Month: March 2015

My Struggle To Make Friends

I really struggle making friends. The most common thing people seem to always say about me is that I’m too aggressive in pursuance of their friendship. Others have often said I divulge too much about my life too quickly as well. Ironically, when I was the complete reverse of this many, many years ago, people said I should open up more and try harder. I’ve come to accept these days that the people who do want to be my friend are the ones who accept me just as I am.

The main reason why I’m talking about this subject today is due to a social group that my partner and I dined with recently. We met up with this group one evening to share a meal, as they regularly get together each month to break bread with each other. Five or so couples were present that night, only one of which we knew and they were the ones who had invited us to join them.

I was excited that night to meet some people who possibly might become new friends of my partner and I, as we continue to look for couples to spend time and develop healthy friendships with. While we dined that evening, I spent a good period of it talking to one couple that sat near me I have never met before. They were very friendly and I truly enjoyed the conversations we had. By the time the night was over, I felt comfortable enough to give them my contact information and suggest that maybe we get together sometime to hang out. I even offered them an invite to an Oscar party I was having a week or so later. After we all parted ways, I looked forward to connecting with them again, as well as with the rest of the group in subsequent months.

Like most people seem to do these days, when I got home, I found them on Facebook and sent them a friend request. Four weeks passed after that with no response to that request or to the brief messages I had sent to each saying hello. I asked one of my friends who knew them, if I possibly had offended them somehow without even knowing it. What I learned later was what I always seem to learn.

I was too aggressive.
I divulged too much.
They weren’t comfortable with my forwardness.
Etc. Etc.

I’ve heard this before and I’m sure I will continue to hear this time and time again. I’ve jumped back and forth throughout my life trying to make friends by putting effort into opening up and getting to know others, but keep getting these types of responses. Then I get frustrated because of it and go in the exact opposite direction by remaining more silent than not at various get-togethers where people end up saying they still aren’t comfortable with me because I didn’t try hard enough to socialize.

To be perfectly frank, I am who I am. I can’t keep trying to change to fit what other people want me to be. In doing so, I’m just being a chameleon and not authentic. I’m a firm believer that if my Higher Power wants a couple or anyone for that matter to be a friend in my life, they will be there with me just being me. And being me these days is one who does open up a lot more than not, who does share about his life quite openly, who does send friendship requests to people he newly meets, and who does extend an invitation to hang out with new people when it seems like things are going well in getting to know them.

Case in point, on my partner and I’s recent vacation, we met a couple early on named Cathy and Mike who took to us very well. We all opened up quite a bit with each other over the course of four days or so and shared a ton of laughter with each other as well. By the time we parted ways as they headed home first, a decent friendship was forged and possibly a future trip on the horizon to each other’s places.

So while one couple, or maybe more didn’t take to my forwardness so well on that night at the group dinner, I know there are others in this world that still do. I know I’m a good person and deserve healthy friendships and I know that I am who I am. I’m an extrovert with a good heart and a very open life. I write about it, speak about it, and that’s just me.

I look at it this way. If a couple or anyone doesn’t want to be a part of my life or my partner’s, it’s their loss and it’s our gain to spend more time developing connections with those who do.

So if you are someone like me who has been rejected a lot in life, just be yourself and live in your heart, and the friendships you’re meant to have will come in your life when they’re meant to. Let the ones go who can’t accept you for you, because in the end, you truly don’t want friendships like them anyway…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Vacation Part 7 – The Light Fast

Today is the final entry for my recap of my vacation in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico that was just a few weeks ago and it deals with a light fast I chose to do for a few days upon returning home. The motivating factor was simple. Gluttony.

If you’ve ever been to a buffet, then you’ll probably know what I’m talking about. It’s almost natural to want to overeat when at one, given all the choices that exist. The first thought I ever have at one is how I want to try everything there and get my money’s worth. Well that same mentality seemed to be present just as much when on an all-inclusive vacation where food surrounded me 24/7.

Every time I had breakfast, lunch or dinner at the resort’s buffet, I sampled everything because my ego kept convincing me that I would be missing out on something if I didn’t. On one particular evening for example there was a Mexican theme for dinner where they had a huge spread of desserts. I tried one of each, which probably ended up being equivalent to eating around 15 different ones overall.

By the time my vacation ended, I felt so lousy inside due to all this overabundance of food I had consumed on a consistent basis while away. I knew I had gained a few pounds, which many might say isn’t so bad for a skinny guy like myself. But the truth is, I didn’t feel that good about myself in how it happened nor did I feel that good in my body either. This is specifically why I made the conscious choice to go through a light fast beginning on my first full day home.

I have to say though that there were many times during past vacations I would tell myself quite often after overeating “I’ll just go on a diet when I get home”, but I never did, not once. I’m not sure if the reason why I actually did follow through with my verbal promise this time around was due to the spiritual place I’m trying to be in life. Regardless, I kept that promise and began a light fast my first full day back from vacation.

My diet for three full straight days consisted of nothing more than a cup of yogurt with a few tablespoons of granola for lunch and a single Lara Bar for dinner. And this was accompanied with only water or mostly black decaf coffee. To understand the drastic change I went through for those three days, I most likely consumed more than 4000 calories each day on vacation. But during those three days of light fasting, I consumed no more than 400 calories on each.

One of my friends made a joke while I did this light fast and said it sounded like I was binging and purging, but replacing the purging with fasting. I had to laugh, except deep down I was kicking myself for having done so much gluttony with food while I was away. Anyway, I learned two very important things because of my fasting.

One, I definitely have taken food for granted in life. According to the statistics I found online, 805 million people go through most of their days feeling what I felt more than not, which was weak, tired, and starving. It was strange seeing commercials or food programs on television, as I found myself longing to gorge on the pixels in front of me. It was also strange having the desire to eat things I normally don’t eat, just because I was so darn hungry. And I found it almost downright cruel when I had to sit through two different meetings where the aromas of pulled pork and lasagna wafted through the air. But the idea of going through this every single day truly overwhelmed my heart and brought out compassion for all those who have to do this because of their poverty.

The other important thing I learned was how fast I normally eat in life. Many of my friends have consistently told me this but I rarely have ever paid attention to them. It’s true though because at most meals, I was usually the first one finished. But having a single cup of yogurt and a single Lara Bar for an entire day made me want to have this food last as long as it could and I did just that. I savored every bite of that yogurt and took close to 30 minutes to consume it versus the 1 minute it normally took me. As for the Lara Bar, I finished it in close to 20 minutes as compared to the 2 minutes that generally took.

What’s interesting is that my fast ended up lasting just under four days by the time I had my first full meal again, which was a gourmet burger and fries at an upscale bar in Toledo. I will tell you that I did savor every single bite of that burger and fries no different than how I did with that yogurt and bar, and watched as people ate their food around me as fast as I once did. When that meal was finished, I felt more than satisfied on many levels. Thankfully, I am continuing to do this at every meal now and find I’m eating far less than I once did.

But I think the most important spiritual lesson I learned through my light fast is to be grateful I even have food to consume at all, when so many are going without on this planet every single day of their lives…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Vacation Part 6 – The Anti-Gay Pastors

I’ve had the Bible thrown at me plenty of times throughout life because of my sexuality, but I never thought that would ever happen during my extended vacation in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. Sadly, it did and it definitely became the lowest point of the entire trip for both my partner and myself.

It all began three days earlier when we were swimming in the large pool at the Gran Porto Real Resort we were staying at. There, we occasionally found ourselves talking to other guests because that’s just what people seemed to do there. On this particular day there was a man and a woman wading nearby whom you could tell had just arrived because of how pale their skin was. I told them they might want to be careful and wear lots of sunscreen given how easy it was to burn being so close to the equator. That sparked a quick conversation between us where we learned they were from Edmonton, Canada and had only gotten there yesterday. It wasn’t too long after that where they left the pool area, but given how small the resort was, we ran into them rather frequently over the next few days. Each time we did, we would have another brief conversation that was always pleasant and enjoyable. Finally after enough of these brief encounters took place, I decided to put it out there that my partner and I would be open to them joining us for a meal if they were up to it.

On most of the trips my partner and I’ve taken, we’ve usually met some really nice couples, both gay and straight, in similar ways that have always led to us enjoying one or more meals with each of them. So this wasn’t out of the norm for either of us to ask this friendly heterosexual couple this question. They responded to it by asking for our room number and said they may take us up on that offer and would call us.

When Saturday arrived, which was the second to last day of our trip, we hadn’t received any message from them in our room yet. As I was leaving the pool that afternoon to go work out in the gym, I ran into them in the lobby where we had another great conversation. There, I posed the question once again about our dinner offer and their response was an apology for them being old fuddy-duddies. I told them I understood because there were times I too wanted to not being around anyone other than my partner on a vacation. They thanked me for understanding and I waved as I headed off to the gym.

Later that night, my partner and I chose to go out to dinner in town where we ended up at an authentic Mayan restaurant named Yaxche. We were delighted to get a seat outside on the patio directly next to the busy shopping street appropriately named 5th Avenue. As we finished off the remaining bites of our first course, the couple from Canada suddenly appeared and greeted us warmly. Both my partner and I offered them to sit down and join us, but they said they had already eaten. Being as friendly as we are, we said they could still join us if they didn’t mind us eating while they sat there. They decided to do just that and for the next 20 minutes or so, my partner and I ate our dinner and talked about our life in Toledo, jobs, my recovery from addiction, and a few other random topics.

By the time we took the last few bites of our delicious meals, I decided to express some gratitude by telling this couple how refreshing it was for a couple to embrace our relationship. If there was ever a moment when you could hear imaginary brakes screech to an immediate halt, this was it.

“Well I probably should tell you that my wife and I are both ordained pastors of our own Christian church,” the man said in response.

And that’s where everything began to go downhill.

For the next 45 minutes, he went into what I felt could best be described as a sermon. Neither my partner nor I were barely able to get a word in edgewise as he talked about homosexuality being the downfall of society, that it was an instrument of the Devil, and that the only reason why either of us was gay was due to the sins of our forefathers’ generations back. He cited out those passages from Leviticus in the Bible, as well as the ones that Paul supposedly wrote in the New Testament that continue to be used to denounce homosexuality. He also said his sister was a lesbian and how he keeps trying to get her to reform her ways and be with a man. Through it all, his wife held his arm and nodded approvingly, occasionally throwing in her two cents as well.

I could feel my partner cringing the whole time, biting his tongue, and wanting to scream at them while I, on the other hand, wanted to show this man that I wasn’t going to go to battle with him. I’m sure that’s what he expected and maybe even wanted. In all honesty, I had to pray A LOT while he continued to go on and on about gays and lesbians and occasionally would reach over and touch my partner’s leg letting him know I was there with him through it all. I began to lose some of my composure when this man said that Lady Gaga would face judgment one day because her music is leading young children to be gay and lesbian. My partner almost lost his when the man began to express how AIDS was due to the sins of homosexuals, but thankfully the sermon stopped abruptly when the man saw my partner’s reaction.

All in all, he must have told us a dozen times during his preaching how he liked us and that this wasn’t directed towards us one bit, which made me truly wonder if he understood just how judgmental and unloving he had been with us. The persecution I felt from them during those 45 minutes was like nothing I had ever experienced before, but through it all I not once said a single negative thing to either of them. Why? Because I know that Jesus, God, or any of the master spiritual teachers and leaders that have ever walked this Earth would never have expressed anything but unconditional love towards my partner and I.

So the only thing I said to this couple in the end was the God I know loves us unconditionally and totally supports our monogamous relationship. He said that if that was true, he wouldn’t want to serve a God like that, and with that, the evening would end a few minutes later on the most awkward note. My partner and I were both cordial by shaking hands and wishing them a good night, as we quickly walked away stunned and hurt.

Unfortunately, we ran into them a few more times before our vacation ended where with each my partner chose to remain silent and say nothing, while I was still cordial and said hello but not much more. Ironically, I could have spent hours dissecting, cross-referencing, and debating the Bible, Christianity, religion and homosexuality with this couple, but I never did because I knew they weren’t opened to seeing things in any other way. But I also knew that’s not what really mattered either.

I truly believe the only thing that matters in life is to express unconditional love towards every single human being on this planet regardless of what one’s age, race, creed, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, religion or disability is. Hopefully one day, this ordained couple from Edmonton, Canada will understand this and lovingly embrace a couple like my partner and I, rather than strike us down as only sinners who need to seek redemption and change our ways…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson