Many people in recovery from addiction eventually come to a place where they’ve been sober for a good while, yet they find some of their loved ones still aren’t embracing them fully and welcoming them in with open arms. The harsh truth is that it really doesn’t matter how long they’ve been clean and sober. What truly matters is how well they’re working their recovery program, but even more importantly, also allowing God to be in charge of the healing process in those loved ones.
The best example I can give with this is in regards to my sister. When I became clean and sober, I expected her a number of years later to stop treating me with kid gloves. But what I failed to realize is that not only was I not working any 12 Step program for the first 12 years of my sobriety, I was still demonstrating the same addiction-based behaviors towards her. Thus, it was no wonder why she wasn’t willing to fully embrace me.
But then I found recovery and once I did, I began working my 12 Step program diligently for two solid years. It was then she started noticing a true change with my behaviors and because of that she proceeded to open up a lot more with me. It was then I made my amends and life seemed to be bringing a brother and sister back together again. Unfortunately, I took my will back not too long after and returned to other addictions. And regrettably, I also returned to many of those character defects that those addictions bring, which of course affected her all over again.
By the time I found my way back to the 12 Steps and was working them as hard as I could, she had once again closed off much of her heart with me. When I tried to make a subsequent amends with her, her response was she’d rather me go live it. In other words walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. After another few years passed, I had done that very thing and felt my recovery program was stronger than ever. But when I saw that during many of my visits she was still treating me with those kid gloves, I demanded a reason why.
Sometimes the truth hurts and in this case it did. Because what my sister reminded me of was that she didn’t just experience five years of my drinking and drugging, she also experienced close to twenty years of my toxic addiction-based behaviors. Coming back from that takes time and that time is never in my court, it’s in God’s. And sadly, the reality is that some loved ones may never fully embrace a person recovering from an addiction again.
The bottom line is that there are loved ones who will take us back quite quickly, but then there are those who may take some time to get there. And lastly, it’s sad but true to admit that some loved ones may never come back. The only thing we can really do is work our recovery programs the best we can and to turn the rest over to God. Any attempts on our part to control the situation is only coming from our ego and will most likely just drive our loved ones away all over again.
So my advice to any of you in recovery from addiction who might be facing this very thing is this. Trust God, clean house, and help others and in doing so, there’s a good chance you’ll see many, if not most of your loved ones come back, and when they do be grateful. And if they don’t, just keep doing as best as you can and know God will handle the rest…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson