Month: December 2014

Rule 62

There’s an unwritten rule in AA that I’ve been struggling with immensely since the day I began my recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction. It’s called Rule 62 and by definition it means, “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously. Although I do believe it’s important to not take myself so seriously at times, having fun at my expense, especially in front of others, and joking about my recovery are two circumstances I feel I can’t apply to that rule.

Take for example what happened to me a few Fridays ago at my home group. Towards the end of the meeting, my heart moved to share some of my own experience, strength, and hope about the topic of the day. When I raised my hand and was eventually called upon, the moderator made a joke about me that actually held no validity. Unfortunately, I immediately went from my heart into my head, as the room erupted into laughter, forgetting all about the words I wanted to share in the process. Instead I attempted to muster a fake smile as I proceeded to string some words together that were quite far from the original passion I had felt minutes prior. When the meeting ended, I approached the moderator and asked they not repeat that behavior again with me. The response I received was right up that Rule 62’s alley by suggesting I needed to lighten up a little. While I knew this person’s joke truly meant me no harm, it hit an area within me that still causes me great pain.

You see, as a kid I was bullied incessantly and was always the pun of just about everyone else’s jokes. But through my work in recovery, I was able to find forgiveness in my heart for each of those people who did. This allowed me to finally release the anger and resentments I had held onto inside for years towards them except it didn’t erase the memories of it happening to me again and again. And as much as I wanted it to, it continues to resurface to this very day each time anyone makes fun of me, especially in front of a room full of people.

I’m honestly not sure if it will ever go away, just as much as I know some soldiers with PTSD never fully erase the memories of what they saw when they fought oversees. Regardless, I have learned through my spiritual work that anyone who makes fun of another is usually only acting from their own insecurity and defects of character. Knowing this does help somewhat to ease the brunt when someone pokes fun at me, but all in all I still find it very challenging to apply Rule 62 in situations such as this.

In general, I’ve also found it quite challenging to apply this rule to my recovery because when I have, I’ve always grown more spiritually sick and landed smack dab back in the thick of an addiction. Over the years through a lot of trial and error, I saw how my constant joking around in meetings and with sponsees not only led me away from the love and light I sought, it also brought on the same soul-sickness I felt during all the years I was using something addictively to make me feel better.

So do I believe that Rule 62 and not taking myself too damn seriously is important? Sure, I have no problem poking fun at myself when I’m alone or with one other individual. But I draw the line when it’s done at my expense in front of others, especially when it happens in the rooms of recovery. Being bullied as a kid wasn’t fun and it scarred me for life. And joking about my recovery has only ever led me straight back into a life of addiction. Maybe one day some of this will change, but for now I tend to believe my Higher Power wouldn’t want me to make fun of others nor joke about my recovery either. Thus I think overall I’m ultimately applying Rule 62 just fine…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Have You Ever Struggled With Maintaining Blind Faith?

Have you ever struggled with maintaining blind faith? I am right now and am feeling quite down because of it. I know that’s completely attributed to the physical pain issues I continue to face on a daily basis. While some days fare slightly better than others, all in all I haven’t seen much in the way of physical improvement for over a year now. In fact, sometimes it seems like just the opposite has been happening, which has led me to question God quite a bit lately as to whether I’ll ever physically feel better again or not in this lifetime. The way my spiritual teacher guides me now when I’m feeling like this is to habitually remind me I need to hang in there, that’s it coming, and to keep on, keeping on. I always end up agreeing with her, but to be perfectly honest, I’ve also been wondering how much longer I can continue to withstand this without losing my blind faith in it actually happening?

The book of Job in the Bible is one story I reflect upon quite a bit a bit these days solely because Job was a man who had went through a huge testing of his own blind faith. Initially within his story, Job’s a good and righteous man who lives in great prosperity and holds an extremely deep faith and belief in the presence and protection of God. But eventually he struggles to maintain that when all his children, his livelihood, and his health are taken away. Sadly, Job’s friends only confuse him even more with their own interpretations of what he should do and why he’s suffering so much. After Job curses the day he was born and wishes his life to end, God directly speaks to him and then restores his health, his prosperity, and even brings him many new offspring.

While I know there are many vast differences between what Job went through and what I still am, it hasn’t stopped me from comparing the pain I feel daily to that which he felt. I’ve lost count of the number of times now where I’ve cried out in anger, frustration, anguish, and the like begging God for mercy and to just end my life altogether. Most people really just won’t understand what it feels like to be in a place such as this when they haven’t gone through it themselves. Unfortunately, I’m reminded of Job’s friends when any of my own suggests one medication after another thinking it’s going to help. I took that path for a time and sadly, it only landed me in a worse state physically, as well in a mental hospital with a nervous breakdown.

So I do my best now to get through each set of 24 hours hoping the next one might be better than the last. But on days like today when it’s definitely not, I find myself having a lot more doubt than that of blind faith. What I long for the most in moments such as this is for God to suddenly speak to me like He did with Job. While that hasn’t happened, as of yet, I’ve somehow been able to endure all of it for several years now. I know that can’t be due to something like my self-will, because that only ever led me into a life of addictions and on a path to destruction. So maybe it’s just God speaking to me in a different way, but regardless, something has definitely helped me all this time to not give up. Whatever it is, I know I must stay vigilant in my blind faith by doing as Job did and remain to pray.

“Dear God, I do not understand why I’m still suffering so greatly. My physical body aches and groans on most days like I’m 80 years old. Each day I wake up hoping it will be better than the last, but I have yet to feel any noticeable improvements. You asked me to clean up my life in plenty of ways and as far as I know I have done that and even then some. You asked me to immerse myself in recovery and start helping others and I have done that as often as I can too. You also asked me to show unconditional love and light to everyone on this planet because of how we’re all connected. I continue to do that as well but my blind faith has been waning due to how long I’ve been actually enduring these physical pains. God, I’m really just scared and confused like a little boy who’s lost sight of his parent and I’m not sure what to do other than keep praying for You to replenish my blind faith. I truly long for those days where I can run, jump, and play once again, but until then God, I remain devoted one day at a time seeking only your guidance and will no matter how great my pain and suffering is. Amen.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Stephen Hawking And The Theory Of Everything

I honestly can’t imagine what it must be like to be Stephen Hawking. To have one of the greatest minds throughout the history of the world but at the same time be severely disabled by a degenerative disorder that renders one’s muscular functions relatively useless, seems impossible to deal with, but somehow he’s done it for over 50 years. After watching a portrayal of his life in The Theory Of Everything, I’ve gained profound respect and compassion for Hawking, not because he’s a genius, but because he’s never given up.

The Theory Of Everything stars Eddie Redmayne as Stephen Hawking and begins during Hawking’s latter college years at Cambridge when his health started to rapidly deteriorate. By the age of 21, after repeated bouts of spontaneous clumsiness and slurred speech, he was diagnosed with motor neurone disease and given 2 years left to live. Redmayne does such an incredibly realistic job portraying what Hawking faced from this point forward in life that I found myself actually believing I was watching Hawking himself go through his terrible ordeal. But even through the depression he initially battled, as well as the incredible suffering and debilitation he endured, Hawking found true love in Jane Wilde, who’s played by Felicity Jones in the film. It becomes quite obvious to the viewer that Jane’s love of Stephen becomes one of the greatest positive forces to preventing him from ever giving up. As the rest of the movie goes on to painfully show Hawking become the deformed wheelchair figure he is today using that computerized voice to speak, I was clearly reminded how there’s always someone out there worse off than me. But regardless of his life’s tragic circumstances, Hawking has defied his doctor’s odds many times over. And not only did he find true love (twice), he also went on to parent three children, gain his doctorate, and garner many awards, honors, and achievements for his work in theoretical physics and cosmology.

But what I found most interesting from the movie and the research I did on Hawking afterwards is my discovery that he’s a proclaimed atheist. While I’m sure Hawking would say that the two loves of his life were guiding forces for many of those times when he wanted to give up, I’m inclined to believe that he has more spiritual beliefs than he realizes. The power of love is something I tend to think comes from something greater than all of us and not something we can just create. After all, if we were able to just create it whenever we wanted, we’d probably be falling in love a lot more often in life. Regardless, Hawking received this precious gift twice in life where each would keep him going when he most needed it. Whether he ever chooses to acknowledge the possibility that his true loves may have come from a Higher Presence or not I don’t know. Either way, Hawking is unquestionably one of the greatest minds that have ever lived. But more importantly, The Theory Of Everything cleared showed how his ability to transcend his unfortunate life circumstances and never given up is something that can be a spiritual inspiration for many, like it undoubtedly has been for me.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson