Month: December 2013

What Is The True Meaning Of Christmas?

December 25th has finally arrived once again. Today marks a day where a glance into the many homes in the United States would probably see presents from small to large lying under a festively light Christmas tree. And by the end of today each of those nice bow-tied and vibrantly wrapped packages will be ripped open with the wrapping paper tossed easily aside into very large garbage bags, which end up on the curb a few days from now. Christmas has continued to grow into a present-centered holiday and sadly, it seems as if this is becoming the true meaning of the holiday for most these days.

But what is the true meaning of Christmas anyway?

I’m sure if you were to do a random poll of 100 individuals and ask them this very question, each answer would likely be different. I would guess many would say it’s about being with family and loved ones, and of course children would say it’s definitely about the gifts. Then there are those who would respond they don’t even celebrate this holiday for various reasons including religious or personal ones. But the most interesting answer to that question for me is from those who claim the holiday is solely about Christ’s birth.

Did you know that Christ wasn’t even born even close to this time of the year? Ironically, theologians and religious scholars have done enough research to know that Christ was actually born somewhere between March and September. But even more thought provoking is what I found on the origins of Christmas itself.

Before Christmas ever existed, there was a festival celebrated by the Romans between December 17th and 25th and was named Saturnalia. It was a week long period of lawlessness where the government was closed and people could not be punished for damaging property or hurting people. Each year this festival began with the Roman authorities choosing an enemy of the people to represent the “Lord of Misrule”. Each community at the time chose a victim whom they forced to indulge in food and other physical pleasures throughout the week. At the end of this week on December 25th, this person would then be innocently and brutally murdered with the belief that the forces of evil were being destroyed with them. Throughout the period leading up to this, it was common to see many acts of lawlessness, widespread intoxication, public nakedness, rape and other sexual debauchery, and a tradition of consuming human shaped biscuits.

By the 4th century, Christianity was on the rise and its leaders at the time wanted to convert the pagans who celebrated this holiday. They were able to end up doing just that by promising them they would carry over the Saturnalia festival. Because the festival held no Christian principles, the leaders decided to start shifting the focus away from it by claiming December 25th as the birth of Christ and calling it Christmas. Unfortunately these Christian leaders soon discovered that this still didn’t lead to much success in reducing or changing the practices of the festival. So an early agreement was reached that if there was a massive observance on December 25th for the Savior’s birth, that the holiday could be celebrated similar to how it always had been. In fact, in many historical texts, it is known that early Christians were noted for their drinking, sexual indulgence, and singing naked in the streets (which actually was the precursor to caroling).  As the centuries passed, the pagan practices slowly started to disappear though.

Something I found extremely interesting that I never learned in high school about our country’s history was how the Puritans banned the observance of Christmas between 1659 and 1681. The sole reason for that was due to the Saturnalia practices still being tied into the Christmas holiday at the time for everyone else.

But even as late as the 18th and 19th centuries in Rome, some of the festival’s practices could still be detected as rabbis were forced to wear clownish outfits and march throughout the streets of the city to the jeers and pelts of various objects by the people. And even on December 25th, 1881, Christian leaders whipped the Polish masses into Anti-Semitic frenzies that led to riots across the country. In fact, in Warsaw, 12 Jews were brutally murdered, huge other numbers were maimed, and many Jewish women were raped.

Thank God none of this occurs anymore on December 25th!

So while the main focus these days seems to have has shifted quite a bit to that of giving those nice bow-tied and vibrantly wrapped presents, I think that’s a whole lot better than the idea of getting drunk, raping, and murdering people, which regularly once occurred on this very day.

I honestly couldn’t imagine myself living in a society that did the practices that originated during Saturnalia; especially not with the focus I have today on serving God. Hopefully your practices and traditions today are far from this as well. But whatever they are, it’s my only hope and prayer that the true meaning of Christmas for you will involve the spreading of love and light and nothing else.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Fully Letting Go Of Codependent Behaviors

All the way back at the very beginning when I first starting writing this blog, I made mention to a person that had once been a very big part of my life. He was someone that I had formed a codependent bond with for many years where I consistently found it too difficult to break from. That all changed though almost two years ago when I began separating myself from every unhealthy attachment I had in my life, most of which were codependent based. Unfortunately, my sister informed me of some information yesterday indicating that both she and this former friend might still be struggling with fully letting go of their codependent behaviors.

For those who don’t know what being codependent means, it’s defined in Wikipedia as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another. It also can refer to the over dependence on the needs of, or control of, another and can involve placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of someone else. Sometimes, as in the case of what my sister informed me, it even deals with the inability that people have at times to let unhealthy connections permanently go.

I know that pattern very well as I kept this person in my life for four years, three of which would have never occurred if I had been working through my codependent behaviors. I’m grateful to say though that I’ve been able to maintain my distance from him for the past twenty-three months. It’s a good thing too because I know there’s a good chance I would have fallen back into those behaviors again if I hadn’t. Codependency is a lot like an addiction in that I don’t believe it ever goes away completely. It’s more like it goes into a state of remission once its behaviors are curbed but it could resurface at any time given the right conditions. This is something that I cannot afford to have happen in my life again with God at my helm these days. I just wish that would be the same case for this former friend and my sister.

What transpired earlier this week with them was that my sister received a large Harry and David Christmas basket from this former friend at her new address in Tennessee. The initial irony I found in this was that my sister could not remember ever giving my former friend her address once she moved. She too was trying to let the connection go knowing it was unhealthy for her on some level as well. It’s not really that important anymore to talk about what transpired all those years ago that made my connection with this former friend so unhealthy for everyone. But to put it simply, the drama we created in our connection with each other affected everyone gravely including my family, his family, and all of our friends. My personal connection with this man ended for good because of that in January of 2012. At the time, I also chose to end any communication with his friends and family because I knew I had to if I was going to start letting go of my own codependent behaviors. Unfortunately, he didn’t do the same.

When the first holiday season rolled around, he gave my sister’s family $250 in American Express gift cards. That was when it started to become evident to my sister that he wasn’t letting me go. When they moved out of the area a few months after that, she began to distance herself from him and rarely did anything but say hello when he tried to contact her. I was convinced that this would finally help him get the point and start letting me go on all levels. That was until my sister told me about this large Christmas gift basket she received from him the other day.

While it’s obvious to me that this former friend is still struggling on some level to let me go, I was also saddened to hear that my sister fell back into some of her own codependent behaviors because of his gift. Prior to receiving it, she had no intention of giving him anything this holiday season. But because of her own guilt and worry, she bought something in return and sent it to him. Not only did that action reinforce her own codependent behaviors, it’s did for him as well. It gave hope to my former friend that he’s still connected to me in some way and it kept my sister maintaining a connection that she really doesn’t wish to have anymore.

Breaking free of codependent behaviors is a lot of hard work. Sometimes it means letting go of the people we might have once cared about greatly. And sometimes it means having to overcome those feelings of guilt or shame by not reacting to them. There are many reactions that my sister could have had to his gift that would have been moving her towards a life free from codependency. But sadly, buying a gift in return wasn’t one of them. While she could have done a return to sender for his gift or donated it to someone else, the one action that would benefit her growth the greatest is the one she keeps avoiding. It’s the one where she contacts this former friend and cuts the cord to him for good.

This is what I have had to do each time I wanted to break free from codependency and it’s brought me great freedom each time I have. I definitely know it would do the same for my sister. Even more importantly, I also know it would help this man to let me go once and for all.

While deep down I know he probably wishes that I’ll come back in his life one day down the road, I have already accepted the fact that it can’t and won’t ever happen. Codependent relationships robbed me of a life devoted to serving God. They hurt my health and healing processes. And they prevented me from growing healthy and loving connections with anyone else, including myself. Because of these things, it will never be worth the risk to even reach out and say hello just once to him or anyone I was once connected to like him.

It’s my hope and prayer for this former friend that he will completely let me go one day and end all attempts to keep me around in some fashion, including through my sister’s family. On the same level, I pray for my sister too. When both can fully let go of their codependent behaviors, I know they will begin to experience a much deeper and fuller relationship with not only themselves, but also with the God of their understanding.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Gay Deception Of Married Men

There is a lot of deception going on out there in this world. It happens every day all around us on so many levels. It may even be happening to you right now as we speak. But most recently, it happened to a very close friend of mine and it truly broke his heart.

It’s been almost 20 years now that I’ve known this friend. We met in college around my junior year and he became the first person in my life to help me understand my sexuality a lot better. Ironically though, I came out of the closet before him. Over the years that followed that, I have watched my connection with this friend wax and wane. Much of that was due to my own addictions that I lived in, but somehow our friendship was able to survive through it all.

I would call this friend more of an introvert than an extrovert due to his shy and reserved personality. And part of me has wondered if that’s why he frequently had trouble meeting someone that he could spend his life with. Five years ago though, all that changed for him when he finally met someone special. I was initially very happy for him because my friend’s track record with those he previously dated wasn’t very good. Many of those he ended up with just seemed to use and abuse him on some level. I was glad to hear that wasn’t the case though with this older man.

But as my friend’s relationship with this man began to develop, I really began to question that man’s authenticity. They had strange communication between the two of them, as they never talked on the phone. Yet they communicated via multiple e-mails every single day without ever missing a single beat. My friend was also never asked by this man to come visit his home. It would only ever be infrequent trips to my friend’s house as based upon this man’s rare availability. All of that raised a lot of red flags within me and I constantly expressed my concern about it to my friend again and again. I finally had to come to a level of acceptance because it wasn’t my relationship and if it was working for my friend, then so be it. But deep down I felt sad as I knew my friend had the same concerns as me about his relationship, except he was too afraid to rock the boat.

For someone like him, who had such terrible experiences in all his previous relationships, the idea of potentially losing the good he had was too difficult for him to ponder. So he stayed uncomfortably comfortable and treasured what little moments he together with this man. For all the time they did get together, they were a couple who did many activities together including camping, apple picking and much more. My friend even introduced him to his parents, which was a huge thing for him to do. Overall, they shared a tremendous amount of love, fun, and laughter together but their lack of communication always made me question it’s legitimacy.

One day I started praying for my friend because of my doubts about his relationship. I began asking God to guide him to seek the real truth about the man he was dating. While I didn’t know what that real truth was, my motivation to pray was that I knew my friend wanted more but didn’t know how to ask for it. Thankfully though, just before Thanksgiving, that prayer was answered when my friend found the motivation and courage to seek that truth by doing some Internet research. Unfortunately, while he was hoping to find out nothing, what he did find out what much more than he bargained for.

The long and short of it was that this man he was dating was actually married to a woman for over 30 years, had a completely different name, was ten years older than he had claimed, had two fully grown children, and didn’t even live in the area he stated he was from. On some level, I know this is partially my friend’s fault for letting the deception go on for years, especially knowing he always had his own doubts about it. But, what concerns me the most about what happened is how many people got hurt in the selfish actions of this man’s deception.

First there was my friend who got hurt as he had fallen in love with this man and it broke his heart to find out the truth. Then there’s the wife who currently has no idea what’s really going on. I can only imagine her pain that will come on the day when she finds out the real truth about her husband. Then there’s everyone else this man is deceiving including his children, friends, and anyone else he might be sleeping around with.

Sadly, this isn’t an isolated incident either. There are so many websites out there that allow married men to live a life of deception like this. I should know because I used to peruse a few of those sites back in the days where I met too many of them. They were constantly wanting to have flings on the side while their wives were out for the evening or out of town for a few days. Or they just wanted to come over to my house while they lied to their wife about some obligation they had to keep. None of them ever went as far as saying they were gay either. It was always that they were bi-sexual or just curious and exploring. And none of them felt they were cheating either because they claimed they weren’t being sexual with a woman. In their minds, being with man was just a cheap sexual act for their own quick gratification. And I made the mistake of giving into another man’s deception like this and spent two years of my life getting sick and toxic because of it.

I’m grateful I have no desire to ever partake in something like that ever again. It’s my hope that my friend will feel the same as me now given he knows the real truth about his relationship. The sad thing is that sometimes people still go back to those toxic relationships, even knowing this, because they are too afraid to be totally alone. I’m not sure what’s going to happen from here for my friend but I pray for his strength to fully let this man go for good. My friend deserves so much better in his life and frankly, doing anything with this man now would only be helping to continue that man’s deception.

I honestly don’t know why there are such a growing number of married men out there who are choosing to deceive their wives by sleeping around with other men. The only thing I do know is that it’s selfish, self-centered, toxic, and unspiritual to do so. It also creates a lot more darkness in this world through each lie these married men tell to get what they want. Hopefully one day, all of this gay deception by married men will be fully exposed so that they can know the true pain they are causing the world in doing it…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson