition Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)
I was living a double life up until only a few years ago. I was often such a fake, a charlatan, or a magician at best. The illusion I portrayed outwardly for everyone to see, especially in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, was usually quite elaborate. Although I was truly clean and sober from alcohol and drugs during all those days, I was still lying to my Higher Power, myself, and everyone else as well because of what I was doing when no one was watching me.
The true test of a person’s recovery from addiction really is best seen by how they live their life outside the meeting rooms, as that’s when no one is really watching them. I understood that so well that for years I did exactly what I was supposed to do in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous so no one really knew how much of a sham I was.
I’d go to those AA meetings diligently.
I’d check in and do weekly work with my sponsor.
I joined a home group and got active.
I helped many newcomers through sponsorship.
And at the podium, I even learned how to present my story in such a way that it was very inspirational for others.
But deep down inside I didn’t deserve any of the accolades I got quite often from doing all of that. That’s only because the life I was living outside the recovery world was completely opposite of what I was portraying in it.
To put it bluntly, outside the recovery world, I was a backstabbing, character assassinating, gossiping, 13th stepping, dry drunk who was active in plenty of other addictions.
While a good portion of my days might have been filled with positive 12 Step work, the rest of it was self-seeking to the max. I was addicted to porn, sex, had love obsessions that were really just lust, and was extremely codependent upon others. I told white lies regularly and was angry and resentful at the slightest thing. I’d also regularly ditch plans with one friend solely to be with another because of them having something more to offer me. While my recovery world persona showed strength and confidence, my non-recovery world showed insecurity, doubt, and fear on a consistent basis.
Eventually all my deception revealed itself though, and that happened when I landed in a mental hospital for a good number of days. I had thought of myself as such as great actor, but instead I had become completely washed up, no longer able to sustain the double life.
Through hard work, a closer relationship to my Higher Power, and turning my will ENTIRELY over, I began working on removing that double life. Eventually, the day arrived when I starting realizing the person I was in the recovery rooms was actually the same outside of them as well. I saw how the words I was speaking with such passion in the meetings and to sponsees, was the same ones I was practicing throughout my entire life.
I live my recovery program from addictions 24/7 now, whether someone is watching me or not. I also have a much better reputation today both in the recovery world and outside of it too, and I actually do feel like I deserve that today. But I give all that credit to my Higher Power, as I know if it weren’t for God, I’d still be doing my best to be that actor who was living a double life and dying inside. Thank God that’s not who I am today…and hopefully it’s not you either…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson