A common misconception for those who are new to 12 Step recovery programs is that that won’t ever be tempted to go back to their addiction(s) after enough sober time passes. Unfortunately, that’s quite far from the truth.
This upcoming week will be my 19th year clean and sober from alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. I’ve also gone for more than two years now free of caffeine and sex and love addiction based behaviors as well. But regardless of whatever sober length of time I’ve had under my belt, I’ve only ever been one slip away from fully going back to any of those former addictions.
While on most days I don’t think about engaging in any of them anymore, there are still some when I do. This past Saturday was one of them and I’m sure it had a lot to do with the atmosphere I was around. I spent the day at a local downtown festival where there was a high level of partying going on. While the majority of the festival was focused on house tours, yard sales, foods, and arts and crafts vendors, there was also a vast amount of drinking also taking place. On top of that, I spent the day at this festival with a friend of mine who’s also very attracted to me. Although no boundaries were broken on Saturday, and no one put a drink in my hand, or even offered me one either, just being in that atmosphere placed me in some energy that tempted me back towards my addictions.
It really is true when people say that you become who and what you hang around regularly. Although I enjoy festivals and spending time with a few friends who find my attractive, I know I couldn’t do either on any type of a regular basis. Being around either definitely tempts me to go back to old behaviors. On an occasional basis, my recovery is strong enough today to be around situations like this. But I know that if I increased the frequency of me going to festivals, parties, or hanging out with people who find me attractive, it could lead me back into my addictions.
The fact is, when I used to hang around festivals, bars, or house parties regularly, I drank and drugged regularly. When I used to hang around people who found me attractive regularly, I became promiscuous regularly. But when I finally found recovery and began hanging around recovery-based people regularly, I began recovering a lot more regularly. And that’s when I saw I needed to place a little more distance between myself, and those things that tempted me into my addictions.
As my length of sobriety and recovery increased, I realized that there were going to be times that I couldn’t always be completely free of temptations. So I learned how to be around alcohol or people who found me attractive by strengthening my recovery and my relationship with my Higher Power. Doing both on a regular basis definitely sustains me now when those temptations occasionally arise in life, like they did this past weekend.
As I drove home from that festival this afternoon, I actually had thoughts about drinking some caffeine, stopping at a bar, doing something sexual, and driving recklessly in my sports car. I believe all of those thoughts stemmed from being in the atmosphere I had been in the entire day. Thankfully, I did none of the above, but it was strong reminder that I’m always going to be tempted to go back to my old addictions.
I’m so grateful that my recovery and my relationship with my Higher Power are so strong these days. I know that’s precisely the reason why I didn’t give into those temptations this past Saturday. While I believe it’s not possible for a recovering addict to be completely free from all temptations for the rest of their life, having a strong program and a close connection to a Higher Power is critical to dealing with them when they do arise. I’m thankful I have both and that I’m still clean and sober from all my former addictions…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson