Month: November 2021

What Happens When Addict Parents Blame Their Kids For Everything…

For any of you who grew up in a dysfunctional home, where one or both parents suffered from some sort of an addiction, there’s a good chance you suffered from frequently being the recipient of blame, even when things weren’t your fault. There’s also a pretty good chance that as you got older, you started blaming yourself for everything that went wrong in your world, even when most of it probably wasn’t your fault either. I always feel sorry for those I meet in my 12 Step recovery world who are still strongly living out this pattern, especially if I learn their childhood was just like my own.

I’ve done my best to overcome this pattern, although I still struggle from time to time falling back into it. Kids in addict-based homes like the one I grew up in, tend to take the blame for things even when it’s not their fault solely out of fear, fear of being disciplined in harsher ways.

When my sister and I went back to our childhood home after our mother passed and were clearing out all that old stuff, we found a box of letters we had written our parents throughout our younger years where we apologized for one incident after another, consistently taking the blame, saying we’re sorry, that we’re bad kids, and will try harder to be better. I don’t remember writing those letters, but I can assume I wrote them out of fear. Fear of not being punished, yelled at, spanked, mouth washed out with soap, privileges taken away, or something worse. I always found that if I just took the blame, somehow the result was far less painful, as compared to if I didn’t. And, I often felt I was made out to be a liar when I didn’t take that ownership.

The fact is, my parents placed blame on my sister and I, because it was easier than looking at themselves and all their misery. As I grew older, I allowed this pattern to exist with most of my friends, partners, bosses, etc. What I realized in therapy though was that in most cases, I shouldn’t have been taking the blame at all and how toxic it was to my spirit each time I did. While I’m not perfect and do own a part in some of the negative things that happen in my life, I know now that more than not, I’m not the cause of everything people say of me and instead have been a magnet for this because I haven’t fully worked through it yet.

I often grow frustrated at how many try to blame me for things that have nothing to do with me whatsoever. My partner has done this with me many times, but I’m not innocent of it either. It’s taken a lot of work to identify this pattern and it happens most often with those I’m closest to, who I don’t want to lose. Because at the core of this pattern really is a little kid who just wanted his parents to love him unconditionally, who learned through their addiction that if he just owned what they were blaming him of, they seemed to love him better than if he didn’t.

Addicts love to blame the world for their problems. My parents were no exception in this and did this to my sister and I far too often, and so have I with others whenever a serious addiction has gotten a firm grip on me. I’m thankful I can identify this pattern far easier now when others are doing it with me, because at my core, I am a good person, who knows now that I’m not the blame for all the world’s problems, even though I was raised to feel like I was.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”

Silly Joke #2

The President’s Chief Of Staff suggested the President do some much-needed public relations to boost his ratings. It’s decided to do that at a local nursing home in the Washington D.C. vicinity. The President begins his “tour” down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn’t seem to notice him. Sensing this, the President backtracks to the resident and asks, “Do you know who I am?” The little old man looks up from his walker and says, “No, but if you go to the front desk, they can tell you your name.”

Silly Joke #3

A single blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: “For Men Only”. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” says the bartender. “We only serve men in this place.” “That’s perfect!” says the blonde. “I’ll take one please!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thought For The Day

Today’s quotes surround the subject of what it means to be a good listener and why listening is so important…

“Becoming a good listener, you are able to connect with others on more levels and develop stronger, deeper relationships.” (John C. Maxwell)

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” (Stephen Covey)

“Be a good listener…It makes the person who’s speaking to you feel loved, cared for and worthy of being heard.” (Wayne Dyer)

“Be a good listener, don’t judge and don’t put boundaries on someone else’s grief.” (Jodi Picoult)

“A good listener doesn’t fill the silence with chatter, make the conversation about themself, try and top the speaker’s story, sprinkle bits of wisdom that don’t apply, insert their own conclusions, wisdom and ideas until asked, or get uncomfortable with the emotions of the speaker.” (Unknown)

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson