Month: January 2022

Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to another Grateful Heart Monday where gratitude remains the sole focus in my writing, which for today is for the loving connection I have now with my sister Laura and her children and the recent trip I was blessed with to see them where they live in Summerville, South Carolina.

It doesn’t seem that long ago where addiction had totally compromised my life, which included my relationship with my sister and her kids. Truth be told, I wasn’t a good brother to her or a good uncle to her kids when addiction was in full control my life. I made many decisions that put them second when it did, often skipping out on get-togethers and times when she really needed help or my nephews just wanted to spend time with me, and usually was only there when I needed her for something. The fact is, when any addiction is in control of you, even the most loving family and relationships tend to come second to engaging in the substance of the addiction.

It’s been almost 10 years now since any major addiction enveloped me. Now, my twin nephews Noah and Jacob are soon to be 20 years old and their younger brother Luke, 10. The idea of spending an entire week with them and my sister years ago when I was consumed by addiction would have seemed preposterous to my ego. But today, being able to do so, has really become one of the major highlights of my life. And this trip to see them was no exception.

After dining in some pretty wonderful local restaurants (Poogan’s Southern Kitchen, Bad Daddy’s Burger Bar, and Fuji Sushi to name a few), binging an entire new riveting series on Netflix (Archive81), watching a really uplifting movie (Sing 2), playing several fun card and board games (hearts, card dump, spoons, and Space Jam Monopoly), going to the Charleston aquarium, sipping coffee in downtown Charleston on the 2nd floor of an old bank that was converted into a Starbucks, having countless conversations that were both deep and funny, and getting to have some of my own personal time as well in the evening to relax in my Residence Inn suite where I meditated, reflected, worked out, talked to friends, and caught up on my own shows, I was blessed to have had such an amazing trip.

Many whom I’ve worked with in 12 Step recovery often worry they will never get something like this back. They fear it’s lost for good due to the pain their addiction inflicted upon others. I always tell them that the only thing they need to do is work the 12 Steps and find a Higher Power to guide them to becoming a more loving and selfless self. God truly has done that for me in my recovery from addiction and this January 2022 trip to see my sister and her family, where good times were intertwined with a depth of love I never once thought could ever happen again for me with them, proved that.

I am so thankful to God for making this trip possible, for the love Laura, Jacob, Luke, and Noah all have for me today, and another week’s worth of beautiful memories with them. And truly the perfect thing to dedicate today’s Grateful Heart Monday too…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thought For The Day

How often in life we look outside of ourselves to fill any emptiness we feel within was the subject of yesterday’s article and is the basis for today’s quotes.

“Instead of filling the void in your heart with outside substances, material possessions or the acceptance of others, learn to fill it with rituals of self love.” (Erin Chatters)

“Happiness is your inherent nature. In the hustle and bustle of life, you have forgotten a part of yourself, and looking for it outside. Fill this void with happiness that is sustainable, not transitory, that illuminates your life and that of others, that is life giving and so natural.” (Sanchita Pandey)

“If I was lonely, if I was afraid of being alone, then why abandon myself? Why run to someone else looking to give myself the thing that only I could give? I wanted to escape myself because I felt empty, and the emptiness frightened me. But obviously, I was empty because I was always running out, running away. The only way to fill the emptiness was to remain, to take up residence in myself.” (Norah Vincent)

“We see ourselves as broken, and then set out on a long and frustrating journey, to fill our emptiness. But it is not fixing that we require. It is awakening…” (Alan Cohen)

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

A Relationship Won’t Take Your Emptiness Away…

As I write this, I’ve mentally and emotionally been trying to prepare myself for my trip home tomorrow after having spent an amazing week with my sister and her family. Contrary to what so many single people often believe, that if they just had a partner, they wouldn’t feel so empty and alone, I still feel that way even though I have a good relationship with someone who does care deeply for me.

Time and time again, many of my single friends over the years have told me that all would be well in their world if they just had a partner to love them. Yet, I’ve had quite a few long-term relationships in my life with individuals who have loved me immensely, but still felt more alone than not during each of them. So, how can that be?

Because I believe that all my aloneness, all my emptiness, and that huge pit of despair I’ve frequently felt within me throughout much of my life, that I’ve consistently sought to fill with addictions, with relationships, and a vast number of other things as well, has nothing to do with anything I don’t have but my own lack of unconditional love for myself.

Lately, my ego has even been trying to convince myself that maybe if I could just get out of Toledo where I reside now, and move back east, that my inner world would somehow right itself. But I know that’s a lie as well that I like to tell myself regularly. Because my emptiness has nothing to do with that either. For as much as I’m not a Midwesterner and do prefer living on the East coast, especially near the ocean, my emptiness won’t change from a geographical move either.

The simple fact is my emptiness is coming from not loving myself enough unconditionally.

While I love the volunteer work I do, my 12 Step recovery and sobriety, and the many ways I try to be a selfless individual nowadays, I really don’t love myself enough unconditionally. In fact, I place far too many conditions on loving myself. I often place many expectations around who I should be, rather than embracing me for who I am right now. I frequently judge myself as well and often become my harshest critic. The reality I see now is that there is no person, place, or thing that can ever be a part of my life that will change my emptiness, even God, if I don’t start doing a much better job loving myself unconditionally.

It is sad to say that I have spent so much of my life looking to fill my inner void with something outside of myself, when I see now that my emptiness will only ever be truly filled by having a lot more love for myself, something that I think God has been trying to show me for a very, very, long time.

Ultimately, I think that God loves each and every one of us unconditionally, but how can we ever feel that if we don’t love ourselves in the very same way. When I fail to love myself unconditionally, the more I beat myself up, the more I judge myself, and the more I place even greater unreasonable expectations and demands upon my life. The longer that goes on, the more I end up living in negativity, trying to fill all that emptiness with people, places, and things, none of which are ever successful filling.

If we can’t offer ourselves the unconditional love we deserve, we really do start becoming our harshest critics in life who are constantly looking outside of ourselves to fix that brokenness within. And there is no one, not one single person on this planet, and not even God, who can change that unless we become willing to offer it to ourselves as well. I know this is a hard task, especially when much of my life has been spent doing everything but, yet it’s something I am working on doing far more now than ever before. And it begins with removing the belief that someone or something out there can change any of my emptiness within.

I pray that I will truly love myself a lot more unconditionally in 2022 than I have in many of my years past, and I pray that in doing so, I will feel enough love within to stop falling into the belief that a relationship, or anything else, can ever fill the void within me…because only loving myself unconditionally, like I know God does, can do that…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson