Finding a sponsor in a 12 Step recovery program can often be an extremely challenging task. There are quite a number of factors that can be involved in this process, so I thought it might be good if I talk about some of the ones I’ve had to face when I’ve searched for a sponsor.
The first concern I ever had when it came to finding a sponsor was for my recovery program in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). There I heard very early on that a man should always sponsor a man, and a woman should always sponsor a woman. This principle didn’t work for me, as I had serious trust issues with men due to having been molested at a young age. Because of this, I ended up choosing a woman in her 60’s that had some serious sobriety time under her belt and it worked out just fine for me.
A second concern I’ve had to deal with when looking for a sponsor is having them say no to my request. Why this ever happens to anyone is different for every case. Sometimes the potential sponsor has too many sponsees already. Sometimes they don’t have the right set of tools or experience to help. Sometimes they might have various personal issues going on that prevents it. And sometimes, they might even be physically attracted to the sponsee. Regardless of the reason why, I learned that I wasn’t to take it personally if it happened.
A third concern I’ve faced when looking for a sponsor has to deal with my sexuality. There are many possible sponsors out there that are either gay-friendly or gay themselves, but I’ve found there are also just as many that aren’t either and instead, have biases and judgments towards my sexual orientation. I find it important now to reveal this information about myself right away when asking someone to sponsor me, solely because I don’t want to deal with any repercussions later. And once again, when I’ve discovered a potential sponsor to have any prejudices towards my lifestyle, I don’t take it personally as it’s their issue, not mine.
A fourth concern I have when looking for a sponsor is one that I’m dealing with currently. I’ve actually been seeking one out in AA for the past few months since moving to a new city, and many have frequently suggested I take a temporary sponsor. I’ve learned over the years in following that advice that it never works out well for me. Usually in doing so, I just feel like I’m settling for less than what I need and want in a sponsor and my sense of peace and serenity suffers in the process. I believe that seeking out the right sponsor requires prayer and patience and until one is found, it’s important to have various peers in the recovery world to use for guidance.
The last thing I’d like to mention about a finding a sponsor actually has nothing to do at all with the search itself. But it is something that can happen after a person finally does have one, and that’s when their sponsor either dies, relapses, or moves away. I’ve had to endure each of these at one point in time or another in my various recoveries from past addictions, and none of them were ever easy to work through. The key that got me through each of them though was spending more time in prayer and meditation with my Higher Power, going to more meetings, reaching out to my support network in a greater way, and immediately allowing myself to be open to searching for a new one. I think it’s also essential to remember that once a sponsor is found, they can also let their sponsee go at any point in time. I should know as my refusal to do recovery work in the past kept me toxic and led to this several times. But in every case where I’ve done the recovery work asked of me, this never happened and instead, a strong spiritual relationship ended up growing between my sponsor and I.
All in all, I’ve come to believe that the most important things to remember when it comes to finding a sponsor in any 12 Step recovery program is to always pray for guidance, to be patient, and to never settle on anyone temporarily that doesn’t feel right to me. Eventually the one my Higher Power wanted me to have has always appeared and when it did, it really was just the beginning of a very beautiful thing for my spiritual journey to greater recovery…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Wise words, my friend.
Thanks Jeff, I learned some of these through our very own workshop!