“… If They Return, It’s Meant To Be.” This age-old adage is one I’ve been applying lately to the longest running and closest friendship I’ve had in this life. Two days ago I posted a prayer on reconciliation that dealt specifically with this friend. Ironically, the day after posting it, I thought my prayer was answered when I got a phone call from him after almost two full months with no contact. Unfortunately by the time that call ended, it felt as if our friendship might actually be headed in the exact opposite direction of what I have been praying for.
My words seem to be failing me as I try to write this solely because the idea of losing a 17-year friendship is something I cannot take lightly. While the outcome of it is not officially determined yet, my friend made a decision during his period of silence with me that impacted me so greatly, it’s caused me to re-evaluate where he stands in my life.
His decision deals with something I’ve been looking forward to doing with him for quite some time and that’s to attend the upcoming 2015 AA World Convention in Atlanta, GA. It only happens once every five years with the last one being in San Antonio, TX in 2010. While we had plenty of good moments with each other back then, I was still living with an active sex and love addiction that I know put a damper between us at various times. Thankfully, I became clean and sober from that addiction not too long after that convention, which brought renewed vigor to our friendship. Because of that we decided to room together again at the next one spending a full week doing both the convention and some sightseeing. We continued to talk about these plans with a lot of excitement right up until he suddenly asked for space to work through a few things from a few of our past struggles. While I thought we had already worked through all of them, I accepted his request and waited as patiently as I could, which included me writing and saying that prayer for reconciliation.
When I saw that phone call coming in from this friend the day after posting that prayer, I was overjoyed and it didn’t take long for the two of us to be laughing with each other hysterically like always. Forty minutes later we were about to say goodbye until our next conversation, when I asked him if he got my email confirming the room reservation for the upcoming convention. That’s when he told me he had changed plans and was rooming with a few other friends instead. To some this may not seem like a big deal, but it actually says a lot about where I stand in his life at the present time. Sadly, that’s because his decision reminds me of a behavior I once did regularly to others.
I used to make plans with a lot of people who really cared about me and who looked forward to the things we would schedule together. But when another option would arrive that seemed to fit my ego better, I’d pull the carpet out from underneath these friends by canceling and making plans with someone else instead. Even worse, I always expected them to just shrug it off. When I became on the receiving end of this behavior again and again from various people I thought were friends, I learned two lessons. One, I wasn’t as important to those people as I thought I was. And two, even more importantly, I fully saw how much it hurt to be on the receiving end of it myself. There’s a great saying in the Bible that says to “Do unto others as you would do unto you”. In this case, I don’t want to do this behavior anymore to anyone because I know how it feels nowadays. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier though when seeing it still being done to me, especially by someone I feel is my closest friend.
All I can really say is that my heart and soul are hurting right now and I’m unwilling to continue putting them in jeopardy if its only going to result in me getting hurt time and time again. I said this recently in another posting and I’ll say it again. I can’t and won’t wait around for someone to treat me with the love and respect I deserve in life. While my friend’s decision may not seem like that big of a deal to him, it is to me and is just one of many other things he’s done that have been slowly making me question where I actually stand in his life. I sincerely don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that God does. So the only thing I really can do is to turn it over to God and to practice acceptance on whatever ends up happening.
I honestly pray that this 17-year friendship isn’t over, but I do whole-heartedly believe in that age-old adage that says “If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free. If They Return, It’s Meant To Be.” Whatever the outcome of that action ends up being with this friend, I’m just grateful for the God of my understanding. That’s only because I know that even if my prayer for reconciliation isn’t answered in the way I want, that God will sustain and lead me to serenity through it all…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Thinking of you…your writing in this piece was truly form the heart…hugs.
Thanks Jeff. Yeah, it’s a really hard thing to do… but I know I have to do it to protect my heart and soul…